Reply to What do parents "owe" their adult children?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]While parents don't owe their adult children anything, let alone fairness, they should realize that disparate gifts/help can cause friction.  My BIL is a single dad with underlying addiction/gambling issues.  He has made and continues to make bad life choices.  Although he is now clean/sober, he is a bottomless pit of needs.

My in-laws are struggling to help him have the same lifestyle as my husband and me and our kids.  They give him considerable financial help and 24/7 childcare.  So 99% of their help, time, and love (yes, sadly) goes to my BIL and his kids.  Because they spent so much more time with my nieces/nephews, they are much closer to them and will favor them to the point of sometimes ignoring/treating my kids badly.  Whenever we have a problem (serious illness/injury), we get zero help because they are too busy taking care of my BIL and his kids.

I used to think it was reasonable to give BIL so much more as he needed it more.  But I can't help but feel resentful that because of this messed up situation, we've become second class citizens to them.  Oh it doesn't just stop with unequal treatment, they also think we should giving more time/help to BIL and his kids too so that we can compensate for their broken family. [/quote]

Your bil is their son.  Where's his wife?  You are the in-law and it's really not your place to say anything especially if your bil is raising the kids by himself and there is no wife in the picture.

Do your parents help?

While you are their daughter bc you married their son, it's really not feeling he same.  Complain about your own parents.[/quote]
It's her family too and co-dependence is fucked up for everyone involved. She's not complaining about finances, she's complaining about dysfunction.[/quote]

Thanks for understanding, that's exactly my point.

The level of dysfunction in our family is incredible.  Yes, I know son trumps DIL, that is only natural.  But their behavior is hurting their other son (my DH) and our children, their grandchildren.  I don't say anything but I don't like seeing how this effects everyone.  As for the mothers of thei children?  The ex-wife has shared custody of one child.  The ex-girlfriend abandoned the other child and is out of the picture.  My in-laws are not helping my BIL raise his children, my in-laws are raising my BIL's children.  They are doing every single child care task for him, they are doing the majority of life/home tasks for him, they are paying all bills.  My MIL is so scared that stress will make my BIL fall off the wagon again that she is working herself ragged trying to make my BIL's life as stress free as possible.  When the first kid was little, my MIL didn't trust my BIL to be responsible enough to babysit alone, so it was years before he watched his kid alone for so much as an hour.

I would actually be supportive of them helping my BIL this much  if I thought it was actually helping him become independent and healthy.  But I think it's just enabling him to continue to make bad choices and so I don't feel like helping in the effort to coddle my fully grown BIL.  I am a decent aunt, I play with the kids, watch them occasionally, buy them toys for holidays/birthdays--but I am not the second mom to them that my in-laws want me to be.  I don't have the time/energy, I have kids of my own, one with mild SN challenges.  So I get labelled as being selfish.  And this is poisoning my relationship with them.   Oh well, it is because of my in-laws that I have my wonderful DH and children, so I try to keep the peace with them as much as I can.   
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