What do parents "owe" their adult children?

[Anonymous]

[i]We have friends who are very financially stable, more than stable actually. They are also fortunate enough to both have parents who are also financially well-off- so much so they already have college funds set up for our friends four young children.
The husband has a sister who is married with young kids but they are really struggling financially, and it seems like they have had a lot of bad luck- a lot of unforeseen medical bills and sadly her husband was just laid off. Given these unfortunate circumstances, "husbands" (our friend) parents stepped up to help his sisters family get back on their feet - a few times. To the tune of $10,000 here or $5000 there etc. To me, this seems like the right thing to and his parents are very blessed that they can do that for their children if need be. However, the wife feels her in-laws "owe" them the same and insists her husband ask for an equal amount whenever his parents help his sisters family. Again, they do not "need" the money and use it for things like extravagant vacations or new furniture. I know this is none of my business and the wife is my best friend, she knows my views and we have had this argument for years. I have a hard time listening to her complain about it when they haven't received an equal amount , or act smug when they do receive it. I'm curious where others stand on this topic. Do you think when a parent is helping one of their adult children, it is necessary or "only fair" that they then "gift" their other adult child the same? I come from a large family and I would never expect my parents to give me what they gave to my sister or brothers when they were in need. My parents paid for my sisters rehab and my friend asked if I was going to to ask for an equal amount of money because she believes it's not fair that my sister who obviously messed up her own life is being given something when my husband and I have "played by the rules" ( her quote) and are getting nothing. I feel differently, I wouldn't trade places with my sister in a million years and I am grateful that my parents have been able to help her. Thoughts??

[Anonymous]

I think parents should give equal if they can and should give equal on major events/holidays. Like if parents pay 50k for college, they need to pay 50k for all siblings' colleges. And the same amount for all weddings, same amount for all Christmases, same amount towards down payments.

It's different if one needs bailed out, like with rehab or a bankruptcy. Your friend's wife should assume they'll get bailed out if bad things happen to them too.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you. My brother makes less money than I do. My parents and I both have more disposable income. As a result, sometimes I am pretty sure my parents have paid for travel for him for family events (I doubt very much that he's ever asked). I think this totally fair. We want to see him! I don't need my parents to cut me a check to even things out, that's silly.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my 30s, have lost both my parents, but don't believe parents "owe" their adult children anything. Whether it's financial support when they're alive, or an inheritance, anything given is strictly a gift. If parents want to give to their adult children, then they are gifts given without expectations, or any matter of "owing." No parent needs to give their adult children anything.

[Anonymous]

wtf is wrong with your friend??? i honestly can't imagine thinking that way. and i'm the more "responsible" sibling who has gotten $0 from family since I graduated college while my brother has gotten more parental help. i'm just glad they're in a position to help him out while he gets his life together! (which he is doing, so yay) is she a bad person in other ways too?

[Anonymous]

Parents should treat their adult child equally, but that doesn't mean the same.

That means that both get bailed out in case of medical expense, or both get help with children's school expenses. But if one has higher medical expenses or the other has more children (or more expensive school needs), that's not unfair.

[Anonymous]

Keeping score is an easy way to sour a relationship. Life is not fair. Life was not fair to the child needing help. The wife should count her blessings and be grateful to not need help from anyone.

My sister has always received help from my parents. They paid for her grad school and I was told no. They gave her a credit card to use at will. I forced me to be independent and I thank God that they chose her to enable instead of me. "Help" doesn't always have the intended consequences.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Family money can be so divisive.

My mother died recently. On the heels of that, during discussions about the eventual selling of my mother's house, my sister told me about anger my brother has harbored over the years in regard to perceived disparities in financial support and gifts given by my parents. For example, he thought that my parents paid for my honeymoon (in reality they didn't pay a penny, nor did I ever ask them to, nor would I have accepted money if they had offered). They gave money to a grandchild to pay for college expenses, but my brother doesn't have kids to level the playing field, so he sees that as unfair. They let my sister move in with them during a nasty divorce process, etc. My brother targeted my elderly mother for a "real estate investment opportunity" (aka buying him a house) to even things up, but fortunately my sister caught wind of it and derailed the plan. Knowing this has unfortunately made me see my brother in an unflattering light, which saddens me.

