When one child is much better at everything then the other child

[Anonymous]

It can ultimately be destructive to DC1 to give him the impression that he's amazing at everything. These are the kids who stop trying because ultimately they can never achieve what they've been taught to believe they can achieve. They don;t know how to fail. They don't know how much more important effort is than talent.

Stop praising. You should be praising effort, not achievement.

I feel sorrier for your DC1 than DC2. DC1 is your superstar, the embodiment of everything you think is "amazing" in a kid. DC2 gets to be himself. He's the lucky one.

[Anonymous]

I know it's helpful to OP that people are commenting with how they see it (OP says it's helpful), but it seems like no one except the very 1st PP and the last one who said "Don't praise, focus on effort" is actually giving OP advice on what to DO!

All of you who've weighed in and dealt with a similar dynamic in your own families, what did you learn? What do you suggest for OP beyond your observation that "it doesn't always turn out that way"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My superstar sibling was murdered as a teenager. I'm the normal average one and even though he's been dead for 20 years it still stings that the golden child died and I lived. I know they wish it was the opposite

PP, I'm sorry for your loss. My mom's sibling died young, from a freak medical thing, and I think she always sort of felt the same way. At the end of the day, though, it was my mom that took care of her parents until the day they died, and they really did love her a lot. I'm sure your parents don't wish that "it was the opposite." I'm sure they wish that this horrible thing had never happened to your family at all. One comment that I've heard my aunt's friends say is something along the lines of "It was almost as if she knew she didn't have long ... she lived every day to its fullest." Maybe it would help you to think that, because your brother did not have long on earth, he had to pack a whole lifetime of achievement into less than 20 years. You've got a whole lifetime to achieve things at a more leisurely rate.

[Anonymous]

OP - You are a wise Mom to be aware of such an issue and the professional who posted gave excellent advice. Also the comment of helping the child take pride in the accomplishment. We have a daughter who deals with anxiety as an adult ever since college on comparisons of her own making AND she has twin daughters in kindergarten. She is well aware that one is likely to be much stronger in academics than the other, but surprisingly it was the one who is perhaps not as strong academically who got the first "award" and for what - attitude. It will be the reverse many times to come, but Mom and Dad handled it well and seek to encourage both girls to develop interests suited to their abilities.


I recently had to set two grand-aunts straight that they do no good in comparing the twins nor in comparing to the somewhat younger daughter of our other girl who is quite bright, too. It does not help the young cousins' relationships as they get older, nor does it help the families of the girls. And those two never had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know many families in which the golden child who was great at school is now floundering, and the less flashy one who flew under the radar is the one with the good job and happy family.

Interestingly, in some cases, it's because the golden child prepared for a high flying career, and was then not quite good enough to get one of the rare excellent jobs in that field, while the late bloomer child found a field in which they truly excelled and focused on it. In some cases, the golden child is closer to the interfering parents, and has been held back by them, while the other child is free.

This is me and my brother. Perfectionism can be crippling in the real world. Also, sometimes the "late bloomer" just didn't see the point in trying to compete with the golden child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know many families in which the golden child who was great at school is now floundering, and the less flashy one who flew under the radar is the one with the good job and happy family.

Interestingly, in some cases, it's because the golden child prepared for a high flying career, and was then not quite good enough to get one of the rare excellent jobs in that field, while the late bloomer child found a field in which they truly excelled and focused on it. In some cases, the golden child is closer to the interfering parents, and has been held back by them, while the other child is free.

This is my family of origin. I was the golden kid, the superhuman. Gifted and talented, student council, athletic, well-behaved, driven, a people pleaser. I had early career success but then got married young, got pregnant sooner than I'd planned and never quite recovered professionally. Meanwhile, my "troubled" younger sister did the slow and steady thing and has built an amazing career for herself. They are now close to her and openly disdain what I've become, although I have a nice life by most people's standards. It's hard for me not to hate myself because I haven't lived up to anyone's high-flying expectations. My biggest fear was never failure, it was mediocrity -- and here I am with a pretty normal life.

[Anonymous]

Make sure that the children know:

The goal in life isn't to be the best or better that someone else. The goal in life is to find things that interest you, that make you happy, that help others, that bring joy and satisfaction to your and/or others' lives. And do them as much as you can. You'll probably get better and very very very good at it by virtue of doing it so much and being so dedicated... but, honestly, that's not the point. The point is to do and bring joy--to yourself or to others.

[Anonymous]

I have three very different kids..others have already made great points but the most important for us is that EVERYONE is good at SOMETHING. Find/recognize their strengths but also teach them to support their siblings' achievements. We don't stress one child's accomplishments over another-all are appreciated.

[Anonymous]

My husband grew up that way with his brother being the "ok" one. They are very close but to this day his brother is always trying to prove himself to my husband and his parents. He's pushing 40 so it's sad. Besides that there are no issues.

[Anonymous]

I was in this situation. I guess I was one who was good at a lot of things (sports, music, school) while my sibling struggled. She got certain rewards - cash, gifts - from my parents for doing well, while I didn't. I think my parents probably thought that my doing well and getting to do neat things because of my musical or academic talents was reward enough, but it did make me kind of resentful at times that my sister would get tangible rewards while I got 'experiences.' As an adult, I totally get it, but at the time I found it frustrating.

