Spouse having long phone conversations with cousin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long did you date before getting married? How old are you? Do you have a professional career?

Trying to get a better feel for the situation.

We dated 3 years before getting married. I am 32, he is 30, cousin is 25. I do have a professional career and have been with the same company since I graduated from college, in various locations and positions. I am now the regional manager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, I don't really understand why the cousin is ever in a position to "defend you" to your DH. That seems odd and inappropriate. But again, you must address the lack of emotional intimacy head-on with your DH.

Every fight we have, he tells her about. She knows him well enough to pick through his side of the story and stand up for me and my side. She'll also call him out face to face when he gets in his bully mode with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:is it possible they were having an affair?

I'm going to assume you mean emotional affair rather than physical. I don't think you can really classify cousins in the emotional affair category. It just seems that their connection and our lack of connection says something bad about our relationship. It's not as if he's someone who just doesn't connect, he just doesn't really with me. We are also in his town with his friends, so I see how he is with everyone else constantly.

BAM! This is the issue we're all trrying to point out. marriage counseling and deep talks with your DH- stat. The other stuff is just noise.

I'm beginning to agree with this. The big issue (besides convincing him to go, which the cousin would actually help me do), is we just don't have the time. He is a regional account manager for a major brand and travels every single day. He might drive 3 hours in the morning to see one client and then turn around and drive to the other side of the state to see another and get home at 8 or 9 that night. I have regular hours and work primarily out of one location, or at the least another location in the city, so I could make it work. It is DH's first year in this position and that has put a lot of stress on him. I don't know that I can ask him to add more right now.

[Anonymous]

Ahhhh. OK. I do think knowing the ages helps to put this more in perspective. Personally I think I would talk with your husband about being concerned the two of you are not connecting emotionally. I would leave the cousin out of the discussion.

The cousin is 25. That is young and I'm going to guess she is not in a serious relationship. I think if you are patient and give this some time, it is going to die a natural death. I would work on building your relationship with the younger cousin -- it sounds like you are already friends. I think in about 10 years she's going to come to you and say something like, you must have wanted to kill me when you first got married!

[Anonymous]

I had a similar issue but with a work-wife. At one point I sat down with DH and said, "I want you to be able to tell me things. I want to be your best friend, the one you turn to…" I pointed out some famous power couples and said, "see how they work together?" (not that I want us to be a power couple but you get the idea)

That was 10 years ago and it worked. Now he tells me all about work, sometimes in excruciating detail but I never zone out because it's part of earning what I wanted. (Btw it's been very good for our marriage and also for his work situation.) Anyways I think you can extrapolate this to your situation, so HTH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ahhhh. OK. I do think knowing the ages helps to put this more in perspective. Personally I think I would talk with your husband about being concerned the two of you are not connecting emotionally. I would leave the cousin out of the discussion.

The cousin is 25. That is young and I'm going to guess she is not in a serious relationship. I think if you are patient and give this some time, it is going to die a natural death. I would work on building your relationship with the younger cousin -- it sounds like you are already friends. I think in about 10 years she's going to come to you and say something like, you must have wanted to kill me when you first got married!

Cousin is engaged, has a professional career, as well as working toward her PhD. I really don't see this situation ever changing because it so much of a normalcy for them. She had a brother that was the same age as DH and he died 12 years ago when cousin was 13. I think DH tried to fill the brother's spot and it's just turned into a sibling relationship, but it's the kind that twins have where they are creepily connected and talk telepathically at the dinner table. I think I'll take solace in the fact that it's his cousin and not some girl from high school/college/work that he's texting and calling all the time. He may not be totally connected to me, but at least he's not cheating.

[Anonymous]

I really do think it will fade with time. I don't know how to convince you of this, but as someone who is 44 and gone through many stages of life and kids, my best advice is this too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:is it possible they were having an affair?

I'm going to assume you mean emotional affair rather than physical. I don't think you can really classify cousins in the emotional affair category. It just seems that their connection and our lack of connection says something bad about our relationship. It's not as if he's someone who just doesn't connect, he just doesn't really with me. We are also in his town with his friends, so I see how he is with everyone else constantly.

BAM! This is the issue we're all trrying to point out. marriage counseling and deep talks with your DH- stat. The other stuff is just noise.

I'm beginning to agree with this. The big issue (besides convincing him to go, which the cousin would actually help me do), is we just don't have the time. He is a regional account manager for a major brand and travels every single day. He might drive 3 hours in the morning to see one client and then turn around and drive to the other side of the state to see another and get home at 8 or 9 that night. I have regular hours and work primarily out of one location, or at the least another location in the city, so I could make it work. It is DH's first year in this position and that has put a lot of stress on him. I don't know that I can ask him to add more right now.

