What do parents "owe" their adult children?

[Anonymous]

My parents are sticklers for fairness. Every gift they give is given with the attached message- loud and clear- that an equal gift has been or will be given to my siblings. Sometimes this is extremely annoying, and other times its reassuring to know that I don't have to hide the gift or feel guilty.

My DH's parents, on the other hand, have never been fair. They paid fully for his older sister and younger sister to go to college. DH took out loans- about 20 k so not terrible- and the parents promised to help pay them back for him. They never did. DH's sisters had small, but fully paid for weddings, showers, etc. At our wedding, DH got maybe $500 from them. Over the years, his sisters have been given for birthdays nice jewelry, roundtrip plane tickets across the country, etc. DH regularly receives small paperback books, maybe a $50 gift card if he is lucky. To be honest, he does not ever complain, but it is glaring favoritism to me. His sisters certainly don't "need" the help more... but they just seem to get the help more.

It is not that we need the gifts. It is not the idea of "its not fair." BUT.. there is a message being sent when some children are treated very differently. If we were substantially more well off it would be different. But when all things being equal, we are all on the same financial footing- give or take- it seems strange that regular gifts be glaringly different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are sticklers for fairness. Every gift they give is given with the attached message- loud and clear- that an equal gift has been or will be given to my siblings. Sometimes this is extremely annoying, and other times its reassuring to know that I don't have to hide the gift or feel guilty.

My DH's parents, on the other hand, have never been fair. They paid fully for his older sister and younger sister to go to college. DH took out loans- about 20 k so not terrible- and the parents promised to help pay them back for him. They never did. DH's sisters had small, but fully paid for weddings, showers, etc. At our wedding, DH got maybe $500 from them. Over the years, his sisters have been given for birthdays nice jewelry, roundtrip plane tickets across the country, etc. DH regularly receives small paperback books, maybe a $50 gift card if he is lucky. To be honest, he does not ever complain, but it is glaring favoritism to me. His sisters certainly don't "need" the help more... but they just seem to get the help more.

It is not that we need the gifts. It is not the idea of "its not fair." BUT.. there is a message being sent when some children are treated very differently. If we were substantially more well off it would be different. But when all things being equal, we are all on the same financial footing- give or take- it seems strange that regular gifts be glaringly different.

Giving the same gift does not equate to fairness, what that does is create the need for a tally sheet. As for your in-laws, why is everybody so busy telling everyone else what momma and daddy did? Or why is momma and daddy so busy telling what they gave? Sounds like both different sides of the same dysfunctional coin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Giving the same gift does not equate to fairness, what that does is create the need for a tally sheet. As for your in-laws, why is everybody so busy telling everyone else what momma and daddy did? Or why is momma and daddy so busy telling what they gave? Sounds like both different sides of the same dysfunctional coin.

Agree to the tally sheet. It is very annoying. As far as what Momma and Daddy did, it is very obvious when you attend a family birthday party and "Momma and Daddy" give the gift in front of people. I agree that they probably should not tell what they did as far as college goes.. but I think at the time they truly thought they would pay back DH. Not sure if they forgot or just changed their mind. No big deal- except that they told him they fully paid for the others. You are right to point out the problem is in the telling..

So perhaps the lesson here would be keeping gift giving a secret. No need to tell other siblings about any financial gifts you are making. If you want to do something larger or unusual- do it behind closed doors?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Giving the same gift does not equate to fairness, what that does is create the need for a tally sheet. As for your in-laws, why is everybody so busy telling everyone else what momma and daddy did? Or why is momma and daddy so busy telling what they gave? Sounds like both different sides of the same dysfunctional coin.

Agree to the tally sheet. It is very annoying. As far as what Momma and Daddy did, it is very obvious when you attend a family birthday party and "Momma and Daddy" give the gift in front of people. I agree that they probably should not tell what they did as far as college goes.. but I think at the time they truly thought they would pay back DH. Not sure if they forgot or just changed their mind. No big deal- except that they told him they fully paid for the others. You are right to point out the problem is in the telling..

So perhaps the lesson here would be keeping gift giving a secret. No need to tell other siblings about any financial gifts you are making. If you want to do something larger or unusual- do it behind closed doors?

Yes

[Anonymous]

Helping out during desperate times (as referenced by OP) is hardly the same as gift giving. Although, I believe what parents do with their money, is their business. no matter what- I would never question the why's, how's and who's of their spending. I believing just knowing you have parents or in-laws who are willing and able to help, if the need should arise, is gift enough and fair enough.

