People who ignore invitations to get together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my kid was younger, I often read invites via email or text, then thought I needed to check my schedule before responding, got caught up, forgot, felt guilty, knew the other person would be upset if I did respond so late, so I just didn't. For people who I knew would be understanding, I would respond late.

OP -- This. What you are experiencing happened ALL the time to me when my kids were really little. I think moms of little ones (like 4 and under) are just frazzled and tired and that gets in the way of social graces. Truly, many people can not handle both a social life and motherhood.
I absolutely wouldn't take it personally. If they kept declining invitations, then I might assume they weren't interested in a friendship with me; but no response implies they forgot, are overwhelmed, etc.

Hang in there. I do think things get better as kids get older and more self-sufficient.
For now, maybe just focus on the people who have their act together and do respond?
Good for you for making the effort!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What is everyone "crazy busy" with? I've seen this mentioned a few times here. I know this applies to many people, but what exactly are you all so crazy busy with that you're booked up weeks in advance? Especially in the summer when school is out? My calendar literally has nothing on it for the rest of the summer. I do think we're in an unusual situation though, and one that lends itself to being one of the few families who is not crazy busy, because we don't have any family here or within driving distance, few friends, and our kids are too young for activities/sports, etc. They're not even in preschool yet.

Sports and other extra-curriculars. Once your kids are school aged, you will understand and will likely be "crazy busy" yourself.

[Anonymous]

Just because someone is cordial and sociable with you when you're picking your respective kids up from school doesn't mean they're dying for a deeper connection.
Some people aren't interested in trying to make every amicable association grow and blossom into a greater friendship - some people are quite comfortable having their amicable associations right where they are...casual.
As to the ignoring of invitations, what do you do when someone makes up an excuse that they're busy...
"Oh, well how about next weekend?"
Then what are they supposed to say?
People don't want to be put in the uncomfortable position of saying, "Look lady, I like you and I enjoy our ephemeral exchanges but I don't wanna hang out and get to know one other", and you wouldn't be very comfortable with such an admission either - that's why its easier to ignore the invitation altogether.
It allows for people to still maintain pleasantries as opposed to one day you're smiling and chatting briefly with someone and the next day after they turned down several invitations with excuse after excuse and its obvious they don't want to get together you're sneering and rolling your eyes at someone mumbling under your breath, "She is such a bitch."

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who could have written this and has expressed similar frustrations - always the inviter, rarely the invited, and one-on-one friendships are not flourishing. What I wish I could find a tactful way to tell her is that she's really judgmental. She doesn't mean to come off that way, but I don't think she can help it. She just honestly believes her way is the best and can't imagine why others would do it differently. So, she has a hard time keeping friends. I like her and can handle it about once a quarter, so we get together a few times a year - but that's not the close, besties type friendship she's seeking.

I'm not saying you have exactly this issue, but perhaps there's something else you're giving off without meaning to. Could you ask some one? I would tell her if she asked, but I'm not going to dump that on her if she's not fully ready to hear it.

[Anonymous]

Bothers me too. There are people who I like who do this all the time. When I was younger I got frustrated and told some who I am close to how it reflects poorly on them that they can't just give a response, whether it's to attend or decline. That actually made a difference to the few who care, but there are plenty of people who do this stuff, even siblings, and it bothers me a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what people are thinking but it happened to me this past week. First and last time I invite the person.

Exactly! That's what I'm trying to tell the OP.

I agree also. If someone doesn't respond more than once, then don't invite that person in the future. They might be trying to send you the message that they aren't interested in meeting up when they don't respond.

Sometimes with a very large invitation list like twenty people, a non response means no.

Maybe try inviting people to hang out one on one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This question is for people who ignore invitations to get together (not kids' birthday parties but adults asking other adults to come over for dinner, etc.). Why do you ignore these invitations, whether by email or by phone? When someone takes the time to invite you to get together to do something, why can't you at least make up an excuse that you're busy instead of completely ignoring it?

This happens to me all the time and it is so annoying. I'm a mom who invites other moms/families to get together a lot. This week I invited 2 different moms to get together, one was for a playdate at my house and the other was for a weekend brunch moms only. Both invitations were ignored completely, and the sad thing was that I expected it, since I've experienced this so many times. It's the rare person who actually responds to an invitation these days, and I find that very sad.

OP, there is a reason for the tons of threads each week on this kind of topic. People here are jaded. Many of the women are unhappy, frumpy, and sexless - so they don't want to see how happy another couple is. That is just one example. If more people would take meds, there would obviously be more happy, social people in the area.

I also have seen that most people are mistaken that low EQ=high IQ, when it has been proven a gazillion times that they are not correlated. Another reason I believe that people here just are not as smart as I had hoped

[Anonymous]

If you send me an email/Facebook invite I might honestly miss it. If you send me a paper invitation or call me, you'll get a response for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because someone is cordial and sociable with you when you're picking your respective kids up from school doesn't mean they're dying for a deeper connection.
Some people aren't interested in trying to make every amicable association grow and blossom into a greater friendship - some people are quite comfortable having their amicable associations right where they are...casual.
As to the ignoring of invitations, what do you do when someone makes up an excuse that they're busy...
"Oh, well how about next weekend?"
Then what are they supposed to say?
People don't want to be put in the uncomfortable position of saying, "Look lady, I like you and I enjoy our ephemeral exchanges but I don't wanna hang out and get to know one other", and you wouldn't be very comfortable with such an admission either - that's why its easier to ignore the invitation altogether.
It allows for people to still maintain pleasantries as opposed to one day you're smiling and chatting briefly with someone and the next day after they turned down several invitations with excuse after excuse and its obvious they don't want to get together you're sneering and rolling your eyes at someone mumbling under your breath, "She is such a bitch."

