my father sneaking into my home..advice please

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Most of you who are criticizing are probably living in homes with spare rooms (homes that you may not have to work to pay for), have enough household income to support another person, and have dads who worked hard and supported you financially.

The average American doesn't have all that. The average American family of four lives on 60K per year, and they live paycheck to paycheck. They also don't have a lot of extra room, especially in this area, where housing is so expensive. A lot of people didn't have fathers who supported them financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all those criticizing OP, did you read her whole post? I applaud her for setting healthy boundaries and putting her own family first.

Last I checked, ,my own parents were part of my 'family'. I would never lock them out. Are you people crazy?

+1

I see idiot posts like that all over DCUM. I don't know what kind of country this place has become sometimes. Ughhhhhh.

I'm so glad I live in a country and in a time that I'm not bound by the circumstances of my birth - that includes being able to define what kind of relationship I want to have with family members. If my father were alive, there's no way in fucking hell he'd ever meet my kids much less stay in my house. Relationships are developed, not born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

after 5 months of him not contributing anything financially or making any effort to work

OP gave her father reasonable parameters for his being allowed to stay. He chose not to follow them. Then he sneaks into her house and hasn't come clean about it. Just because someone is family doesn't mean there isn't something to be cautious about - if OP's gut is saying her dad staying there is not a god idea, so be it. Who are any of us to judge.

OP, did your father change the locks on you the day you turned 18?

I know. Didn't he take care of you? Did he throw you into the trash when you were born. He's old, is having difficulties finding a job. Have a heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all those criticizing OP, did you read her whole post? I applaud her for setting healthy boundaries and putting her own family first.

Last I checked, ,my own parents were part of my 'family'. I would never lock them out. Are you people crazy?

+1

I see idiot posts like that all over DCUM. I don't know what kind of country this place has become sometimes. Ughhhhhh.

Sometimes I wonder why I immigrated here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all those criticizing OP, did you read her whole post? I applaud her for setting healthy boundaries and putting her own family first.

Last I checked, ,my own parents were part of my 'family'. I would never lock them out. Are you people crazy?

+1

I see idiot posts like that all over DCUM. I don't know what kind of country this place has become sometimes. Ughhhhhh.

Sometimes I wonder why I immigrated here.

You thought you were immigrating to a country where everyone has the same beliefs and values you do - or were at least required to pretend they did? You moved to the wrong country? I, too, wonder why you'd immigrate here. Must be frustrating.

[Anonymous]

OP has not responded.

Even though there is probably a backstory to this strange and unloving situation, she clearly she feels bad.

And to the PP who said that people only responded the way they did because they had large homes and incomes, that is extremely ignorant. Families stick together in all walks of life. I would have welcomed my father in my one-bedroom apartment if I had to!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My, my, PP. There are no polite words to describe you. You weren't responding to me, but let me tell you that most people live through such hardships and experiences that they grow in compassion and wisdom.
Of course elderly people can't change or help themselves. Of course some of them are freeloaders. And yet, despite all this, most people would choose to shelter or otherwise care for their own parents.

I have personal experience with this. My grandmother, a self-centered, ignorant and deeply prejudiced woman, who had repeatedly told my mother that she was unwanted and unloved, and who had neglected most of her children, went bankrupt through her own fault and SUED HER CHILDREN FOR MONEY. Her children, my mother included, were declared not at fault during the trial, but still chose to pay for their mother's care until her death. Because she was their own mother and not *all* bad.

Oh, sure, most people have hardships and experiences from which they grow in wisdom and compassion. However, most people don't grow up with mentally ill and/or abusive family members. Even fewer people overcome the legacy of growing up in those environments to break the cycle of abuse and lack of treatment. The situation with OP's father is a threat to OP's family life. She's making healthy and appropriate choices to ensure the health, safety and well being of her family. Who are you to judge. I certainly wouldn't hold your family up as a positive example. Perhaps your mother and her siblings were in a position to support their mother. OP is not. You really do have limited experience - and imagination.

+ A MILLION. I think most of the people posting on this thread have absolutely no idea what OP is dealing with - and good for them. They are blessed to have not experienced this kind of turmoil. OP, I am so sorry and I get it.

[Anonymous]

He's homeless and you are insensitive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's homeless and you are insensitive

I'm not the OP but I have dealt with a similar situation. I'd been in therapy for several years before faced with a situation like OP's and I spent a long time working with my individual therapist and the relationship counseler DH and I were seeing. I'm glad that I had them to help me work to get to a healthy decision rather than DCUM. Like OP, DH and I allowed my parent (my mother) to live with us. My mother joined us in a counseling session where we laid out the conditions and expectations for her living with us. As my siblings predicted, my mother didn't live up to her part and we required her to leave. My siblings and I paid for 6 months (in advance) for an apartment for her. She was eventually evicted and homeless. I didn't cause her homelessness - I had only delayed it.


You and other posters who insist OP is doing the wrong thing by not allowing her father to stay with her really have no clue how difficult it is to get to the point OP is. I do. I also support OP in whatever decision she makes. If having her father live with her threatens OP's stability, her father needs to go. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. It's a heartbreaking decision but, for me (and I suspect OP), it's the correct one. Hugs, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP has not responded.

Even though there is probably a backstory to this strange and unloving situation, she clearly she feels bad.

And to the PP who said that people only responded the way they did because they had large homes and incomes, that is extremely ignorant. Families stick together in all walks of life. I would have welcomed my father in my one-bedroom apartment if I had to!

And good for you to not be in OP's situation or have the dynamic she has with her dad. For all you know she was at the end of her rope with her dad's shenanigans.