[Anonymous]

In the situation where the sibling actually needs the money for necessities, I wouldn't think twice about it. My DH's parents give his sister large sums of money, which she uses to eat at Per Se, but $1000 strollers, or travel to Italy, while giving DH nothing. Neither of us would ever say a word to his parents about it, because it is their right to do what they want with their money, but we do think it is sort of unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[i]We have friends who are very financially stable, more than stable actually. They are also fortunate enough to both have parents who are also financially well-off- so much so they already have college funds set up for our friends four young children.
The husband has a sister who is married with young kids but they are really struggling financially, and it seems like they have had a lot of bad luck- a lot of unforeseen medical bills and sadly her husband was just laid off. Given these unfortunate circumstances, "husbands" (our friend) parents stepped up to help his sisters family get back on their feet - a few times. To the tune of $10,000 here or $5000 there etc. To me, this seems like the right thing to and his parents are very blessed that they can do that for their children if need be. However, the wife feels her in-laws "owe" them the same and insists her husband ask for an equal amount whenever his parents help his sisters family. Again, they do not "need" the money and use it for things like extravagant vacations or new furniture. I know this is none of my business and the wife is my best friend, she knows my views and we have had this argument for years. I have a hard time listening to her complain about it when they haven't received an equal amount , or act smug when they do receive it. I'm curious where others stand on this topic. Do you think when a parent is helping one of their adult children, it is necessary or "only fair" that they then "gift" their other adult child the same? I come from a large family and I would never expect my parents to give me what they gave to my sister or brothers when they were in need. My parents paid for my sisters rehab and my friend asked if I was going to to ask for an equal amount of money because she believes it's not fair that my sister who obviously messed up her own life is being given something when my husband and I have "played by the rules" ( her quote) and are getting nothing. I feel differently, I wouldn't trade places with my sister in a million years and I am grateful that my parents have been able to help her. Thoughts??

Nope. My parents owe me nothing. They gave me life and raised me well with a lot of sacrifices. It's their money and they are entitled to helping my siblings in whatever ways they think appropriate. I agree w you 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the situation where the sibling actually needs the money for necessities, I wouldn't think twice about it. My DH's parents give his sister large sums of money, which she uses to eat at Per Se, but $1000 strollers, or travel to Italy, while giving DH nothing. Neither of us would ever say a word to his parents about it, because it is their right to do what they want with their money, but we do think it is sort of unfair.

I would think it is unfair that the sister is squandering the parents' money, not because i'm not getting my fair portion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While parents don't owe their adult children anything, let alone fairness, they should realize that disparate gifts/help can cause friction. My BIL is a single dad with underlying addiction/gambling issues. He has made and continues to make bad life choices. Although he is now clean/sober, he is a bottomless pit of needs.

My in-laws are struggling to help him have the same lifestyle as my husband and me and our kids. They give him considerable financial help and 24/7 childcare. So 99% of their help, time, and love (yes, sadly) goes to my BIL and his kids. Because they spent so much more time with my nieces/nephews, they are much closer to them and will favor them to the point of sometimes ignoring/treating my kids badly. Whenever we have a problem (serious illness/injury), we get zero help because they are too busy taking care of my BIL and his kids.

I used to think it was reasonable to give BIL so much more as he needed it more. But I can't help but feel resentful that because of this messed up situation, we've become second class citizens to them. Oh it doesn't just stop with unequal treatment, they also think we should giving more time/help to BIL and his kids too so that we can compensate for their broken family.

Your bil is their son. Where's his wife? You are the in-law and it's really not your place to say anything especially if your bil is raising the kids by himself and there is no wife in the picture.

Do your parents help?

While you are their daughter bc you married their son, it's really not feeling he same. Complain about your own parents.

It's her family too and co-dependence is fucked up for everyone involved. She's not complaining about finances, she's complaining about dysfunction.

Thanks for understanding, that's exactly my point.

The level of dysfunction in our family is incredible. Yes, I know son trumps DIL, that is only natural. But their behavior is hurting their other son (my DH) and our children, their grandchildren. I don't say anything but I don't like seeing how this effects everyone. As for the mothers of thei children? The ex-wife has shared custody of one child. The ex-girlfriend abandoned the other child and is out of the picture. My in-laws are not helping my BIL raise his children, my in-laws are raising my BIL's children. They are doing every single child care task for him, they are doing the majority of life/home tasks for him, they are paying all bills. My MIL is so scared that stress will make my BIL fall off the wagon again that she is working herself ragged trying to make my BIL's life as stress free as possible. When the first kid was little, my MIL didn't trust my BIL to be responsible enough to babysit alone, so it was years before he watched his kid alone for so much as an hour.

