When one child is much better at everything then the other child

[Anonymous]

I'm looking to hear from parents that have kids where one is clearly amazing at everything: school, sports, music, friends, etc. and have a child that is more "normal" (ok at school, ok with everything else).

Or if you were the child with the amazing sibling, what did your parents do right in this situation?

How do you parent? When one does really well, I find a compliment for the other one. But it's getting clear that one will always do much better.

[Anonymous]

I've never been in that situation myself, but work with kids and families professionally. First off, HUGE kudos to you for recognizing this dynamic and the potential for negative impacts on the "normal" child. You are way ahead of the game just in the fact that you're noticing and concerned about this.

I guess my advice off the top of my head would be:

1. Don't decide that this will always be the case. I understand that it's looking that way, but if they're in different grades and at some point possibly end up at different schools, remember that to some degree each is in their own world. I know when it comes to how many kids want to come to their birthday party, or how many playdates they get invited on, or how strangers react to them, or how other family interact with them, they will always be aware of how they compare to each other. But school and extra-curricular activities offer an opportunity for them to do their own things in their own circles eventuallly, and you may be surprised at how your "normal" child shines. Just be sure you don't unintentionally damn that child to "permanent 2nd rate status" based on what you're seeing happen.

2. Keep doing what you're doing in terms of praising both, although sometimes it's good to only praise one at a time. So if the "child who is always doing really well" gets praised, praise them and let it go. Then be intentional about finding another time to praise your other child for something and only praise that child at that time. If you're always adding a praise to the other child after "super kid" gets praised, at some point they'll all catch on and it won't mean much.

3. Keep looking for interests and activities and people that make your other child feel happy. They don't have to be great at them, just have them feel happy. It would be great for both of your kids to understand that it's not all about how others praise or recognize you. If you enjoy something, there is success and accomplishment in just doing that thing. I love to sing really loud and I sound awful. But singing makes me happy, so if I can do it when no one is really affected, I enjoy it, and if I were a kid I'd want my parent to see that I like it and nurture it in me for that reason.

4. One of the most profound lessons I've learned in the last few years is about how praise or accomplishment is delivered. We are so used to talking about how happy/proud we as parents are. I have tried hard to now emphasize how the accomplishment feels to my child, and ask them how it feels to have worked so hard and not given up, or tried something new, and basically emphasize that the big good thing is that THEY feel good about their accomplishment and that they worked for it. This helps in a dynamic like yours because hopefullly the seed can be planted and grow strong that it's not really about what others think or how others recognize. The feeling of recognition and success doesn't only lie within how others praise you. That can be key for someone who tries their best but usually doesn't stand out.

I'll have to think about what else I've seen work, but that's it off the top of my head. Sorry it's so long!

[Anonymous]

I don't buy it. There has to be something child "normal child" is better at the other child at. Perhaps humor, being able to laugh at his or herself, being humble, supporting friends, being present in the moment, appreciating theater. Think hard about what makes your "normal" child contribute to the family in a way that stands out vis-a-vis "excelling child" and be sure you praise these qualities. I think it's as simple as "I sure love they way you're quick to help out with the recycling every week." Or "boy I can tell you like an orderly room" or "its so wonderful you enjoy reading the newspaper with me every Sunday-you're going to know a lot about the world when you grow up."

You don't have to make a comparison, you just need to acknowledge that you SEE normal child and appreciate things about him or her that are wonderful and unique.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't buy it. There has to be something child "normal child" is better at the other child at. Perhaps humor, being able to laugh at his or herself, being humble, supporting friends, being present in the moment, appreciating theater. Think hard about what makes your "normal" child contribute to the family in a way that stands out vis-a-vis "excelling child" and be sure you praise these qualities. I think it's as simple as "I sure love they way you're quick to help out with the recycling every week." Or "boy I can tell you like an orderly room" or "its so wonderful you enjoy reading the newspaper with me every Sunday-you're going to know a lot about the world when you grow up."

You don't have to make a comparison, you just need to acknowledge that you SEE normal child and appreciate things about him or her that are wonderful and unique.

+1

I am the youngest of several superhuman siblings, and I definitely felt it growing up. It didn't help that my hometown is quite small, so most of my teachers also knew my sibs and set their expectations accordingly. There was nothing wrong with me, but my standard of comparison (and my parents') was my family, not the general population. Having a hard time in calculus in 12th grade didn't seem normal to me. It seemed like an occasion for shame.

