If your child trashes my playroom...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I say "oh, no...don't worry about it" when you tell him to clean it up before you go it's not because I'm being polite. It's because I want your child out of my home as quickly as possible. And no, you don't get to "teach him" to clean up messes he makes this way. Teach him to not trash other peoples playrooms in the first place.

What were you doing while the trashing was in progress?

[Anonymous]

If your kid was so upset about the mess and friend was out of control, why didn't she/he come get you? I get that your child probably wasn't part of creating the mess, but to be so upset as to be in tears over the situation, but not feel comfortable calling for back-up when things got out of control seems very odd.

[Anonymous]

If your DC was really that upset by what was going on, DC should have told the friend to stop or come get you. It sounds like neither happened, and DC was more afraid of your reaction after the fact. Don't get me wrong - everyone has their own style and level of neatness - you're house, you're rules.

Just take a step back for a moment and think whether the kid was upset b/c of "stuff" or b/c of your normal reaction to mess. I say this as someone who is married to a man who was an only child and raised by his elderly grandparents. There was no such thing as a playroom, or making a mess with several toys at once. He gets so upset with the "mess" created by playdates or even when our DS plays alone (all those Legos!) Over the years, I've noticed how scared my DS gets if things aren't cleaned up before DH gets home, or if a toy breaks by accident - my DH thinks that there are no real accidents if you "take proper care of your things". I'm from a large family, so I've gotten him to mellow some over the years, but it can be very stressful on kids living in houses with one extreme or the other. I'm not saying you're at an extreme, just take a step back and ask yourself how much pressure do you put on the kid to keep everything so clean that he gets upset if it becomes a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I say "oh, no...don't worry about it" when you tell him to clean it up before you go it's not because I'm being polite. It's because I want your child out of my home as quickly as possible. And no, you don't get to "teach him" to clean up messes he makes this way. Teach him to not trash other peoples playrooms in the first place.

So instead of telling the child and the mother this, where it might have had some effect, you post about it on DCUM? Why?

Really? You don't get that people come on here to vent? You don't get that lecturing the mom at that moment probably would be a waste of time and kinda weird? If the mom of the messy kid has any social ability whatsoever, she would apologize when the mess was discovered, offer to help clean up, defer politely if the OP says no, leave, and then write an apology later. Sheesh.

So, what happened, according to the OP? The mother apologized, offered to help clean up, deferred politely, and left. (OP didn't say anything about an apology, but the other mother might not have even had a chance to write one yet.)

Venting is fine, but it doesn't replace actual communication with the actual people you're having actual problems with.

Venting is fine. That is all that happened here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has playroom?

NP--that's what we call the room in our basement (in our DC rowhouse). What's the issue?

As the mother of a 9 year old, that's totally unacceptable. No 9 year old should be trashing someone's space let alone their own.

I think the PP was referring to the use of the word "my". Those kind of nitpicky posts making fun of other people's word choices drive me nuts. Having said that, it does seem odd for a parent to refer to a playroom that way. "The playroom", "our playroom", "the kids' playroom" (if I had more than one kid) and "Johnny's playroom" are all terms that wouldn't surprise me.

[Anonymous]

We had friends over for lunch and the kids were playing in the basement (ages 2-7) and it was the 7 year old that TRASHEd the basement. She took paint out and smeared it all over the art table and floor, dumped bins of toys out for no reason, took a kite and wrapped it around the entire house in and out of branches, etc. She also took a bunch of art supplies outside.

The dad was single parenting and we didnt realize how bad it was until they left, but I was furious. I dont think I will invite them again, even though I really like the parents and the sisters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had friends over for lunch and the kids were playing in the basement (ages 2-7) and it was the 7 year old that TRASHEd the basement. She took paint out and smeared it all over the art table and floor, dumped bins of toys out for no reason, took a kite and wrapped it around the entire house in and out of branches, etc. She also took a bunch of art supplies outside.

The dad was single parenting and we didn't realize how bad it was until they left, but I was furious. I don't think I will invite them again, even though I really like the parents and the sisters.

How does a 7 year old go outside and do this and nobody notices?

You are being awfully punitive here, especially since you like these people. And since there's a single father, I expect there's a story here and some real challenges. I would say the same about a single mother. He was probably so grateful to be able to sit and talk with adults while his kids were engaged. Plus 7 years old? I did some really stupid stuff when I was that age, its really young. Too young to write off the whole family, especially a family with challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had friends over for lunch and the kids were playing in the basement (ages 2-7) and it was the 7 year old that TRASHEd the basement. She took paint out and smeared it all over the art table and floor, dumped bins of toys out for no reason, took a kite and wrapped it around the entire house in and out of branches, etc. She also took a bunch of art supplies outside.

The dad was single parenting and we didn't realize how bad it was until they left, but I was furious. I don't think I will invite them again, even though I really like the parents and the sisters.