I would actually be supportive of them helping my BIL this much if I thought it was actually helping him become independent and healthy. But I think it's just enabling him to continue to make bad choices and so I don't feel like helping in the effort to coddle my fully grown BIL. I am a decent aunt, I play with the kids, watch them occasionally, buy them toys for holidays/birthdays--but I am not the second mom to them that my in-laws want me to be. I don't have the time/energy, I have kids of my own, one with mild SN challenges. So I get labelled as being selfish. And this is poisoning my relationship with them. Oh well, it is because of my in-laws that I have my wonderful DH and children, so I try to keep the peace with them as much as I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While parents don't owe their adult children anything, let alone fairness, they should realize that disparate gifts/help can cause friction. My BIL is a single dad with underlying addiction/gambling issues. He has made and continues to make bad life choices. Although he is now clean/sober, he is a bottomless pit of needs.

My in-laws are struggling to help him have the same lifestyle as my husband and me and our kids. They give him considerable financial help and 24/7 childcare. So 99% of their help, time, and love (yes, sadly) goes to my BIL and his kids. Because they spent so much more time with my nieces/nephews, they are much closer to them and will favor them to the point of sometimes ignoring/treating my kids badly. Whenever we have a problem (serious illness/injury), we get zero help because they are too busy taking care of my BIL and his kids.

I used to think it was reasonable to give BIL so much more as he needed it more. But I can't help but feel resentful that because of this messed up situation, we've become second class citizens to them. Oh it doesn't just stop with unequal treatment, they also think we should giving more time/help to BIL and his kids too so that we can compensate for their broken family.

We are in a similar situation. This is where you draw the line (bolded). DH and I have been self-sufficient since we married at 27. We have had difficult times ourselves but managed without family help. We have been helping out the parents and SIL's children for years. Now MIL has indicated she would like us to give more of our time to SIL's kids as well as provide more help to MIL and DIL. I have no problem helping out MIL and FIL when possible since I feel you sign up for that when you get married, but I will not give up my time or financia security since both have been hard-won.

Sorry that you are in the same boat. I agree with you. There is only so much to give and you can ever give as much as they want you to give. You need to take care of yourself too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

While parents don't owe their adult children anything, let alone fairness, they should realize that disparate gifts/help can cause friction. My BIL is a single dad with underlying addiction/gambling issues. He has made and continues to make bad life choices. Although he is now clean/sober, he is a bottomless pit of needs.

This is a tough situation -- I am in a similar one w/ my BIL. For me, though, it's not about me wanting the same as was given to him but rather about wanting my PIL to establish healthy, non-codependent boundaries with the BIL and for the BIL to realize that his level of taking is corrosive. (Good luck with that, I know).

Sorry that you too are experiencing this. I guess I'm not happy with either. I wish my in-laws would treat my kids more equally when all the kids are present. And also I wish that my BIL's level of taking wasn't so extreme/unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many parents have guilt that they are somehow responsible for the messed-up way a child turned out. The parents will do anything, including bringing the other children down, in an attempt to make it all look better.

The parents are living irrationally. You can not reason with irrationality. Know that they are hurting. And it's very unfortunate. If you are living your life as a functioning, happy, relatively successful adult, count your blessings. You have what you need.

Thank you. That is what I have been thinking yet I have had problems finding the words to express it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with most posters here. Although parents don't "owe" their adult children anything, I think that financial giving between siblings should be equal. Yes, one sibling may have a medical emergency NOW and need money NOW. But no one knows what the future will bring. If, after the parents are dead, the other sibling gets cancer and needs to take time off, the parents won't be there to help. I think major financial gifting - like $10000 to help an unemployed adult, should be equal.

And that is the most dumb-assed, greedy, immature, entitled rationale I have heard. How people come to think like this is not something I understand.Your parents don't owe you a lifetime or a lifestyle. Hell, at my age I'm trying to figure out what I can for my parents who did so much for me(and I am not talking about what they did financially). What infantile pieces of shit some of you are.

Fixed that for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keeping score is an easy way to sour a relationship. Life is not fair. Life was not fair to the child needing help. The wife should count her blessings and be grateful to not need help from anyone.

My sister has always received help from my parents. They paid for her grad school and I was told no. They gave her a credit card to use at will. I forced me to be independent and I thank God that they chose her to enable instead of me. "Help" doesn't always have the intended consequences.[/quote]

Well said. This is so true, I can't emphasize it enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest thinks we owe him because we helped out his sister and her kids. He has now decided since we played favorites and didn't make his life easier, he no longer speaks to us or allows us to see the grandkids.

Never in a million years did I think he would do this but he has. I accept how he feels but he is wrong and greedy. A lot of what he thinks has been put into his head by his wife. So be it. We also recently wrote a will. They will not be receiving anything upon our deaths.

It shames me to know our kid feels this way because he wasn't raised to be like that.

Because you made him feel less loved. I feel sorry for your grand kids.