Now that we're adults, my parents still don't seem satisfied. They don't see us as having individual, if opposed, achievements ("You've managed to reinvent yourself several times in a changing job market!" "You've made a name for yourself in your field!" "You still find your career engrossing, even as you near retirement" "You have a well-balanced life"). We're the one who should have gotten married and had kids, the one who can't sustain a relationship, the one who hasn't had a promotion in several years . . . .

My firstborn is a great kid, and his achievements are highly visible: good grades, community activities, loads of friends, always kind and helpful. His younger brother admires him, which is fine, and wants to be him, which is not. And it's hard, because the things I like about him are not things a casual observer will notice: endlessly kind and patient with animals, able to amuse himself, fascinated by how things work, stands firm on his beliefs. Other people may not notice, but I make sure I tell him when I do.

[Anonymous]

OP, I sympathize. This is going on in my family, only it's with two identical twins. One is better than the other at every single thing. Other people can't help but compare. It really sucks.

[Anonymous]

I know many families in which the golden child who was great at school is now floundering, and the less flashy one who flew under the radar is the one with the good job and happy family.

Interestingly, in some cases, it's because the golden child prepared for a high flying career, and was then not quite good enough to get one of the rare excellent jobs in that field, while the late bloomer child found a field in which they truly excelled and focused on it. In some cases, the golden child is closer to the interfering parents, and has been held back by them, while the other child is free.

[Anonymous]

Interesting discussion. Not quite there yet, but I'm afraid that in my family it is shaping up that YOUNGER child (2 boys) will be the visible superstar. Equally hard to manage and I'd love comments and advice.

[Anonymous]

We had this scenario in my family growing up. Parents tried to support the "normal" kid as much as possible - any random hobby/interest got their full attention. There was and is still tension between siblings. Normal kid was tired of comparison with superstar. Superstar felt like parents spent a ton of time and money trying to help normal kid.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Normal kid does have great qualities that the casual observer wouldn't notice. I'm going to try to praise him about those things more often.

The comments are helpful, keep them coming.

[Anonymous]

I have one who is a superstar in everything, one that is a superstar in academics and one that struggles. I have never felt the need to compliment my struggler just because I am complimenting one of the others. I also don't feel the need to constantly compliment my other two kids on their accomplishments. When everything is naturally easy, it really isn't that extraordinary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Normal kid does have great qualities that the casual observer wouldn't notice. I'm going to try to praise him about those things more often.

The comments are helpful, keep them coming.

I have one child that is clearly high achieving, an extrovert, and very similar to me. My other is very different than I am. I find complimenting the characteristics that make him who he is (determined, perceptive, cautious, funny) help me focus on appreciating him for who he is rather than urging him to be more like me or hs sibling. You might also drop some little comments into your conversation about how these characteristics make people successful in life. . .

As many of the comments above suggest, straight As alone do not determine success in life. Saying this stuff outloud will shape your own perception as well as your kids.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 kids middle school. Eldest has a combination of discipline and being a natural at many things (academics, sports, arts, socializing/friendships) and has solid orstellar success with seemingly likely effort. The younger one is very good at these things, but has less discipline, must work much harder and sees self in comparison. This made harder by older getting external recognition from people and institutionally (grades, awards, acceptances to schools, teams).

We try to emphasize the idea that people have different strengths. Always do your best effort and the important of trying new things. And that everyone has to work.
So far it has been hard for youngerard, but that's our emphasis.

[Anonymous]

My superstar sibling was murdered as a teenager. I'm the normal average one and even though he's been dead for 20 years it still stings that the golden child died and I lived. I know they wish it was the opposite

[Anonymous]

Patience, my friend. There is life after school.

I have a learning-disabled firstborn and a high-achieving second child. Even with the huge age gap between them, DC2 manages to do things better than DC1.

However, who knows what the future holds? May be DC1 will go on to be a happy and successful adult in his chosen field, and perhaps DC2 will have difficulties.

I set my expectations high for both of them, but only up to the level that I think they can achieve. There is no equal treatment in our house. They each have their own goals, and receive fulsome praise when they reach them.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I have no advice but I want to thank you for posting this because I'm struggling with this in my own family. Agree with all the PPs that finding things that are wonderful and unique to my "non-superstar" kid is the key.