I am the "BAM" poster. I'm just an internet stranger who has heard a limited part of the story, but I also suspect, f I do say so myself, that I have more experience/perspective on this sort of thing that you do at the moment. And I am telling you, strongly, that you marriage (if you think that emotional intimacy and partnershhip are important parts of marriage, which I am assuming you do) may depend on figuring out the logistics here, and the sooner the better.

One possibility is starting just on your own with a coach and/or therapist.

[Anonymous]

We all need a best friend in life. Get one yourself and enjoy chatting away. It's a big stress reliever and would help you get the stick out of your ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We all need a best friend in life. Get one yourself and enjoy chatting away. It's a big stress reliever and would help you get the stick out of your ass.

Agree with this, although I might have put it less bluntly.

OP, it sounds like your DH's cousin is a genuinely helpful, nice person, and genuinely close (and no, this is not an "emotional affair") with your DH. They're friends. It's not a big deal.

Lots of people have a friend confident, even with regard to marital stuff. Sounds like you could use one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ahhhh. OK. I do think knowing the ages helps to put this more in perspective. Personally I think I would talk with your husband about being concerned the two of you are not connecting emotionally. I would leave the cousin out of the discussion.

The cousin is 25. That is young and I'm going to guess she is not in a serious relationship. I think if you are patient and give this some time, it is going to die a natural death. I would work on building your relationship with the younger cousin -- it sounds like you are already friends. I think in about 10 years she's going to come to you and say something like, you must have wanted to kill me when you first got married!

Cousin is engaged, has a professional career, as well as working toward her PhD. I really don't see this situation ever changing because it so much of a normalcy for them. She had a brother that was the same age as DH and he died 12 years ago when cousin was 13. I think DH tried to fill the brother's spot and it's just turned into a sibling relationship, but it's the kind that twins have where they are creepily connected and talk telepathically at the dinner table. I think I'll take solace in the fact that it's his cousin and not some girl from high school/college/work that he's texting and calling all the time. He may not be totally connected to me, but at least he's not cheating.

Um, this is a huge part of the equation here that you left out. Her brother died when she was a kid and your husband stepped in to fill that role? They have a sibling relationship. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

So you are jealous that she is closer to him than you are. Part of that is because she is like his sister, but the other part is that you guys are just lacking closeness, which is not at all her fault. Definitely talk to a therapist about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ahhhh. OK. I do think knowing the ages helps to put this more in perspective. Personally I think I would talk with your husband about being concerned the two of you are not connecting emotionally. I would leave the cousin out of the discussion.

The cousin is 25. That is young and I'm going to guess she is not in a serious relationship. I think if you are patient and give this some time, it is going to die a natural death. I would work on building your relationship with the younger cousin -- it sounds like you are already friends. I think in about 10 years she's going to come to you and say something like, you must have wanted to kill me when you first got married!

Cousin is engaged, has a professional career, as well as working toward her PhD. I really don't see this situation ever changing because it so much of a normalcy for them. She had a brother that was the same age as DH and he died 12 years ago when cousin was 13. I think DH tried to fill the brother's spot and it's just turned into a sibling relationship, but it's the kind that twins have where they are creepily connected and talk telepathically at the dinner table. I think I'll take solace in the fact that it's his cousin and not some girl from high school/college/work that he's texting and calling all the time. He may not be totally connected to me, but at least he's not cheating.

Um, this is a huge part of the equation here that you left out. Her brother died when she was a kid and your husband stepped in to fill that role? They have a sibling relationship. Get over it.

No shit. OP, this was probably part of the deal when you married DH. I bet it is a non-negotiable for him and you now bringing it up will lead to him feeling that the deal has changed. Now, when kids are in the picture there may be legitimate needs to adjust based on the kids schedules, but it can still be worked around. You definitely need to get into therapy yourself first to find out why this missing piece of time with DH is so consequential to your feelings on his emotional connectedness.

[Anonymous]

Are they having intimate, personal conversations? Or gossiping about you? Maybe he can tone down the length or frequency.
Or maybe someone in the fam is going through a tough time.. He should share w you.,

[Anonymous]

I can sort of see feeling like your privacy is being violated if he and she are discussing your relationship. It sounds like she is overly involved in your relationship in a junior high kind of way. I agree she might grow out of it once she has kids etc to focus on.