Reply to I had an emotional affair but now I'm ready to divorce my wife because she can't get over it

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Reply to "I had an emotional affair but now I'm ready to divorce my wife because she can't get over it"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here's my read:  your post is all about you.  How you can't stand being the same room, how you don't want to hear about it anymore blah blah blah.

I don't think you're showing very much concern for your wife's pain, which is probably why this isn't closed for her.

Unless she feels really really heard and understood and feels you're remorseful, she will not have peace - therefore you will not have peace.

I can't get over your whole post is about how you think the fallout of your bad decisions is lasting too long for your comfort.  That's one of the most self centered,  un-empathetic, non-compassionate things I've heard in a long time.  you're a loser. [/quote]

But based on what was written, do you feel like his wife is working towards relational repair, or just using this as justification to remain angry and isolated? None of us can say what either of them are like IRL, but from the one-sided perspective he gave, she's not helping. Yes, it's sucks that she's the aggrieved party and still has to do work to fix things, but that's life and love. Time frame aside, it does sound like she's actively trying to punish him, which won't help. Pl[/quote]

Really, you can read his "poor me" crap and come up with she's just trying to punish him?   Go out to coffee this guy and cry me a river.  Six months is a very short time to try to be normal after somethig like this and the more he tries to pressure her to forgive and forget, the more upset she will be.  She'll interpret that as minimizing her experience and belittling he right to be justifiably upset.  Average time frames for recovery is about one to two years, with a supportive remorseful spouse.  What was missing here:  a spouse who said he'd do anything but followed it with a weak, weak example.  He also tried to weasel out of responsibility by overly pointing out it was an emotional affair.  The psychological impact on his spouse is identical to a physical affair - the betrayal, the damage to attachment, the sense of rejection.  He's coming at this yeah yeah yeah I did my time I've this silly shit, can't we just move on?  I'm not getting the sense what exactly he did to repair?

Here's a short list:
- apologizing over and over and over.  Even if you just apologized.  Your wife can't hear it enough
-in the early stages, don't defend.  There will be plenty of time to sort out the state of your marriage in counseling.  In early stages any defense (even if your wife was a shitty spouse) will sound like justification.
- be accountable. Do what you say you're going to do 100% of the time.  This is not a time to be sloppy.
- be an open book.  Voluntarily offer your phone and email.  Do not lock anything.
-permit your spouse to hear you say a final goodbye to your EA is your spouse wished to hear it.  No waffle language like " my wife is making me"
-take responsibility for your part without blame, even though your wife Aldo carries responsibility for her part in your marriage.  No one put a gun to your head to participate in an EA, that's on you. 
-go to counseling.  It's hard to repair without good guidance.
-stop seeing your EA forever,  if it means getting s new job, do it.  Your marriage won't heal with continued exposure.  It will rip your wife's wounds open every time she has to think about 
-be sensitive to trigger situatios. I don't know what yours are, but I guarantee your wife has them.  Comfort her and acknowledge how difficult it is for her.
-thank her and show appreciation fo her staying with you through this.  I guarantee she wanted to leave multiple times.  It shows she's attached to stay in spite of her pain.  Likely she wasn't having a great time in your marriage when you were dialing miss emotional affair, but your wife didn't cheat on you.
-don't lie anymore.  About anything.  Doubtful you could have pulled this off without serious omission of facts, misleading stories, and outright lies.  Demonstrate trustworthy behavior. 
-suck egg for a while without expecting too much in return.  Your timing is that you're ending your affair.  Her timing is she's recently discovered it.  She will need 1-2 years to grieve and figure out what the new normal is.
-expect your wife will be Ina rollercoaster of emotions during this time.  Trying to control her emotions sends the message you care more about your comfort than about her and you'll prolong this grieving/angry period.
-bring up you're
-bring up the affair on your own without waiting for her to explode. If you do that repeatedly, it will be a much calmer conversation than if you tip toe around it trying to avoid the subject.
-answer all her questions truthfully and openly about the affair.  That's one of the biggest steps letting her know she might be able to trust you agsin.  If you practiced the "trickle truth" method, every day she learns something new sets thd clock back to day zero for her.  Non-compassionate acts set the clock back to day zero too. 
-if you're not in it for the long hall and committed to do whatever it takes , do both of you a favor a leave now.  Recovering from this is not easy for you or her. 
I could list more, but I hope you get the idea.  Humble remorse is on order for s whole before you get to insist she's had long enough to "forgive and forget"
A compassionate spouse would recognize her anger as pain and instead of feeding into it, go and hold her and comfort her, try it sincerely once, and that will end the shouting better than anything else, [/quote]

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