Spouse having long phone conversations with cousin

[Anonymous]

I was on the fence until you got around to the part that you don't have kids yet. What's the problem exactly? Your spouse isn't leaving you to single handily manage a tantruming toddler, burning food on the stove, and a hungry screaming baby. My husband has really long Skype chats with his family overseas and I used to resent how long they went on for because (1) it meant we had a 2-3 hour delay to our weekend and basically couldn't have any family outings just for fun before we had to head back for nap time and (2) he'd leave me to manage everything. We found some work arounds - we now have more frequent, but shorter chats with his family so it doesn't keep the whole family cooped up in the house for hours at a time; DH includes at least one of the kids in the call and wraps things up when the kids get too antsy to participate any more - so I'm not overwhelmed and there's a natural end to things; and DH does a better job of keeping in touch with his family during "off hours"/after bedtimes.

But you have none of those logistical issues, so you're not really justified in the matter. If you have a particular day you'd prefer the calls happened - like Sunday instead of Saturday, you can voice that preference nicely - but for the most part, once the cousin calls, take your cue to head out of the gym, go get a manicure, go grocery shopping, or just do something independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP again...if you feel that your DH is emotionally closer to his cousin than he is to you, and that he/she is more if a confidant than you are, then address that with your DH and would understand why that isn't feeling good to you. But that still doesn't mean you can put parameters on how often they talk.

OP Here. This is what it is. It is a well known fact among everyone involved with us that if you ever need to know anything about DH, call her. Interestingly enough, DH's brother also uses this same cousin as the super confidant. She has led me in the right direction when I needed to know something, and I know she has defended me to DH several times. My family loves her, everybody in our small town (their hometown, which I moved to) love her. She is a good person, so this isn't about me disliking her in anyway.

The calls are always around 9pm, so right when we're settling down with a show before bed. It's not a time where I can go to book club or walk at the mall. Its not even uncommon for those two to watch shows together and only talk on commercials. I try to see it as cute, but what happens when we add kids? What happens if I'm always relying on her to help me understand what's going on with him? It seems like since they have aged some and we have been together awhile there should be a shift. What is married life like when you have a third person who is necessary for me to know what's going on?

[Anonymous]

But he was like this before you married. Why did you think it would change?

I suggest couples therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP again...if you feel that your DH is emotionally closer to his cousin than he is to you, and that he/she is more if a confidant than you are, then address that with your DH and would understand why that isn't feeling good to you. But that still doesn't mean you can put parameters on how often they talk.

OP Here. This is what it is. It is a well known fact among everyone involved with us that if you ever need to know anything about DH, call her. Interestingly enough, DH's brother also uses this same cousin as the super confidant. She has led me in the right direction when I needed to know something, and I know she has defended me to DH several times. My family loves her, everybody in our small town (their hometown, which I moved to) love her. She is a good person, so this isn't about me disliking her in anyway.

The calls are always around 9pm, so right when we're settling down with a show before bed. It's not a time where I can go to book club or walk at the mall. Its not even uncommon for those two to watch shows together and only talk on commercials. I try to see it as cute, but what happens when we add kids? What happens if I'm always relying on her to help me understand what's going on with him? It seems like since they have aged some and we have been together awhile there should be a shift. What is married life like when you have a third person who is necessary for me to know what's going on?

It seems to me there are two pieces to this. First, that it takes up his time in the evenings. Second, their closeness.

On the first one, you said this happens every other week or so. If you can't entertain yourself for an hour or two every other week, you need to figure something out. Read a book, learn to knit, watch a tv show he's not as interested in. You need to be an independent person who is capable of being on her own for short periods. As for what happens when you have kids, deal with it down the road. It's a little hard to make a credible argument that he needs to change his relationship with his cousin now for hypothetical children in the future. Deal with it when those kids are a reality and there's actually a program.

