When one spouse wants to leave DC and one doesn't

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like there's some deeper unhappiness that is playing itself out in your desire to be closer to the family, especially given that they're not so far away, you can see them pretty much every month. My hunch (although I could be completely wrong) is that given what you've said about your DH's job, your DH's family, etc., is that you've gotten yourself into a life here that pretty much just trails behind your husband, and you haven't really made a life for yourself here. So you're imagining Richmond as a place where your family will become your life, and you won't really have to venture out for yourself. Do you have a social network here? Friends, hobbies, etc., outside your husband and children?

[Anonymous]

This is so common in this area. Two people meet, both from different areas. And before the guy enters marriage, he needs to be aware that at some point the woman will want to relocate back to where she is from to be closer to family. It just happens time and time again. So the guy really needs to be OK with the possibility of that before ever considering marriage. I feel like this should be mandatory as part of the marriage license application here.

It's so much easier when you meet someone from your hometown. There will never be that angst.

[Anonymous]

I think you give up some of your power when you allow your partner to be the primary breadwinner. If you can find a job that can support your family in Richmond, you've made a strong case for moving. I hope this doesn't come across as rude. I'm not the primary breadwinner, so this is something I've thought about as it pertains to my family.

[Anonymous]

OP your post has me wondering -- what is your life like in DC? Do you and your DH have friends, separate from his family? Do you have your own girlfriends? Are kids involved in activities and do you know their friends' parents?

I guess I'm wondering if you've fallen into a set up where your DH works 5-6 days a week and then whatever free time you guys have together is spent with his family that has moved to town? If that's the case, I could see how you would be feeling like -- you get your ideal job, your family etc. and while 2 hrs isn't a big deal, anything we want to do with my friends or fam is a "special occasion" that has to be planned a month in advance. I've seen this pattern happen and unless is spouse totally views the in laws as their own fam (or doesn't care), it does built up resentment. Just bc his family is local doesn't mean that your own nuclear family shouldn't have its own weekend plans. That's what will make DC feel like YOUR home, rather than Richmond which is your parents' home.

I have a friend who is dying to move back to Pa. with her DH (both from the same hometown so different issues that yours) and they've never considered DC their home despite living here for 10 yrs, buying a house and having 2 kids. As I've gotten to know them more, it's clear that a big part of the reason is that they work a lot and on maybe the 2 weekends a month they are not working, they pack up the car to head "home" to Pa and stay in her parents' house. They haven't cultivated any kind of social life in DC. In their case, they'll be forced to create a life here for a little while as their DD who is now in 1st grade likes going to Pa to visit grandma/grandpa/aunts/cousins etc. but is also wanting to play soccer, go to classmates' birthdays etc. which is forcing my friends to stick around DC on the weekends and genuinely decide whether they want to develop a life here or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I know all of this in my rational mind. It's just suddenly hitting me very hard that my parents are aging and I may never live locally to them again. Same with my sister who just had a baby. I am jealous my husband gets this with his family.

I am fine with my house/neighborhood. DH is a good father and husband, except that I don't see him budging in this. We try to make it down every 4-6 weeks. Can't see going more than that right now. My parents come up a decent amount as well.

I just feel...stuck.

It is what it is. Just enjoy what you have instead of what you wish you had.

My family is 600 miles away. I see my mother ever few months. I see my father 1-2 times a year and he is my best friend. But my child and his mother are here. I'm not going anywhere, I faced that fact a long time ago, so I make the best out of this area.

My family is a 4-5 hour drive and they are not in a financial situation to visit us often ( divorced, dad can't drive long distances by himself, my mom still works) while we see my husband's family every 4-6 weeks because we are about 2 1/2 hours away and they are able to drive here quite often. The funny thing is I always say as I am passing Richmond if only my parents lived 2 hours away it would be feasible to see them more often. Yes, it really sucked to think my parents would be "the other grandparents" if we didn't insist the kids call them Grandma First Name and Grandpa First Name for both set of grandparents. However, I choose to enjoy what I have rather than what I don't. I feel fortunate that my kids have developed a close relationship with my husband's parents and that I have great in-laws. Not only do I get along with them and they watch the kids occasionally so we can have a date night but they try to do things with the kids. I remember seeing my grandparents and sitting on the plastic on the couch in the sitting room or if I was lucky in the den being asked a few questions about school and then having to entertain myself without running around or making any noise or having any toys while the adults talked. I didn't actually go places with my grandparents and never spent time with just them to develop my own relationship with them. It is so different with my inlaws and my kids and I feel blessed that they have that.

