my father sneaking into my home..advice please

[Anonymous]

Does he have a drug/alcohol problem or a history of mental illness or abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am sorry but finding a job isn't that easy if you don't have the tools. Op should help her father. He is clearly desperate.


No she shouldn't if it prevents her from taking care of her own family. I think OP's first post said that her father chooses not to work because he doesn't like working and has been this way for some time. He is a dependent type of person who freeloads.

OP has already helped her father. He's not holding up his end of the bargain and, as with a child, she needs to follow through on the consequences. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. And, if you can't imagine this scenario, you have too little life experience for your opinions to be of any value.

My, my, PP. There are no polite words to describe you. You weren't responding to me, but let me tell you that most people live through such hardships and experiences that they grow in compassion and wisdom.
Of course elderly people can't change or help themselves. Of course some of them are freeloaders. And yet, despite all this, most people would choose to shelter or otherwise care for their own parents.

I have personal experience with this. My grandmother, a self-centered, ignorant and deeply prejudiced woman, who had repeatedly told my mother that she was unwanted and unloved, and who had neglected most of her children, went bankrupt through her own fault and SUED HER CHILDREN FOR MONEY. Her children, my mother included, were declared not at fault during the trial, but still chose to pay for their mother's care until her death. Because she was their own mother and not *all* bad.

OP's story may be different. You, on the other hand, as well as anybody who responded with a casual "change the locks", should be ashamed of yourself.

So you have a family with no boundaries. Got it.

That last comment doesn't even make sense. Is this really all you're taking away from that story? No, of course not. You're just lashing out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would probably tell your dad it is creating an issue with your landlord and you may be asked to leave. If that doesn't work, change locks.

OP, this is right. Since you rent, this scenario could end up with your landlord asking you to leave if he finds out that someone has a key and is coming and going at times when you are not there. Naturally you can lie and say it's all good, but instead I'd do as someone else suggested and get one of those small but very loud door alarms that goes off if the door is opened (you can get them at Home Depot and similar places and they simply stick onto the door and door frame). Re-key the locks if you can but consider how your landlord might react if you go to him or her -- as you would have to -- to say, "Here's a new master key to our place because we redid the locks." You'll have to explain it then, and the landlord will know about the issue and possibly rethink your lease, especially if you're in a unit in a building with other units. I used to live in one place where we could not make copies of the keys or give out keys to people other than those listed on the lease.

You are right to think about things like what could result if you or your husband stumbles out into the living room at night and dad is there, or coming down a dark hallway toward the bathroom, and the result is one of you walloping your father thinking he's an intruder. It's good you found out about his intrusions before that happened. You have every right to set boundaries and that includes the physical boundaries of doors he can't get through. It's so easy for others to say "He's family, you have to look after him," but only you know whether that is realistic in his case. If you can get him to go to a shelter, that would be good, but you do get to say no to his intrusions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my father were homeless, I would let him sleep on my couch. I just can't imagine doing anything else.

Maybe because your father is not HER father. Being someone's father does not necessarily mean you a safe and decent person. DUH!

[Anonymous]

Just because he's her father does not mean he gets a free pass to freeload, sneak, lie, disobey her house rules, etc.

If he can't find employment he should be asking her what else he can do to carry his weight if he stays with them. Unless he's disabled, he should be volunteering to do yard work, cook dinner, do chores, babysit, etc. etc.

I wouldn't allow a relative to be homeless - and I wouldn't allow them to take advantage of me either.

[Anonymous]

I'm freaked out that he can get into your house at night and you don't hear him. I like to think I would wake up if my front door were opened, even with a key.

[Anonymous]

OP - You and DH were very generous to let your Dad stay at your place for 8/9 months and you gave him sensible rules to follow. He has found the time to go and screw a girlfriend, but does not seem to have found the time to take any low level job he could find. That he does not abide by the boundaries you have set in"sneaking" into your home definitely seems to put him in the realm of an adult with limited capacity to act like an adult. You have done more than our share as far as trying to help him out. Get the locks changed, contact him via the GF since he obviously has found another place to stay with benefits so he is not homeless with the simple, clear fact that the house locks are changed. Leave it at that. Again he is not out in the cold so he can still have full focus on finding a job - any job. But something tells me that effort has stopped at new GF.
You also need to safeguard your place of residence.

[Anonymous]

Things aren't working out with freeloading off the GF so he's sneaking back into OP's house. Confront him and tell him it has to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am sorry but finding a job isn't that easy if you don't have the tools. Op should help her father. He is clearly desperate.


No she shouldn't if it prevents her from taking care of her own family. I think OP's first post said that her father chooses not to work because he doesn't like working and has been this way for some time. He is a dependent type of person who freeloads.

OP has already helped her father. He's not holding up his end of the bargain and, as with a child, she needs to follow through on the consequences. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. And, if you can't imagine this scenario, you have too little life experience for your opinions to be of any value.