The second one really is the thing, though, isn't it? You're not as close to him as she is. The thing about that is, it's not really about her. He can be close to both of you, and being close to her doesn't have to come at the expense of closeness with you. So the real thing to examine is why he isn't comfortable talk to you about these things? If you two can't figure that out on your own, marriage counseling is definitely in order. Even if she were to completely disappear from your lives, you wouldn't know any more about him, there just wouldn't be someone out there making it clear how little he shares with you by contrast.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with hte above poster. The fact that your husband has outside activities t hat don't involve you is someting that is healthy, and you need to get over.

However... the fact that those outside activities may actually be an emotional affair- is that what you think?- is a different story that requres atttention

[Anonymous]

is it possible they were having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But he was like this before you married. Why did you think it would change?

I suggest couples therapy.

He wasn't like this before we married, because his cousin lived here. She was around a lot and we all did things together as well as her and I and him and her. Now it's just the two of them talking and every once in a while she'll text or call me. We are the same as usual when she comes to visit though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:is it possible they were having an affair?

I'm going to assume you mean emotional affair rather than physical. I don't think you can really classify cousins in the emotional affair category. It just seems that their connection and our lack of connection says something bad about our relationship. It's not as if he's someone who just doesn't connect, he just doesn't really with me. We are also in his town with his friends, so I see how he is with everyone else constantly.

[Anonymous]

How long did you date before getting married? How old are you? Do you have a professional career?

Trying to get a better feel for the situation.

[Anonymous]

I get it now, OP. It's not about you trying to control your DH; it's about wanting more of an emotional connection with him.
That's very valid, but don't muddle the issue or trivialize it by making it about the phone calls with the cousin. If you do that with your DH, he won't take your concerns seriously or hear what you're saying between the lines, and nothing will get better. You must address this very clearly and directly with your DH: you don't feel that he is emotionally connected to you. Perhaps it is time for some marital counseling.

[Anonymous]

Also, I don't really understand why the cousin is ever in a position to "defend you" to your DH. That seems odd and inappropriate. But again, you must address the lack of emotional intimacy head-on with your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this shouldn't get under my skin, but it does. Spouse and their cousin were very close when we met 4 years ago. Since then, cousin has relocated several states away. Every other week or so cousin will call (usually for advice/talking through things), and they will spend an hour to 2 hours just chatting away. I understand their separation has been hard on them and they're used to talking daily, but some nights I don't want to stop what we are doing so spouse can spend their time on the phone. Cousin also frequently calls FIL and BIL, so I know it is not just spouse.

I don't want to come between spouse and cousin, but am I justified in asking spouse to put some parameters on how much they talk? We don't have children, so it's not detracting from them. FWIW, I do genuinely like cousin. They helped me a lot when I was joining the family.

Your deliberate use of pronouns is really contorted. What's up?

Opinions seem to change when the gender of everyone is known.

Yes, because GENDER MATTERS. Duh. So does sexual orientation in this context. So if you want some advice that could be actually helpful, stop being so PC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:is it possible they were having an affair?

I'm going to assume you mean emotional affair rather than physical. I don't think you can really classify cousins in the emotional affair category. It just seems that their connection and our lack of connection says something bad about our relationship. It's not as if he's someone who just doesn't connect, he just doesn't really with me. We are also in his town with his friends, so I see how he is with everyone else constantly.

No. I meant physical.

[Anonymous]

Don't see the problem. 9pm seems like a good time to call. It's not like she's calling at 6pm asks interrupting dinner and monopolizing your evening together. Go ahead and watch the show while he yaps on the phone. Big deal. Or get another hobby. Or take a hot bath. Whatever. You're making a problem where a problem doesn't exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:is it possible they were having an affair?

I'm going to assume you mean emotional affair rather than physical. I don't think you can really classify cousins in the emotional affair category. It just seems that their connection and our lack of connection says something bad about our relationship. It's not as if he's someone who just doesn't connect, he just doesn't really with me. We are also in his town with his friends, so I see how he is with everyone else constantly.

BAM! This is the issue we're all trrying to point out. marriage counseling and deep talks with your DH- stat. The other stuff is just noise.