If your child trashes my playroom...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are strange. I once had a 'friend' get upset with me, because her daughter (age 7) colored on my family room sofa with magic markers. Heavily. She was upset because she said 'everyone nowadays' only uses those magic markers that only color on special paper. Why did I have regular ones in the house? Clearly it was my fault.

Yes, clearly it was my fault that I taught my children not to color on the furniture.

This is crazy, but it doesn't sound like the mom in OP's post was defensive. She tried to get her child to help clean up, but OP just wanted them gone. I'd have a completely different take on the situation of mom looked at the mess and said "no big deal. it's your fault for leaving the toys out." But that doesn't sound like what happened.

[Anonymous]

I said on page 1 that I wouldn't have these kids back. I don't think my kids would suffer not having a playdate with some out-of-control kids. I think they'd be grateful.

BUT

OP I DO think you should have made them clear up, not just kicked them out of your house. You've effectively told them that their behavior is fine. And its not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I said on page 1 that I wouldn't have these kids back. I don't think my kids would suffer not having a playdate with some out-of-control kids. I think they'd be grateful.

BUT

OP I DO think you should have made them clear up, not just kicked them out of your house. You've effectively told them that their behavior is fine. And its not.

I disagree. I'm not their mom, and my one lame attempt to try to get them to clean isn't going to outdo years of lazy parenting.

I've done the same thing before, and I'm sure I'll have to do it again.

To clarify: this is when a kid trashes my house. Not messes things up (it's kind of messy as is). I've had a girl rip my DC's favorite poster off the wall and tear it up right in front of him; he was 3 at the time. Some kids are just little sh*ts.

[Anonymous]

Well if there is actual destruction of property - get them to replace it or pay for it. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I said on page 1 that I wouldn't have these kids back. I don't think my kids would suffer not having a playdate with some out-of-control kids. I think they'd be grateful.

BUT

OP I DO think you should have made them clear up, not just kicked them out of your house. You've effectively told them that their behavior is fine. And its not.

I disagree. I'm not their mom, and my one lame attempt to try to get them to clean isn't going to outdo years of lazy parenting.

I've done the same thing before, and I'm sure I'll have to do it again.

To clarify: this is when a kid trashes my house. Not messes things up (it's kind of messy as is). I've had a girl rip my DC's favorite poster off the wall and tear it up right in front of him; he was 3 at the time. Some kids are just little sh*ts.

Are you the OP?
If so, did you check on the kids while your playroom was being "trashed" or not?

One might say, lazing parenting on YOUR part for not having a handle on the playdate and letting it get to this point.
Check earlier. Give the kids a stop point to clean up. That other mother must have been humiliated at your rush job out of her place.
Don't worry about her DS coming over; she'd probably decline and has perhaps tipped off other moms about you.

[Anonymous]

My son is 9 and his 10 yr old friend is over today. The playroom is a mess and I don't care. That's what kids do. In about 10 mins, I will go down and make sure they clean it up. What's the big deal? Trashing something means the kids destroyed it. How did this child destroy the room? Were things ripped off the wall? I don't understand what the problem is.

[Anonymous]

OP, honest question. Is this the normal dynamic between these kids? I'm totally armchair quarterbacking here, but it sounds to me more like your child and this child may not get along all that well, and that maybe your child felt a little overwhelmed by this kid, who may have been a bit overbearing. Yes, even at 9.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I say "oh, no...don't worry about it" when you tell him to clean it up before you go it's not because I'm being polite. It's because I want your child out of my home as quickly as possible. And no, you don't get to "teach him" to clean up messes he makes this way. Teach him to not trash other peoples playrooms in the first place.

I'm sorry OP, you lost the high ground. I don't doubt the child created an out of control mess but the mom here was probably upset as well and just trying to help. I don't see whats wrong with her trying to get him to clean it up. You would have been equally upset if she had scooped him up without trying to clean. There was no good choice for her here (and before you judge, know that no children are perfect and you really don't know what was going on there). If you didn't want her there, you ask them to leave, thats all. Pretty simple.