My, my, PP. There are no polite words to describe you. You weren't responding to me, but let me tell you that most people live through such hardships and experiences that they grow in compassion and wisdom.
Of course elderly people can't change or help themselves. Of course some of them are freeloaders. And yet, despite all this, most people would choose to shelter or otherwise care for their own parents.

I have personal experience with this. My grandmother, a self-centered, ignorant and deeply prejudiced woman, who had repeatedly told my mother that she was unwanted and unloved, and who had neglected most of her children, went bankrupt through her own fault and SUED HER CHILDREN FOR MONEY. Her children, my mother included, were declared not at fault during the trial, but still chose to pay for their mother's care until her death. Because she was their own mother and not *all* bad.

OP's story may be different. You, on the other hand, as well as anybody who responded with a casual "change the locks", should be ashamed of yourself.

So you have a family with no boundaries. Got it.

That last comment doesn't even make sense. Is this really all you're taking away from that story? No, of course not. You're just lashing out.

Walk a mile in her shoes before you pontificate here. And I really wouldn't hold your family up as an example. I would feel absolutely no obligation to support a person who abused and neglected me and never sought my forgiveness. Even if they were my biological parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

after 5 months of him not contributing anything financially or making any effort to work

OP gave her father reasonable parameters for his being allowed to stay. He chose not to follow them. Then he sneaks into her house and hasn't come clean about it. Just because someone is family doesn't mean there isn't something to be cautious about - if OP's gut is saying her dad staying there is not a god idea, so be it. Who are any of us to judge.

OP, did your father change the locks on you the day you turned 18?

[Anonymous]

Can someone link to OP's first post so people stop bashing her?

[Anonymous]

How in the world did your father get a GF without employment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am sorry but finding a job isn't that easy if you don't have the tools. Op should help her father. He is clearly desperate.


No she shouldn't if it prevents her from taking care of her own family. I think OP's first post said that her father chooses not to work because he doesn't like working and has been this way for some time. He is a dependent type of person who freeloads.

OP has already helped her father. He's not holding up his end of the bargain and, as with a child, she needs to follow through on the consequences. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. And, if you can't imagine this scenario, you have too little life experience for your opinions to be of any value.

My, my, PP. There are no polite words to describe you. You weren't responding to me, but let me tell you that most people live through such hardships and experiences that they grow in compassion and wisdom.
Of course elderly people can't change or help themselves. Of course some of them are freeloaders. And yet, despite all this, most people would choose to shelter or otherwise care for their own parents.

I have personal experience with this. My grandmother, a self-centered, ignorant and deeply prejudiced woman, who had repeatedly told my mother that she was unwanted and unloved, and who had neglected most of her children, went bankrupt through her own fault and SUED HER CHILDREN FOR MONEY. Her children, my mother included, were declared not at fault during the trial, but still chose to pay for their mother's care until her death. Because she was their own mother and not *all* bad.

OP's story may be different. You, on the other hand, as well as anybody who responded with a casual "change the locks", should be ashamed of yourself.

Honest question here. Why would your grandmother have to sue her children for money if they were already paying for her care? If they were already paying for her care, wouldn't your grandmother lack standing to sue?

Back to the OP. I think you are in a tough spot. I think only you can decide what is reasonable in terms of your father. I think you should first try to talk with him and reinforce the limits (like no sneaking in and sleeping on the couch). If he cannot respect the boundaries then I think your best option is to go to the landlord and get the locks changed or rekeyed.

[Anonymous]

My, my, PP. There are no polite words to describe you. You weren't responding to me, but let me tell you that most people live through such hardships and experiences that they grow in compassion and wisdom.
Of course elderly people can't change or help themselves. Of course some of them are freeloaders. And yet, despite all this, most people would choose to shelter or otherwise care for their own parents.

I have personal experience with this. My grandmother, a self-centered, ignorant and deeply prejudiced woman, who had repeatedly told my mother that she was unwanted and unloved, and who had neglected most of her children, went bankrupt through her own fault and SUED HER CHILDREN FOR MONEY. Her children, my mother included, were declared not at fault during the trial, but still chose to pay for their mother's care until her death. Because she was their own mother and not *all* bad.

Oh, sure, most people have hardships and experiences from which they grow in wisdom and compassion. However, most people don't grow up with mentally ill and/or abusive family members. Even fewer people overcome the legacy of growing up in those environments to break the cycle of abuse and lack of treatment. The situation with OP's father is a threat to OP's family life. She's making healthy and appropriate choices to ensure the health, safety and well being of her family. Who are you to judge. I certainly wouldn't hold your family up as a positive example. Perhaps your mother and her siblings were in a position to support their mother. OP is not. You really do have limited experience - and imagination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all those criticizing OP, did you read her whole post? I applaud her for setting healthy boundaries and putting her own family first.

Last I checked, ,my own parents were part of my 'family'. I would never lock them out. Are you people crazy?

+1

I see idiot posts like that all over DCUM. I don't know what kind of country this place has become sometimes. Ughhhhhh.