IMO if an adult child is in fairly desperate need of, say, $50000 and a parent can help them, good for them. That does NOT mean that those parents should tap themselves out by giving the other 3 children $50k each just so everything is "fair". Parents tend to give what their children need when they need it, whether that need is financial, emotional, childcare related, etc.

Your friends should just be thankful that they haven't been in a desperate situation where they need money from their parents and that they aren't the ones being hit up for money by their siblings. They need to grow up already and stop treating their parents like ATM machines.

[Anonymous]

Nothing

[Anonymous]

Fair never means equal.
I tell my kids this all the time.
My kids have different needs, and I treat and help them accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Family money can be so divisive.

My mother died recently. On the heels of that, during discussions about the eventual selling of my mother's house, my sister told me about anger my brother has harbored over the years in regard to perceived disparities in financial support and gifts given by my parents. For example, he thought that my parents paid for my honeymoon (in reality they didn't pay a penny, nor did I ever ask them to, nor would I have accepted money if they had offered). They gave money to a grandchild to pay for college expenses, but my brother doesn't have kids to level the playing field, so he sees that as unfair. They let my sister move in with them during a nasty divorce process, etc. My brother targeted my elderly mother for a "real estate investment opportunity" (aka buying him a house) to even things up, but fortunately my sister caught wind of it and derailed the plan. Knowing this has unfortunately made me see my brother in an unflattering light, which saddens me.

IMO if an adult child is in fairly desperate need of, say, $50000 and a parent can help them, good for them. That does NOT mean that those parents should tap themselves out by giving the other 3 children $50k each just so everything is "fair". Parents tend to give what their children need when they need it, whether that need is financial, emotional, childcare related, etc.

Your friends should just be thankful that they haven't been in a desperate situation where they need money from their parents and that they aren't the ones being hit up for money by their siblings. They need to grow up already and stop treating their parents like ATM machines.

What if your brother had derailed the plan to give to a grandchild's college fund or let the sister move in? Why shouldn't your parent have bought your brother a house if that's what she wanted to do?

I can see why your brother is aggravated. I am one of 3. My parents paid for post high school education for both my brother but not me because I didn't need it. I am still paying off the loans and my brothers are debt free. Both have nicer houses and nicer cars. Yeah, I do resent my parents for that.

[Anonymous]

OP here- It seems like we are all in agreement. All of you were much more eloquent in your writing! Sorry for the long winded original post!

11:43- She is not a bad person in other ways, which I think is the reason I have such a hard time with hearing her talk about it. I just don't understand how she can justify her thinking and actions! And she also comes from a big family but has never mentioned whether or not her parents give equally among her and her siblings.

[Anonymous]

Yucks. My parents unexpectedly when I was a teen and didn't leave much. My grandmother finished raising me financially and emotionally. My uncle and aunts never begrudged her or me for it.

Your friend is a piece of work op!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents should treat their adult child equally, but that doesn't mean the same.

That means that both get bailed out in case of medical expense, or both get help with children's school expenses. But if one has higher medical expenses or the other has more children (or more expensive school needs), that's not unfair.

+1 Or braces or math tutoring or music lessons (if one refuses to play an instrument)..........

Parents should cover their children's needs (and a few wants). Some children have more expensive needs than others.

[Anonymous]

You have got to be kidding. The wife is insisting that her in-laws be "fair" and gets her husband to get his parents to give them money when they don't need it bc they are helping his sister!?!

Her husband should grow a pair and tell her that his parents can do whatever they want with their money. Your friend sounds greedy.