When one child is much better at everything then the other child

[Anonymous]

I was the superstar kid and my parents were so obsessed with not making the siblings feel bad that I don't think I ever got the praise I so desperately craved. Keep that in mind. Sometimes the superstars are driven by a need for approval that the others don't feel.

[Anonymous]

No one us saying don't praise. But if you praise effort rather than accomplishments you don't have to favor one over the other and it's better for both of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not praise the achievements. Of either kid.

Focus on the effort. Notice that and value it in both kids. Praise it when you see it. Teach both of your kids that genuine effort matters more than anything else.

This means that if your DC1 comes home with highest honors, you don't celebrate that. You say, "You know what? I really respect the way you worked hard in math when it got tougher last month. Remember that quiz you studied so hard for?" or with sports, "I love how you didn't give up when you kept striking out that first inning."

Because even if someone is objectively "good" at things, it doesn't mean it all comes easy to them. Sure, it might all still come easier than it does to his sibling. But focus on where he pushed himself to work hard, be persistent / not give up etc.

This goes for the child whose accomplishments may be less. Genuinely look for specific times when he showed grit and determination, regardless of the result. He will dismiss it if he knows it's BS. But if you're focusing your praise on those things for BOTH kids, he will accept that this is what you value. And he will feel good when he does it.

The other tip is to focus on their character. Again, the good CHOICES they make. To be a supportive teammate. To be a considerate friend. To behave properly. To do the right thing, even when it's difficult.

And whenever possible, focus on whether they had FUN. For example, DC is a powerhouse in a particular sport right now. Adults sometimes fawn all over DC after a game, and it makes all of us uncomfortable, including DC. What do we say after a great performance in a game? "What'd you think? Did you have fun? What was your favorite part?" And "I'm so glad I could be at the game. really like watching you play." That's it. No swooning over hits or catches or focus on a missed play and how to "fix" the mistake. Just "I like watching you play."

If you're interested, here are a few resources that might be helpful to shift your mindset about achievement and your interaction with BOTH of your children:

http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

http://mindsetonline.com/

http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322

http://habitsofmind.org/

http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/more-family-fun/201202/what-makes-nightmare-sports-parent

For children who are inattentive, it is hard to see when they are putting in effort.

[Anonymous]

OP, the fact that YOU would post this means YOU are the one lacking.
Certainly the other child is better at some things. Just not the things that you value, or choose to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the fact that YOU would post this means YOU are the one lacking.
Certainly the other child is better at some things. Just not the things that you value, or choose to see.

New PP. I don't think OP is talking about the child who is the soccer and academic star verses the kid who is really nice and artistic but just average at school. There are kids who are difficult to deal with all around socially emotionally, academically, and physically. If you don't have a child like this, please don't tell OP that the problem is with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
For children who are inattentive, it is hard to see when they are putting in effort.

I can see this being true when you don't know they're inattentive. When you know, I think it's not that hard.

Larla! You remembered your backpack even when you also had to grab your project and your raincoat.

Hey, did you notice you finished your entire math worksheet, Larla?

Thank you for putting away all the silverware in the drainer, Larla.

Larla, I was happy that when I reminded you to finish cleaning your room you got right back on task.

Planning out your project ahead of time was a good idea, Larla. Did you remember that you have a volleyball tournament and the SAT the next two weekends? I can pull up your calendar if you want to make sure your project plan fits into your whole life.

[Anonymous]

Our kids, like everyone else, want to be with people who get them, and who appreciate them. So talking about how good someone is at taking care of pets may be a bullshit compliment to someone who is only doing it as a job, but saying, "He really glues himself to you during thunderstorms -- you must make him feel safe" is not, if you know your kid takes pride in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
For children who are inattentive, it is hard to see when they are putting in effort.

I can see this being true when you don't know they're inattentive. When you know, I think it's not that hard.

Larla! You remembered your backpack even when you also had to grab your project and your raincoat.

Hey, did you notice you finished your entire math worksheet, Larla?

Thank you for putting away all the silverware in the drainer, Larla.

Larla, I was happy that when I reminded you to finish cleaning your room you got right back on task.

Planning out your project ahead of time was a good idea, Larla. Did you remember that you have a volleyball tournament and the SAT the next two weekends? I can pull up your calendar if you want to make sure your project plan fits into your whole life.

