My husband and I have only had sex once since our son was born

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife got used to not having sex and stopped craving it. I've been there as a woman. BFing made it hard to view my body as sexual, particularly my breasts. I was NEVER in the mood naturally. Having sex is what got me into the mood (during the act). I probably would've gone over a year without sex otherwise.

DH here (and PP), and I don't want to be accused of telling a woman about her own body, but I have to add that breast feeding doesn't just change body image. It actually changes your biochemistry, and in particular, the part of your biochemistry which regulates your need for human contact and affection (and sex). The entire point of this system is probably evolutionary in order to better ensure the success of offspring - if you are still busy taking care of baby n, it's not reproductively (from an evolutionary perspective) optimal for you to be getting pregnant with baby n+1, and therefore, not optimal if you are having sex. Breastfeeding is a pretty strong indicator you're still very busy taking care of baby n. I think evolutionary psych is kind of..tenuous or tenditious at best, but the oxytocin mechanism is pretty straightforward.

This is why I believe breastfeeding beyond 24 months is insane, as is "co sleeping". These practices are pretty much deliberately sabotaging any hope of re-igniting passion with your spouse.

DW has made it clear she doesn't see breastfeeding beyond 6 months (max), though I'm a little less militant (I say BF - if you produce enough - until you get the kiddo on solids - definitely doable in a year). I also expect baby in the baby's own room by a year at the very most.

To the guy who asked "how long do you wait?" I've kind of adjusted my expectations for a 2 year drought. If it goes longer, then we're going to have to have a serious talk.

[Anonymous]

BFing does a job on your sex life. Babies and toddlers do too. I would suggest date nights and if you can swing it a night away from the kids at a local hotel. You need to keep the passion going.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BFing does a job on your sex life. Babies and toddlers do too. I would suggest date nights and if you can swing it a night away from the kids at a local hotel. You need to keep the passion going.

Good luck!

Not disagreeing - just adding: Date nights and nights away from the kids are good regardless of sex. But they won't do anything for your sex life if the hormones are out of whack, from breastfeeding or otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife got used to not having sex and stopped craving it. I've been there as a woman. BFing made it hard to view my body as sexual, particularly my breasts. I was NEVER in the mood naturally. Having sex is what got me into the mood (during the act).

This is why I believe breastfeeding beyond 24 months is insane, as is "co sleeping". These practices are pretty much deliberately sabotaging any hope of re-igniting passion with your spouse.

As toddlers nurse less hormones stabilize. We cosleep and my toddler still nurses, my sex drive is higher than in my early 20's, sex is better. We just use a different bed. Co-sleeping is more restful for the whole family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, thats not true. Most men would prefer a blow job over waiting indefinitely for their wives to feel horny naturally. OP needs to fake it until she makes it.

DH here, about five months into this kind of drought, and for the record: I would not prefer a service job or duty sex.

I would prefer it if my wife said "gee, I would have fun playing, but my vajayjay is out of action, so let me play with you", but only if she was into it. Otherwise it's kind of insulting/patronizing. My wife is totally NOT into it, and given that, I'm happier taking care of myself rather than extracting chore/duty sex out of her.

YOU are awesome and mature.

And actually, when the duty/obligation/demanding attitude is taken out of sex, it's a lot easier to think about one's own pleasure and thus get turned on and into sex. THIS is the attitude more men need to have.

If you guys only knew how many pity/mercy/take one the team fucks/blow jobs we throw you, your heads would spin.

+1. I'm the PP who suggested this earlier. I've definitely thought "let me go fuck his brains out" so that he passes out before my TV show comes on and I can have some peace.LOL!

And I'll bet that, on more than a few occasions, what started out as sex "for him" ended up being a good time for you too. A lot of times, plain old inertia gets in the way of sex, but once you get going, it's enjoyable.

Exactly! That was my original point. If I'd waited until I was aroused to have sex every time, I probably wouldn't have had sex for the first year. Sometimes you just have to go for it and then you get into it. It's hard sometimes to make the mental shift otherwise (from mommy to sexual being).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
....
To the guy who asked "how long do you wait?" I've kind of adjusted my expectations for a 2 year drought. If it goes longer, then we're going to have to have a serious talk.

What did you just say there? 2 years, no sex, because of a baby?
WTF kind of drugs are you on?
Couple weeks, maybe. Maybe.

But months? Or years? No sex? Due to a baby?!?!
NFW!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, thats not true. Most men would prefer a blow job over waiting indefinitely for their wives to feel horny naturally. OP needs to fake it until she makes it.

DH here, about five months into this kind of drought, and for the record: I would not prefer a service job or duty sex.