How did it get this far? Kids this age don't need constant supervision but checking in every once in a while is appropriate. Especially about 10 to 15 minutes before they are supposed to be picked up. Even if it was an ordinary mess, and not a huge mess, you should have given them time to clean up.

What I've noticed is that when parents don't sent appropriate boundaries with their children, the children feel free to touch and play with anything (even if it's inappropriate) in another person's house. It would never occur to my kid to do something like that. I don't blame OP for being annoyed. Nine-year-olds know better.

The kid was playing with toys in a playroom. What is inappropriate about that?

I think the OP is angry about the mess (made by kids playing--do we even know that the other kid was deliberate "trashing" the place, or was he just making a mess incidental to playing), but her reaction is irrational. The other parent told her kid to help clean up. OP refused the offer and now won't have the kid back, and I guarantee that the other family won't know why. I would have (1) checked in on the boys from time to time, and (2) told them both to clean up. Why get angry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I say "oh, no...don't worry about it" when you tell him to clean it up before you go it's not because I'm being polite. It's because I want your child out of my home as quickly as possible. And no, you don't get to "teach him" to clean up messes he makes this way. Teach him to not trash other peoples playrooms in the first place.

I'm sorry OP, you lost the high ground. I don't doubt the child created an out of control mess but the mom here was probably upset as well and just trying to help. I don't see whats wrong with her trying to get him to clean it up. You would have been equally upset if she had scooped him up without trying to clean. There was no good choice for her here (and before you judge, know that no children are perfect and you really don't know what was going on there). If you didn't want her there, you ask them to leave, thats all. Pretty simple.

How did it get this far? Kids this age don't need constant supervision but checking in every once in a while is appropriate. Especially about 10 to 15 minutes before they are supposed to be picked up. Even if it was an ordinary mess, and not a huge mess, you should have given them time to clean up.

What I've noticed is that when parents don't sent appropriate boundaries with their children, the children feel free to touch and play with anything (even if it's inappropriate) in another person's house. It would never occur to my kid to do something like that. I don't blame OP for being annoyed. Nine-year-olds know better.

The kid was playing with toys in a playroom. What is inappropriate about that?

I think the OP is angry about the mess (made by kids playing--do we even know that the other kid was deliberate "trashing" the place, or was he just making a mess incidental to playing), but her reaction is irrational. The other parent told her kid to help clean up. OP refused the offer and now won't have the kid back, and I guarantee that the other family won't know why. I would have (1) checked in on the boys from time to time, and (2) told them both to clean up. Why get angry?

You make some good points about how OP could have handled this differently. I don't disagree. But OP reported that toys were pulled off of shelves and board games were strewn around. I do think kids who have had boundaries set by their parents don't feel like it's okay to throw stuff around to that extent. This is not your typical making a mess while playing.

[Anonymous]

I totally get OPs post - my kids are older now, but I can remember hosting some really destructive kids and wondering how on earth they could be elementary school age and still acting like this. My big move was to ask them "are you allowed to do this at home"..... and if they said yes, I would just tell them "well, we do not allow "xxx' here". You can't do much more than that I'm afraid. Wrecking another kids/families stuff is very disrespectful and shows that something is up with the kid. It sucks when it happens, but I don't remember any repeat offenders - and - some of the worst ones grew up to be very nice and polite (to me at least).

[Anonymous]

Kids make a mess. In our house, my kids and myself clean up the mess later (if there is one). I'm a little surprised there was a huge mess. Usually it's the 7 and under crowd that goes through every toy.

Anyways, I think that if it was just a mess, then you need to step back and not be mad that a mess gets made.

If you think that the boy wasn't even playing but purposefully going around and throwing things around in order to make a mess, then I understand you better and agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I said on page 1 that I wouldn't have these kids back. I don't think my kids would suffer not having a playdate with some out-of-control kids. I think they'd be grateful.

