What do parents "owe" their adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While parents don't owe their adult children anything, let alone fairness, they should realize that disparate gifts/help can cause friction. My BIL is a single dad with underlying addiction/gambling issues. He has made and continues to make bad life choices. Although he is now clean/sober, he is a bottomless pit of needs.

My in-laws are struggling to help him have the same lifestyle as my husband and me and our kids. They give him considerable financial help and 24/7 childcare. So 99% of their help, time, and love (yes, sadly) goes to my BIL and his kids. Because they spent so much more time with my nieces/nephews, they are much closer to them and will favor them to the point of sometimes ignoring/treating my kids badly. Whenever we have a problem (serious illness/injury), we get zero help because they are too busy taking care of my BIL and his kids.

I used to think it was reasonable to give BIL so much more as he needed it more. But I can't help but feel resentful that because of this messed up situation, we've become second class citizens to them. Oh it doesn't just stop with unequal treatment, they also think we should giving more time/help to BIL and his kids too so that we can compensate for their broken family.

Your bil is their son. Where's his wife? You are the in-law and it's really not your place to say anything especially if your bil is raising the kids by himself and there is no wife in the picture.

Do your parents help?

While you are their daughter bc you married their son, it's really not feeling he same. Complain about your own parents.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone here realize that this money isn't free? Even the most saintly of parents have some sort of emotional or logistical attachment to their giving.

I say this as someone who has refused help from my DH's parents and watch as their other son accepted it gladly and ended up buying a house his mother "approved" of.

The house is fine, but how demeaning for a grown ass man.

I guess, just, those who aren't getting the same amount as your siblings, be happy living your string-free life.

[Anonymous]

This is how my Dad's family handled this:

During my Grandparent's life, if one of their 6 kids needed help and they were in the position to give it, they would. But they kept track of every "loan" and who paid it back and who didn't. Then when they died, their assets were split evenly between the kids, minus the 'loan' money.

[Anonymous]

Love how the DILs complain about how their in-laws don't treat them fairly. Really, your in-laws aren't your parents and can do whatever they want with their money.

[Anonymous]

As you know, your friend is WRONG.

It is sad your friend can't just be happy for her own good life.

While I understand the difference between social programs and parents, it is a bit like me saying if those poor people over there are getting medicaid I want the government to give me an equal amount of money even though I have excellent healthcare through work. After all why should I be penalized for not needing public assistance.

Your friend feels entitled to "her fair share" of her parents money. The parents are fools if they give it to her b/c she is complaining but it is their money to give away as they choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While parents don't owe their adult children anything, let alone fairness, they should realize that disparate gifts/help can cause friction. My BIL is a single dad with underlying addiction/gambling issues. He has made and continues to make bad life choices. Although he is now clean/sober, he is a bottomless pit of needs.

My in-laws are struggling to help him have the same lifestyle as my husband and me and our kids. They give him considerable financial help and 24/7 childcare. So 99% of their help, time, and love (yes, sadly) goes to my BIL and his kids. Because they spent so much more time with my nieces/nephews, they are much closer to them and will favor them to the point of sometimes ignoring/treating my kids badly. Whenever we have a problem (serious illness/injury), we get zero help because they are too busy taking care of my BIL and his kids.

I used to think it was reasonable to give BIL so much more as he needed it more. But I can't help but feel resentful that because of this messed up situation, we've become second class citizens to them. Oh it doesn't just stop with unequal treatment, they also think we should giving more time/help to BIL and his kids too so that we can compensate for their broken family.

We are in a similar situation. This is where you draw the line (bolded). DH and I have been self-sufficient since we married at 27. We have had difficult times ourselves but managed without family help. We have been helping out the parents and SIL's children for years. Now MIL has indicated she would like us to give more of our time to SIL's kids as well as provide more help to MIL and DIL. I have no problem helping out MIL and FIL when possible since I feel you sign up for that when you get married, but I will not give up my time or financia security since both have been hard-won.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how my Dad's family handled this:

During my Grandparent's life, if one of their 6 kids needed help and they were in the position to give it, they would. But they kept track of every "loan" and who paid it back and who didn't. Then when they died, their assets were split evenly between the kids, minus the 'loan' money.

You had wise grandparents. Perhaps they read "Beyond the Grave"? I highly recommend this book, written by two estate attorneys about how decisions made by even loving parents can have unintended consequences for their family and recommendations on how to accomplish your objectives for your estate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my 30s, have lost both my parents, but don't believe parents "owe" their adult children anything. Whether it's financial support when they're alive, or an inheritance, anything given is strictly a gift. If parents want to give to their adult children, then they are gifts given without expectations, or any matter of "owing." No parent needs to give their adult children anything.

This! What some people expect is some unbelievable hot mess.

[Anonymous]

Your friend is an ass .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Family money can be so divisive.

My mother died recently. On the heels of that, during discussions about the eventual selling of my mother's house, my sister told me about anger my brother has harbored over the years in regard to perceived disparities in financial support and gifts given by my parents. For example, he thought that my parents paid for my honeymoon (in reality they didn't pay a penny, nor did I ever ask them to, nor would I have accepted money if they had offered). They gave money to a grandchild to pay for college expenses, but my brother doesn't have kids to level the playing field, so he sees that as unfair. They let my sister move in with them during a nasty divorce process, etc. My brother targeted my elderly mother for a "real estate investment opportunity" (aka buying him a house) to even things up, but fortunately my sister caught wind of it and derailed the plan. Knowing this has unfortunately made me see my brother in an unflattering light, which saddens me.

IMO if an adult child is in fairly desperate need of, say, $50000 and a parent can help them, good for them. That does NOT mean that those parents should tap themselves out by giving the other 3 children $50k each just so everything is "fair". Parents tend to give what their children need when they need it, whether that need is financial, emotional, childcare related, etc.