I would prefer it if my wife said "gee, I would have fun playing, but my vajayjay is out of action, so let me play with you", but only if she was into it. Otherwise it's kind of insulting/patronizing. My wife is totally NOT into it, and given that, I'm happier taking care of myself rather than extracting chore/duty sex out of her.

YOU are awesome and mature.

And actually, when the duty/obligation/demanding attitude is taken out of sex, it's a lot easier to think about one's own pleasure and thus get turned on and into sex. THIS is the attitude more men need to have.

I think most men don't want sex that's given out of a sense of obligation or duty. They want their wife to enthusiastically crave sex with them. Which is one reason why so many men want their wives to initiate the sex -- so they can know that their wife actively wants sex with them.

The problem comes (or at least did in my case) when, for an extended period, the wife shows limited or no interest in sex. First month after a baby - absolutely fine. Six months after the baby - not surprising. First year after the baby - frustrating, but o.k. Two years after the baby - umm. Three years?

When, exactly, should the guy pull the alarm bell? And how does he do it in a way that recognizes sex as an intrinsic part of marriage and a legitimate expectation on his part but doesn't come off as demanding?

How tired was your wife? If she worked and had a 3 year old she could be very tired. Maybe she was missing it too but without hot and cold running childcare and some time to herself she might not feel like it for a long time. It's not all about you.

She was tired. But when she stopped being tired -- e.g. kids were in school full time and she was only working from home about 15 hours per week -- the sex didn't come back. So, all that time I was waiting because she said she was tired was wasted time. In other words, she *was* tired, I'm sure. (I was too). It's just that the tiredness wasn't, as it turns out, the reason for the sexlessness.

Which is why I get a little frustrated with the advice I see guys getting to "just be patient." It's a roll of the dice as to whether the sex will ever come back to the marriage.

What was it about you that made your wife want to sleep with you in the first place? Now are you saying that she should be attracted because she isn't tired? There is a lot that goes into sexual attraction and I hope you are talking to her about it. Maybe it wasn't so great before You might have to speak to her directly many times about it. Figure it out !! You have a child together and have to stick it out. Don't be so passive. I am assuming she isn't having sex with someone else. Do you make her laugh?

[Anonymous]

STFU with your having to stick it out for the kids.
I am going thru similar situation, we have DD who's about 2yrs old.
Last week, I told my wife that not being horny long term is not going to work for me. So, I told her that I am going to get myself in excellent shape and if she doesn't get aroused someone else will

Guess what she initiated sex today, and enjoyed getting pounded.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, thats not true. Most men would prefer a blow job over waiting indefinitely for their wives to feel horny naturally. OP needs to fake it until she makes it.

DH here, about five months into this kind of drought, and for the record: I would not prefer a service job or duty sex.

I would prefer it if my wife said "gee, I would have fun playing, but my vajayjay is out of action, so let me play with you", but only if she was into it. Otherwise it's kind of insulting/patronizing. My wife is totally NOT into it, and given that, I'm happier taking care of myself rather than extracting chore/duty sex out of her.

YOU are awesome and mature.

And actually, when the duty/obligation/demanding attitude is taken out of sex, it's a lot easier to think about one's own pleasure and thus get turned on and into sex. THIS is the attitude more men need to have.

I think most men don't want sex that's given out of a sense of obligation or duty. They want their wife to enthusiastically crave sex with them. Which is one reason why so many men want their wives to initiate the sex -- so they can know that their wife actively wants sex with them.

The problem comes (or at least did in my case) when, for an extended period, the wife shows limited or no interest in sex. First month after a baby - absolutely fine. Six months after the baby - not surprising. First year after the baby - frustrating, but o.k. Two years after the baby - umm. Three years?

When, exactly, should the guy pull the alarm bell? And how does he do it in a way that recognizes sex as an intrinsic part of marriage and a legitimate expectation on his part but doesn't come off as demanding?

How tired was your wife? If she worked and had a 3 year old she could be very tired. Maybe she was missing it too but without hot and cold running childcare and some time to herself she might not feel like it for a long time. It's not all about you.

She was tired. But when she stopped being tired -- e.g. kids were in school full time and she was only working from home about 15 hours per week -- the sex didn't come back. So, all that time I was waiting because she said she was tired was wasted time. In other words, she *was* tired, I'm sure. (I was too). It's just that the tiredness wasn't, as it turns out, the reason for the sexlessness.

Which is why I get a little frustrated with the advice I see guys getting to "just be patient." It's a roll of the dice as to whether the sex will ever come back to the marriage.

What was it about you that made your wife want to sleep with you in the first place? Now are you saying that she should be attracted because she isn't tired? There is a lot that goes into sexual attraction and I hope you are talking to her about it. Maybe it wasn't so great before You might have to speak to her directly many times about it. Figure it out !! You have a child together and have to stick it out. Don't be so passive. I am assuming she isn't having sex with someone else. Do you make her laugh?