For the inattentive child, those things happen very infrequently. In one day maybe one of those things is done well, two things go desperately wrong to where the entire family has to get involved to help solve the problems changing the entire day leaving the inattentive child upset, and the other child has a great day where they try hard at everything and enjoy it all and get compliments from other parents except for when they have to amuse themselves while parents deal with the other child or help out themselves. It's not that there aren't compliments to give the other child, there are just fewer of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

For the inattentive child, those things happen very infrequently. In one day maybe one of those things is done well, two things go desperately wrong to where the entire family has to get involved to help solve the problems changing the entire day leaving the inattentive child upset, and the other child has a great day where they try hard at everything and enjoy it all and get compliments from other parents except for when they have to amuse themselves while parents deal with the other child or help out themselves. It's not that there aren't compliments to give the other child, there are just fewer of them.

My inattentive child does a couple things that other children would find easy every day. I recognize when my high schooler ties his shoes because it's an ongoing issue.

My children who don't struggle with attention aren't rolling in praise, because it's no big deal for them to remember to tie their shoes and I don't even mention it. I think if you truly feel what you've said, it's either because you're over-praising your non-inattentive children, or not recognizing where your inattentive child is putting forth effort that should be recognized.

I have a child to whom everything seems to come easily. Much of it does come easily. That child doesn't get praise for things that come easily. That child gets recognition for when she's worked hard on something. Her perfect grades are not something she has worked hard for. Her helping a friend through a tough time is something that she has worked hard at, because she tends to be a little selfish. My inattentive child would give his friends the shirt off his back, so I'm not as likely to praise him for helping out a friend. I'd praise him remembering to go get another shirt after he gave away the one he was wearing!

[Anonymous]

DC asked me today, "Why is everything so much easier for (sibling)? He is better than me at everything."

Specific ways to respond to this?

[Anonymous]

My sister achieved vastly better than I did academically and I thought I'd done ok (she is a lot younger). Now she is paid more than I ever was, has a more prestigious and exciting job, more freedom and recognition.

I would say she is smarter than me on many levels. My parents wouldn't dream of saying this which makes me laugh. I am not competitive with her, I am extremely proud of her achievements and think she's an absolute star.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC asked me today, "Why is everything so much easier for (sibling)? He is better than me at everything."

Specific ways to respond to this?

First, is it true? If it's not true, I'd approach it that way.

"Larla finds school easier than you do because it just makes sense to her. You struggle with understanding all the rules and what is expected of you. That's ok, you're different people. As you get older, it'll get easier. We're here to help you figure everything out. But, you also know that you're better at soccer than Larla is. She has never scored a goal, and you score one almost every game. Larla works really hard at soccer, just like you work really hard at school. Some of us find different things easier, and we can all help each other get better. We want to see both of you working hard and trying new things. I was really proud of you for joining the book club this year. It turned out to be pretty fun, didn't it?"

[Anonymous]

You guys need to have my two kids--average in everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC asked me today, "Why is everything so much easier for (sibling)? He is better than me at everything."

Specific ways to respond to this?

Engage him in a conversation about HIM and his strengths.

You: You think? What makes you say that?

DS: He does better at ABC, can XYZ faster, is great at QRS, etc.

You: Hmmm. What are you good at?

DS: I don't know. Nothing.

You: [smile] Really? How about one thing?

DS: Seriously. Nothing. He's better than me at EVERYTHING.

YOU: [gently] Forget about him for a second. What would [DS's best friend] say you're good at?

DS: Maybe EFG?

YOU: And how about your teacher? If she had to pick one thing, what would she say?

DS: DEF.

YOU: What do you think? Do you like those things? Which one is easier for you? Which one do you like better? What else do you like doing? Is there something else you want to practice? etc.

Once you've engaged him fully on the topics of HIS strengths and interests, you may be done. Or he may bring it around to his brother. Personally, I would not get into a discussion/argument about whether his brother is better at things, or worse, picking out things his brother is not good at. I'd focus on the fact that all of us have things we like to do but have to work at to get better. And maybe give a quick example from your own life (taking the focus away from the sibling) before throwing it back to him to think of something that used to be hard for him but is now easy because he practiced / worked hard.

[Anonymous]

14:51, I love your answer. I think you predicted just how my DC would respond - "seriously, nothing, he's better at everything" - and gave me a good direction to go from there. I will try your suggestion!!