How does a 7 year old go outside and do this and nobody notices?

You are being awfully punitive here, especially since you like these people. And since there's a single father, I expect there's a story here and some real challenges. I would say the same about a single mother. He was probably so grateful to be able to sit and talk with adults while his kids were engaged. Plus 7 years old? I did some really stupid stuff when I was that age, its really young. Too young to write off the whole family, especially a family with challenges.

I was an easily excitable kid. I can clearly remember two times when I was the instigator for creating stupid kid messes in other people's houses. I also remember how awful it felt when someone else was the instigator in my house, and I knew I'd get in trouble for the mess.

If you like the family, give them a second chance, but with boundaries. (Invite them over when you can play outside/at a park, pre-select toys that can be played with, and everything else is off-limits, check in with the kids more often) 7, and even 9 year old kids do lots of stupid things, but it doesn't mean they will always do stupid things, especially if given guidelines on how to behave differently.

Or write the family off if you don't want to put in the effort. I don't think there's any shame in that, but do it knowing that you might be losing out on a good friendship over a one-time, out-of-control situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you inability to communicate clearly passes to your child. If you were able to say as soon as you discovered the mess something like:"looks like everyone had a lot of fun playing, let make it fun cleaning" to allow the child who created the mess to clean after himself. Then your child in future would be able to communicate clearly the house rules to his friends. By remaining silent infront of the guest and then binning this kid to come back to play, you are sending a wrong message to your child.

[Anonymous]

It's OK to trash the playroom. Playrooms are for playing. 15 mins before they leave, just pop your head in, say Cleanup time!, set the timer and leave. It's not a big deal to pick up the toys and it's a good lesson to teach that making a mess is no big deal IF you clean it right up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some kids take pleasure in the act of destruction and mess-making for its own sake, and OP is pretty clearly talking about this kind of kid. Let's not get all huffy about how kids should make a mess. At age 9 they should have more maturity than this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I say "oh, no...don't worry about it" when you tell him to clean it up before you go it's not because I'm being polite. It's because I want your child out of my home as quickly as possible. And no, you don't get to "teach him" to clean up messes he makes this way. Teach him to not trash other peoples playrooms in the first place.

I'm sorry OP, you lost the high ground. I don't doubt the child created an out of control mess but the mom here was probably upset as well and just trying to help. I don't see whats wrong with her trying to get him to clean it up. You would have been equally upset if she had scooped him up without trying to clean. There was no good choice for her here (and before you judge, know that no children are perfect and you really don't know what was going on there). If you didn't want her there, you ask them to leave, thats all. Pretty simple.

How did it get this far? Kids this age don't need constant supervision but checking in every once in a while is appropriate. Especially about 10 to 15 minutes before they are supposed to be picked up. Even if it was an ordinary mess, and not a huge mess, you should have given them time to clean up.

What I've noticed is that when parents don't sent appropriate boundaries with their children, the children feel free to touch and play with anything (even if it's inappropriate) in another person's house. It would never occur to my kid to do something like that. I don't blame OP for being annoyed. Nine-year-olds know better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I say "oh, no...don't worry about it" when you tell him to clean it up before you go it's not because I'm being polite. It's because I want your child out of my home as quickly as possible. And no, you don't get to "teach him" to clean up messes he makes this way. Teach him to not trash other peoples playrooms in the first place.

So, no Frizzle children. Got it.

[Anonymous]

People are strange. I once had a 'friend' get upset with me, because her daughter (age 7) colored on my family room sofa with magic markers. Heavily. She was upset because she said 'everyone nowadays' only uses those magic markers that only color on special paper. Why did I have regular ones in the house? Clearly it was my fault.

Yes, clearly it was my fault that I taught my children not to color on the furniture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your DC was really that upset by what was going on, DC should have told the friend to stop or come get you. It sounds like neither happened, and DC was more afraid of your reaction after the fact. Don't get me wrong - everyone has their own style and level of neatness - you're house, you're rules.

Just take a step back for a moment and think whether the kid was upset b/c of "stuff" or b/c of your normal reaction to mess. I say this as someone who is married to a man who was an only child and raised by his elderly grandparents. There was no such thing as a playroom, or making a mess with several toys at once. He gets so upset with the "mess" created by playdates or even when our DS plays alone (all those Legos!) Over the years, I've noticed how scared my DS gets if things aren't cleaned up before DH gets home, or if a toy breaks by accident - my DH thinks that there are no real accidents if you "take proper care of your things". I'm from a large family, so I've gotten him to mellow some over the years, but it can be very stressful on kids living in houses with one extreme or the other. I'm not saying you're at an extreme, just take a step back and ask yourself how much pressure do you put on the kid to keep everything so clean that he gets upset if it becomes a mess.

This.