[Anonymous]

My brother was the golden one, I was the average one. He also loved to proclaim all I was ever going to do was get married and have kids so all family resources should be applied to him - his college, his career, his life. I just did my thing, enjoyed my friends, built good connections. Fast forward many years, my brother is an alcoholic, divorced, kids won't talk to him miserable individual who could live up to his or any one else's high expectations. I flew under the radar, did well in school, college, good career and balance in life. Ironically all without the "family resources" since my brother absorbed those for himself. I'm in a good place emotional, financial with good friends and support. I'm actually glad my family choice not to focus on me - I think I much better off as a result. So with your kids let them be who they are - support each for their own identity - but also have some common ground. There will always be differences between siblings but it should have to divide a family the way it did mine, unless you let it. My parents favored the first born golden child and it was very obvious.

[Anonymous]

I have two children (both boys) who are now in their early 30's.

S1 is great at EVERYTHING he has ever done. He did not take after either parent (both average with +/-'s). He was a great student, a great athlete, popular, caring, even tempered, and just about everything else that you could imagine. Since he was young, he has gotten out of bed at 5am and literally almost sprinted through the day with what seems like effortless grace until late into the evening 7 days a week. In high school and college he tutored kids in his class, raised money for numerous charities and travled on missions throughout the world.

S1 was admitted into the 4 Ivy league schools that he applied to but chose to go to Duke as it was a full ride scholarship (we paid nothing). He was admitted to Johns Hopkins on another full ride scholarship for medical school and is now a Cardiothoracic Surgeon at a top hospital. He possess a superhuman dedication, is incredibility intelligent and has the ability to work harder than any other person that I have ever seen on the planet.

S2 is 3 years younger and we an OK student. He was a normal kid with his ups and downs. Is a fine young man but like most has his warts.

I love them both but its really not a question of who the better person is. I never tried to compare the two while they were growing up and the OP should not as well. For those that say everyone has there strengths and weakness is full of it.

[Anonymous]

For those that say everyone has there strengths and weakness is full of it.

And here we'd have someone who does not appreciate qualities that are not immediately apparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two children (both boys) who are now in their early 30's.

S1 is great at EVERYTHING he has ever done. He did not take after either parent (both average with +/-'s). He was a great student, a great athlete, popular, caring, even tempered, and just about everything else that you could imagine. Since he was young, he has gotten out of bed at 5am and literally almost sprinted through the day with what seems like effortless grace until late into the evening 7 days a week. In high school and college he tutored kids in his class, raised money for numerous charities and travled on missions throughout the world.

S1 was admitted into the 4 Ivy league schools that he applied to but chose to go to Duke as it was a full ride scholarship (we paid nothing). He was admitted to Johns Hopkins on another full ride scholarship for medical school and is now a Cardiothoracic Surgeon at a top hospital. He possess a superhuman dedication, is incredibility intelligent and has the ability to work harder than any other person that I have ever seen on the planet.

S2 is 3 years younger and we an OK student. He was a normal kid with his ups and downs. Is a fine young man but like most has his warts.

I love them both but its really not a question of who the better person is. I never tried to compare the two while they were growing up and the OP should not as well. For those that say everyone has there strengths and weakness is full of it.

OP here. But how did you keep S2 from feeling bad about how well S1 did? Did you just tell S2 that you were impressed with A, B, C that S2 did? Did you tell him that everyone is different if he ever asked about S1 and his achievements?

Just wondering how to parent and make second child feel good about himself while first child is doing amazing at this, that, and the other. Also, do I congratulate first child just by himself when second child can't hear or just praise both in front of each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two children (both boys) who are now in their early 30's.

S1 is great at EVERYTHING he has ever done. He did not take after either parent (both average with +/-'s). He was a great student, a great athlete, popular, caring, even tempered, and just about everything else that you could imagine. Since he was young, he has gotten out of bed at 5am and literally almost sprinted through the day with what seems like effortless grace until late into the evening 7 days a week. In high school and college he tutored kids in his class, raised money for numerous charities and travled on missions throughout the world.

S1 was admitted into the 4 Ivy league schools that he applied to but chose to go to Duke as it was a full ride scholarship (we paid nothing). He was admitted to Johns Hopkins on another full ride scholarship for medical school and is now a Cardiothoracic Surgeon at a top hospital. He possess a superhuman dedication, is incredibility intelligent and has the ability to work harder than any other person that I have ever seen on the planet.

S2 is 3 years younger and we an OK student. He was a normal kid with his ups and downs. Is a fine young man but like most has his warts.

I love them both but its really not a question of who the better person is. I never tried to compare the two while they were growing up and the OP should not as well. For those that say everyone has there strengths and weakness is full of it.

OP here. But how did you keep S2 from feeling bad about how well S1 did? Did you just tell S2 that you were impressed with A, B, C that S2 did? Did you tell him that everyone is different if he ever asked about S1 and his achievements?

Just wondering how to parent and make second child feel good about himself while first child is doing amazing at this, that, and the other. Also, do I congratulate first child just by himself when second child can't hear or just praise both in front of each other?

Wow OP, you are really not getting what the majority of other PPs are trying to tell you. And you are absolutely asking the WRONG person how to treat DC2 if you don't want DC2 to feel bad. Because this PP you're responding to? It's all over their post that THEY absolutely prefer their "golden child" child. The last line is maybe a half-assed attempt at sounding politically correct, but the language of the whole post speaks volumes.

This PP's "average child" has probably gotten clear and repeated messaging from this parent that they didn't measure up. How they took it is the question, but if you're looking for your "non-golden child" to not feel bad in the first place, the message from all the other posts is clear: focus on their efforts, not their accomplishments; find things they value and like doing and nurture those, whether they're good at it or not; and foster an environment where you check YOURSELF and make sure it isn't abundantly clear that you favor the "always successful child".

If you start right there you'll have plenty to focus on. Asking this PP for advice is pretty much reinforcing the golden child dynamic for both kids, and apparently (from 2 pages of posts) sucks for both kids.