What do parents "owe" their adult children?

[Anonymous]

Some people get really hung up on this. Personally I'm like you, if you don't need the money, what's the big deal? Sadly not everyone is like this and some people are very concerned with tit for tat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest thinks we owe him because we helped out his sister and her kids. He has now decided since we played favorites and didn't make his life easier, he no longer speaks to us or allows us to see the grandkids.

Never in a million years did I think he would do this but he has. I accept how he feels but he is wrong and greedy. A lot of what he thinks has been put into his head by his wife. So be it. We also recently wrote a will. They will not be receiving anything upon our deaths.

It shames me to know our kid feels this way because he wasn't raised to be like that.

Because you made him feel less loved. I feel sorry for your grand kids.

+1. And why are your son's choices somehow his wife's fault? You are a piece of work, lady.

[Anonymous]

Parents don't owe their kids squat and to many spoiled kids running around thinking they are owed something by everyone is causing a lot of problems in society. If your parents pay for your sibling to go to college and they do well then great for them. If they don't want to pay for yours cause you were a knucklehead in HS then that is their prerogative. Paying for an education is money you may never get back and is worst if they major in something useless and get bad grades. More parents need to start looking at who there children actually are and who they are becoming before mortgaging the house to pay for a 2.0 GPA in Philosophy. If you child is a good kid with a kind heart and making progress on their own in life then it is wonderful to help them along but that is different from propping up a kid that feels entitled.

[Anonymous]

I don't think parents should contribute to their adult children's financial well being after college, except in the most dire of circumstances. One of these days, the parents are going to die and the kid has to fend for himself. Better that he figure it out early, when there is less to lose.

[Anonymous]

The wife sounds greedy and immature.

That being said, if parents have extra resources and their children need help, they should help. We are struggling financially and need to pay for some expensive medical treatments. My parents are not rich but keep offering to help; my spouse's mother is well-off but has offered nothing. My parents gave us a generous gift when we were married; my spouse's parents gave us very little. It makes me mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The wife sounds greedy and immature.

That being said, if parents have extra resources and their children need help, they should help. We are struggling financially and need to pay for some expensive medical treatments. My parents are not rich but keep offering to help; my spouse's mother is well-off but has offered nothing. My parents gave us a generous gift when we were married; my spouse's parents gave us very little. It makes me mad.

And you call the OP's friend greedy and then go on about who gave you more for a wedding gift?

[Anonymous]

Fair means each child gets what they personally need

How do you know what each personally needs?
Maybe the quiet child - who doesn't speak-up "needs" the reassurance of extra money in the bank.

Parents shouldn't think they are all-knowing

Parents don't owe their adult children, but it bugs me when family members are favored because their needs are the ones the parents understand.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say parents "owe" their adult children money, but I think if they are wise they keep gifting equal among all their children - if anything to avoid fostering resentment among siblings. Seems like unequal gifting is an easy was to damage your family dynamics, which is very sad.

[Anonymous]

Parents don't "owe" grown children lump sums of money. They owe their grown children respect and autonomy. They owe it to themselves, and less directly to their children, to take care of themselves, their health, and their retirement to the extent that they can.

I don't think the parents in your situation owe the well-off child equal compensatory payments to even things out. The DIL is being petty. If my spouse acted the same, I'd tell him that he's free to get a second job to make up the difference he thinks is owed to our family.

But these situations do often breed resentment, so it's probably best that the parents in this situation stop sharing info about their generosity. They should ask the receiving child to keep it hush hush as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how my Dad's family handled this:

During my Grandparent's life, if one of their 6 kids needed help and they were in the position to give it, they would. But they kept track of every "loan" and who paid it back and who didn't. Then when they died, their assets were split evenly between the kids, minus the 'loan' money.

This is exactly what my in-laws do. I think it is a very good system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how my Dad's family handled this:

During my Grandparent's life, if one of their 6 kids needed help and they were in the position to give it, they would. But they kept track of every "loan" and who paid it back and who didn't. Then when they died, their assets were split evenly between the kids, minus the 'loan' money.

This is exactly what my in-laws do. I think it is a very good system.

Makes sense to me.

[Anonymous]

I think parents don't have to be exactly equal but they should try to be fair. I am much older than my sister and as such always had the responsibility of taking of her. I was always tasked with babysitting her when she was little. When I got married, my parents sent her to live with me throughout her high school years because they felt too old to take care of her. I paid for all her living expenses. When I went to college, I went to a state school and got scholarships to pay for both undergraduate and graduate school. I even helped my parents out with paying for their dream home. My parents paid for my sister's Ivy League education. Now that she has a job, she feels that it is too stressful and wants to quit her job or take a leave of absence so that she can go to Europe for two month. She also wants my parents to pay for her European vacation. My parents are worried about her mental health and want to help her out. My parents always bail her out and also expects me to bail her out. I have driven hundreds of miles on multiple occasions to help her out in what seems like never ending crisis situations. I had to take leave from my job and leave a new born at home to bail her out (literally). Let's just say I am very resentful as to the degree of unfairness with how we were treated as children and now as adults.

[Anonymous]

I think giftgiving needs to be equal, but support for emergency purposes should be dependent on need.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's possible to be 100% equal in the amount of funds gifts to the kids. If one child gets into an Ivy League, I think it makes sense that the parents would sacrifice to help the kid be able to go. If another sibling gets into the local state school and happens to earn a $10k/year scholarship on top of that, that will be a heck of a lot cheaper for the family, but that child isn't owed a compensatory pay off upon graduation just because his tuition cost less.

Or, for example - when I was in college, I aged out of being covered on my mom's health insurance, so I paid for my own plan via the university. But my youngest brother benefited from the cutoff moving up to age 26 under the Affordable Care Act. Do my parents owe my premiums back to me? No, of course not.

Gifting huge lump sums of cash is an odd practice, IMO, but if that is to be done, then I suppose it should be mostly even - perhaps each kid gets a big check for their birthday, or something like that.

The real challenge with keeping things "fair" is when family is bailing out some one in need. Family is meant to help each other, but it's a fine line between helping and enabling. It's easy for the parents to feel they're helping and for the siblings who are not in crisis to feel like it's an unfair act of enabling, or a payoff for bad behavior. I think in that case, the stable sibling should try to sympathize with their parents and their difficult situation they're in, and at the end of the day remember that this is their money, and it's not owed to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parents don't have to be exactly equal but they should try to be fair. I am much older than my sister and as such always had the responsibility of taking of her. I was always tasked with babysitting her when she was little. When I got married, my parents sent her to live with me throughout her high school years because they felt too old to take care of her. I paid for all her living expenses. When I went to college, I went to a state school and got scholarships to pay for both undergraduate and graduate school. I even helped my parents out with paying for their dream home. My parents paid for my sister's Ivy League education. Now that she has a job, she feels that it is too stressful and wants to quit her job or take a leave of absence so that she can go to Europe for two month. She also wants my parents to pay for her European vacation. My parents are worried about her mental health and want to help her out. My parents always bail her out and also expects me to bail her out. I have driven hundreds of miles on multiple occasions to help her out in what seems like never ending crisis situations. I had to take leave from my job and leave a new born at home to bail her out (literally). Let's just say I am very resentful as to the degree of unfairness with how we were treated as children and now as adults.

You need to stop enabling your sister's dependency for her sake and yours. I understand your situation since I had a similar one with my youngest sibling. You have your own family (including yourself) now to put first.