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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Do not praise the achievements.  Of either kid.

Focus on the effort.  Notice that and value it in both kids.  Praise it when you see it.  Teach both of your kids that genuine effort matters more than anything else.

This means that if your DC1 comes home with highest honors, you don't celebrate that.  You say, "You know what?  I really respect the way you worked hard in math when it got tougher last month.  Remember that quiz you studied so hard for?"  or with sports, "I love how you didn't give up when you kept striking out that first inning."

Because even if someone is objectively "good" at things, it doesn't mean it all comes easy to them.  Sure, it might all still come easier than it does to his sibling.  But focus on where he pushed himself to work hard, be persistent / not give up etc.

This goes for the child whose accomplishments may be less.  Genuinely look for specific times when he showed grit and determination, regardless of the result.  He will dismiss it if he knows it's BS.  But if you're focusing your praise on those things for BOTH kids, he will accept that this is what you value.  And he will feel good when he does it.

The other tip is to focus on their character.  Again, the good CHOICES they make.  To be a supportive teammate.  To be a considerate friend.  To behave properly.  To do the right thing, even when it's difficult.

And whenever possible, focus on whether they had FUN.  For example, DC is a powerhouse in a particular sport right now.  Adults sometimes fawn all over DC after a game, and it makes all of us uncomfortable, including DC.  What do we say after a great performance in a game?  "What'd you think?  Did you have fun?  What was your favorite part?"  And "I'm so glad I could be at the game. really like watching you play."  That's it.  No swooning over hits or catches or focus on a missed play and how to "fix" the mistake.  Just "I like watching you play."

If you're interested, here are a few resources that might be helpful to shift your mindset about achievement and your interaction with BOTH of your children:

http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

http://mindsetonline.com/

http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322

http://habitsofmind.org/

http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/more-family-fun/201202/what-makes-nightmare-sports-parent [/quote]

For children who are inattentive, it is hard to see when they are putting in effort.[/quote]

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