BUT

OP I DO think you should have made them clear up, not just kicked them out of your house. You've effectively told them that their behavior is fine. And its not.

I disagree. I'm not their mom, and my one lame attempt to try to get them to clean isn't going to outdo years of lazy parenting.

I've done the same thing before, and I'm sure I'll have to do it again.

To clarify: this is when a kid trashes my house. Not messes things up (it's kind of messy as is). I've had a girl rip my DC's favorite poster off the wall and tear it up right in front of him; he was 3 at the time. Some kids are just little sh*ts.

Are you the OP?
If so, did you check on the kids while your playroom was being "trashed" or not?

One might say, lazing parenting on YOUR part for not having a handle on the playdate and letting it get to this point.
Check earlier. Give the kids a stop point to clean up. That other mother must have been humiliated at your rush job out of her place.
Don't worry about her DS coming over; she'd probably decline and has perhaps tipped off other moms about you.

Funny, I don't remember seeing you that night!

No, I am not the OP. Yes, I was there because I wasn't going to leave my 3-year-old alone downstairs. The girl's mom was upstairs. The girl tore the poster off the wall, and my DS started to cry. I said to the girl, "Please put that down. That's his favorite." So she proceeded to walk over to him, hold the poster in front of his face as though she was going to give it to him, and when he reached for it she tore it into little pieces.

Sadly, the parents weren't humiliated at all. If they tipped off other families that I don't appreciate my child's property being destroyed, I'm very grateful for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I said on page 1 that I wouldn't have these kids back. I don't think my kids would suffer not having a playdate with some out-of-control kids. I think they'd be grateful.

BUT

OP I DO think you should have made them clear up, not just kicked them out of your house. You've effectively told them that their behavior is fine. And its not.

I disagree. I'm not their mom, and my one lame attempt to try to get them to clean isn't going to outdo years of lazy parenting.

I've done the same thing before, and I'm sure I'll have to do it again.

To clarify: this is when a kid trashes my house. Not messes things up (it's kind of messy as is). I've had a girl rip my DC's favorite poster off the wall and tear it up right in front of him; he was 3 at the time. Some kids are just little sh*ts.

Are you the OP?
If so, did you check on the kids while your playroom was being "trashed" or not?

One might say, lazing parenting on YOUR part for not having a handle on the playdate and letting it get to this point.
Check earlier. Give the kids a stop point to clean up. That other mother must have been humiliated at your rush job out of her place.
Don't worry about her DS coming over; she'd probably decline and has perhaps tipped off other moms about you.

I'm not the OP but come on! By age 9, children should be able to play in a playroom with their friends without adult supervision without trashing it! These aren't toddlers we're talking about!

[Anonymous]

OP I so get what you are saying. Most people that have play dates at my house don't even offer to help clean up the mess. I'm also tired of everyone saying "oh little Johnny just loves coming over to your house." No shit!!! You make and leave a mess for me to clean up and never reciprocate the play dates. Also, one of his toys get destroyed every single time. I'm honestly so over play dates. I think the new rule will be play dates at the park.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: board games tipped out with pieces/cards mixed on floor, shelves emptied of toys, baskets of cars turned over, etc. At nine, I think any mess you can't pick up in 10 minutes is excessive, and if your mom has to oversee you to clean it up, I'd rather you just leave. Ugh.

Why?! As long as nothing is broken, what exactly is the problem? Who knows what they were playing. If the kid only trashed the place on purpose only to make a mess I would say you are right...but do you REALLY know that's what happened? Maybe a game got out of hand. Maybe they were playing with everything one after the other just without putting the things the played with back when they were done. Again, if nothing is broken, what exactly is the harm in them cleaning the place up together? Like you mentioned: they are old enough to do that.

If, on the other hand, you came down when it was time to leave it is your fault for not giving two kids enough pre-warning time to have enough time to clean up their mess so by the time the kid needed to actually leave everything would have been done...