The fact that you have a relatively happy marriage, seem to be financially secure with two houses (note the rental house can cushion retirement or help pay for college for the kids) and you are able to SAH, husband is happy in his job, and your kids get to grow up with family (aunts, uncles, grandparents maybe cousins) nearby that is your kids family by blood even though it is your family by marriage ...I'm saying DO NOT push moving. The upside is for you to be close to your family but the cost could be your marriage if your husband sacrifices his career and is unhappy there or it turns out your family becomes the 3rd wheel in your marriage if you are always with your parents, your kids lose being able to see and spend time with your husband's family, if you sold your house or houses then you may be priced out of coming back... I say this is someone with parents that moved to a lower cost of living location due to my mom pushing the issue. My dad was not able to get the equivalent job and hated the pace of life in a small southern town compared to a big north eastern city and in the midst of this my mom's dad passed away and that impacted her profoundly. It was tough for my dad on so many levels but being away from everyone and everything he knew when my mom went thru a hard time was very hard for him. Either see if your parents would move closer to you or focus on what you do have.

[Anonymous]

We moved out of NoVa 13 years ago. The move, for DH's job, took us 2500 miles away from family. It was suppose to be for 4-5 years - until our oldest (pregnant at the time of the move) started kindergarten. I've been ready to move back to the east coast for several years now, but DDs have made friends and DH could never make the money he does on the east coast.
I'm trying to enjoy what friends I have left (several have moved away, too) and make the most of it. I will move (at least seasonally) back to the east coast when DD#2 is in college which is 10 years from now. At this point I don't give one sh!t if DH moves with me or not. My life has revolved around him and his job for 20 years. Soon it will be mine time and he will just have to deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fredericksburg is a small city that got swallowed up by the greater DC exurbs. It has a separate media market, a college, a minor league baseball team, etc. Now Stafford County is naught but tract housing, trailer parks, and 1-3 acres spreads. Also entirely separate schools, government, etc.

Richmond is progressive but you have to pay for private at least for MS-HS levels. Henrico is purple leaning blue, Chesterfield is red, and Hanover is blood red that has legal liberal hunting in October.

17:11 PP here, Richmond is not progressive at all, except for the VCU students. If you are going by voting maps, it is way more complicated than that. It is still very racially, politically and socio economically segregated.

So it's a lot like DC in the late 1990s - you've got some old, conservative $$$ on the West End (and a few GOP precincts, no less), some progressive/young Whites in much of the city, and a lot of Blacks who are against gay rights. Not sure where the oppressive redness is coming from. 50% Black, 40% White, 10% other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so common in this area. Two people meet, both from different areas. And before the guy enters marriage, he needs to be aware that at some point the woman will want to relocate back to where she is from to be closer to family. It just happens time and time again. So the guy really needs to be OK with the possibility of that before ever considering marriage. I feel like this should be mandatory as part of the marriage license application here.

It's so much easier when you meet someone from your hometown. There will never be that angst.

I disagree with "never be that angst": My DH and I are from the same hometown and live here now. I really want to move back to our home area. I was able to keep my job with my company and WAH while he took a job in DC. Our parents are there... they're getting older. All of our siblings are there. I want to move back but my husband says he would consider it if he found the right job, but he doesn't appear to even be looking. His job is very specialized (academic medicine) so his options are limited, granted, but he could compromise a bit and he won't. My career could take off better if we were back where I was closer to the office, so I am anxious to go for both personal and professional reasons. I am stuck, too... so I am taking the long-term view: when my oldest has to switch schools (our ES is great but MS is not), which is in 4 years... we need to go back. I plan to start talking with him next year (sounds crazy but I think he needs a few YEARS to get used to the idea). Some men don't like change. I'm married to one of them, but you are entitled to express your feelings as well. Good luck!