Translation: some people are backwoods antisocial, and proud of it, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saying you're busy means you have to go through the "well what about next week?" Stuff.

OP here. I didn't think of it this way but perhaps you are right. Maybe that is why they are just ignoring, because they don't want me to suggest another day/time because they don't like me and don't want to get together. It's just depressing.

OP - I don't mean to sound harsh, but this isn't MS/HS. Find something else in your life to give you fulfillment/meaning. Not saying having friends is not important, definitely is. But, you are sounding desperate and maybe a bit clingy? Not everyone wants to make new friends or socialize with people that aren't their close friends. This is not me, btw. I just realize that not everyone wants to be sociable with everyone. Just move on.

Pardon my French, but FU. OP Is making the effort to reach out, not driving slowly by your house late at night.

+1

Well put. And thanks for letting the rest of us know how highly you think of yourself. Not others, just yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because someone is cordial and sociable with you when you're picking your respective kids up from school doesn't mean they're dying for a deeper connection.
Some people aren't interested in trying to make every amicable association grow and blossom into a greater friendship - some people are quite comfortable having their amicable associations right where they are...casual.
As to the ignoring of invitations, what do you do when someone makes up an excuse that they're busy...
"Oh, well how about next weekend?"
Then what are they supposed to say?
People don't want to be put in the uncomfortable position of saying, "Look lady, I like you and I enjoy our ephemeral exchanges but I don't wanna hang out and get to know one other", and you wouldn't be very comfortable with such an admission either - that's why its easier to ignore the invitation altogether.
It allows for people to still maintain pleasantries as opposed to one day you're smiling and chatting briefly with someone and the next day after they turned down several invitations with excuse after excuse and its obvious they don't want to get together you're sneering and rolling your eyes at someone mumbling under your breath, "She is such a bitch."

Translation: some people are backwoods antisocial, and proud of it, OP.

This is true.
Can't all be the same can we?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because someone is cordial and sociable with you when you're picking your respective kids up from school doesn't mean they're dying for a deeper connection.
Some people aren't interested in trying to make every amicable association grow and blossom into a greater friendship - some people are quite comfortable having their amicable associations right where they are...casual.
As to the ignoring of invitations, what do you do when someone makes up an excuse that they're busy...
"Oh, well how about next weekend?"
Then what are they supposed to say?
People don't want to be put in the uncomfortable position of saying, "Look lady, I like you and I enjoy our ephemeral exchanges but I don't wanna hang out and get to know one other", and you wouldn't be very comfortable with such an admission either - that's why its easier to ignore the invitation altogether.
It allows for people to still maintain pleasantries as opposed to one day you're smiling and chatting briefly with someone and the next day after they turned down several invitations with excuse after excuse and its obvious they don't want to get together you're sneering and rolling your eyes at someone mumbling under your breath, "She is such a bitch."

OP here. I agree with this. Thanks for sharing your perspective. It's sad but it's true. It is hard to always be the inviter and never the invitee though. How can I meet women/moms who actually want to make friends? Meetup groups and social groups have not worked for me.

[Anonymous]

OP -- keep trying. You have to go through so many people to find one good friend. It's kind of like dating.
Stop inviting those that ignore your invitations. And just try with others. It is a lot of work but you will find your people. It also gets easier when kids are older and in school and organized activities. I had so few friends when my children were really small and now have more friends than I can handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saying you're busy means you have to go through the "well what about next week?" Stuff.

OP here. I didn't think of it this way but perhaps you are right. Maybe that is why they are just ignoring, because they don't want me to suggest another day/time because they don't like me and don't want to get together. It's just depressing.

OP - I don't mean to sound harsh, but this isn't MS/HS. Find something else in your life to give you fulfillment/meaning. Not saying having friends is not important, definitely is. But, you are sounding desperate and maybe a bit clingy? Not everyone wants to make new friends or socialize with people that aren't their close friends. This is not me, btw. I just realize that not everyone wants to be sociable with everyone. Just move on.

Pardon my French, but FU. OP Is making the effort to reach out, not driving slowly by your house late at night.

+1

Well put. And thanks for letting the rest of us know how highly you think of yourself. Not others, just yourself.

Other PP here. No, I don't think "highly" of myself. I've accepted almost all invites, even ones where I wasn't that crazy about the kid, but my kid seemed to want to go. But, I have had a couple of moms not respond to my invites. I don't get depressed about it, and sit on my computer and post how depressing it is on dcum because I realized a very long time ago (in HS I think) that if someone ignores my invites, then I'll take that as I hint that either they aren't interested in being friends or they are not the type of people I'd want to hang out with since they are rude. Either way, I'm saying move on.

I'm not originally from the east coast. What I'm finding about the culture of this area is that some of the people that are east coast natives are quite insular. They don't seem to want to expand their circle of friends.

So, again, OP, just move on. You will continue to meet new moms as your kids get older. Keep reaching out to new moms that you meet, and don't focus on those moms that keep declining your invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What is everyone "crazy busy" with? I've seen this mentioned a few times here. I know this applies to many people, but what exactly are you all so crazy busy with that you're booked up weeks in advance? Especially in the summer when school is out? My calendar literally has nothing on it for the rest of the summer. I do think we're in an unusual situation though, and one that lends itself to being one of the few families who is not crazy busy, because we don't have any family here or within driving distance, few friends, and our kids are too young for activities/sports, etc. They're not even in preschool yet.

It's busy-ness as a status symbol. Another I'm better than you put down. It's a "I have too many PTA meetings, kids activities to chaperone, other friends to see" response.