Your friends should just be thankful that they haven't been in a desperate situation where they need money from their parents and that they aren't the ones being hit up for money by their siblings. They need to grow up already and stop treating their parents like ATM machines.

What if your brother had derailed the plan to give to a grandchild's college fund or let the sister move in? Why shouldn't your parent have bought your brother a house if that's what she wanted to do?

I can see why your brother is aggravated. I am one of 3. My parents paid for post high school education for both my brother but not me because I didn't need it. I am still paying off the loans and my brothers are debt free. Both have nicer houses and nicer cars. Yeah, I do resent my parents for that.

You need to grow up. That is all.just.grow.up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with most posters here. Although parents don't "owe" their adult children anything, I think that financial giving between siblings should be equal. Yes, one sibling may have a medical emergency NOW and need money NOW. But no one knows what the future will bring. If, after the parents are dead, the other sibling gets cancer and needs to take time off, the parents won't be there to help. I think major financial gifting - like $10000 to help an unemployed adult, should be equal.

And that is the most dumb-assed, greedy, immature, entitled rationale I have heard. How people come to think like this is not something I understand.Your parents don't owe you a lifetime or a lifestyle. Hell, at my age I'm trying to figure out what I can for my parents who did so much for me(and I am not talking about what they did financially). What infantile pieces of work some of you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While parents don't owe their adult children anything, let alone fairness, they should realize that disparate gifts/help can cause friction. My BIL is a single dad with underlying addiction/gambling issues. He has made and continues to make bad life choices. Although he is now clean/sober, he is a bottomless pit of needs.

My in-laws are struggling to help him have the same lifestyle as my husband and me and our kids. They give him considerable financial help and 24/7 childcare. So 99% of their help, time, and love (yes, sadly) goes to my BIL and his kids. Because they spent so much more time with my nieces/nephews, they are much closer to them and will favor them to the point of sometimes ignoring/treating my kids badly. Whenever we have a problem (serious illness/injury), we get zero help because they are too busy taking care of my BIL and his kids.

I used to think it was reasonable to give BIL so much more as he needed it more. But I can't help but feel resentful that because of this messed up situation, we've become second class citizens to them. Oh it doesn't just stop with unequal treatment, they also think we should giving more time/help to BIL and his kids too so that we can compensate for their broken family.

Your bil is their son. Where's his wife? You are the in-law and it's really not your place to say anything especially if your bil is raising the kids by himself and there is no wife in the picture.

Do your parents help?

While you are their daughter bc you married their son, it's really not feeling he same. Complain about your own parents.

It's her family too and co-dependence is fucked up for everyone involved. She's not complaining about finances, she's complaining about dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Family money can be so divisive.

My mother died recently. On the heels of that, during discussions about the eventual selling of my mother's house, my sister told me about anger my brother has harbored over the years in regard to perceived disparities in financial support and gifts given by my parents. For example, he thought that my parents paid for my honeymoon (in reality they didn't pay a penny, nor did I ever ask them to, nor would I have accepted money if they had offered). They gave money to a grandchild to pay for college expenses, but my brother doesn't have kids to level the playing field, so he sees that as unfair. They let my sister move in with them during a nasty divorce process, etc. My brother targeted my elderly mother for a "real estate investment opportunity" (aka buying him a house) to even things up, but fortunately my sister caught wind of it and derailed the plan. Knowing this has unfortunately made me see my brother in an unflattering light, which saddens me.

IMO if an adult child is in fairly desperate need of, say, $50000 and a parent can help them, good for them. That does NOT mean that those parents should tap themselves out by giving the other 3 children $50k each just so everything is "fair". Parents tend to give what their children need when they need it, whether that need is financial, emotional, childcare related, etc.

Your friends should just be thankful that they haven't been in a desperate situation where they need money from their parents and that they aren't the ones being hit up for money by their siblings. They need to grow up already and stop treating their parents like ATM machines.

What if your brother had derailed the plan to give to a grandchild's college fund or let the sister move in? Why shouldn't your parent have bought your brother a house if that's what she wanted to do?

I can see why your brother is aggravated. I am one of 3. My parents paid for post high school education for both my brother but not me because I didn't need it. I am still paying off the loans and my brothers are debt free. Both have nicer houses and nicer cars. Yeah, I do resent my parents for that.

Because she was elderly, paying for daily home health care for who knows how many years to come and buying a $500000 house for her son could have financially ruined her. She was no longer able to competently make these large financial decisions.

I hope you are never in charge of your parents' financial affairs.

[Anonymous]

My MIL operates under the guise of 'fairness' but it never quite seems to ring true. I'm fairly certain that BIL has made multiple requests for larger sums of $ 5k/10k for whatever reasons (they're not good planners, SIL switched career late in life - leaving large school loans, etc.) As far as I know MIL complied with all requests. And all she'd ever do was tell us, 'Oh, I gave them $, so if you ever need anything...' After few years of this, I finally said, 'Hopefully we won't ever need to ask, but if you want to write a check by all means write one.' She did.

Now she mostly just tries to keep it even among the grandkids, but every gift is colored with 'I got this for them, so i got your child one, too'. I just can't imagine saying, 'I got my Mom one, so here's yours'. Just cheapens it. I don't want 'fair' like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how my Dad's family handled this:

During my Grandparent's life, if one of their 6 kids needed help and they were in the position to give it, they would. But they kept track of every "loan" and who paid it back and who didn't. Then when they died, their assets were split evenly between the kids, minus the 'loan' money.

I am one of six siblings and my mother did this.

It was a very good solution. IMO.