When one spouse wants to leave DC and one doesn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're probably not going to win this one, OP. Just be glad your family is within driving distance. My hometown and family are 3,000 miles away and I'm in the same boat.

Agreed. Richmond is 2 hrs away at most. You could see your fam every weekend. I did living in Philly (DC is home).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're probably not going to win this one, OP. Just be glad your family is within driving distance. My hometown and family are 3,000 miles away and I'm in the same boat.

Agreed. Richmond is 2 hrs away at most. You could see your fam every weekend. I did living in Philly (DC is home).

OP here. This is what I feared. The problem is that I am developing increasing panic/anxiety over it. (I'm already in therapy.) I'm just trying to figure out if my goal is acceptance or to change DH's mind. Both seem impossible right now.

And frankly I'd be happy to get a job right now if that would help, but I don't see how it would.

[Anonymous]

the good news is that both DH and I are sick of DC.
the bad news is that we both have federal, specialized "DC" jobs and its going to be very, very tough to relocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're probably not going to win this one, OP. Just be glad your family is within driving distance. My hometown and family are 3,000 miles away and I'm in the same boat.

Agreed. Richmond is 2 hrs away at most. You could see your fam every weekend. I did living in Philly (DC is home).

OP here. This is what I feared. The problem is that I am developing increasing panic/anxiety over it. (I'm already in therapy.) I'm just trying to figure out if my goal is acceptance or to change DH's mind. Both seem impossible right now.

And frankly I'd be happy to get a job right now if that would help, but I don't see how it would.

Just to clarify: You're developing anxiety and even panic over staying here and not moving to Richmond?

[Anonymous]

Not OP, but I have also developed panic and anxiety problems over staying here--similar situation, which is why I clicked on the thread. I'm also in therapy as well. Not everyone is suited for a crowded urban metro area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how about a compromise and move down toward Fredericksburg? It's almost 1/2 way to Richmond. DH can take the train (vre) into DC and you'll be less than an hour from Richmond.

Would this work for you, OP? It sounds like a possibility.

[Anonymous]

I would not move to Fredericksburg. The commute for your husband would be hell, and it's not a cool city like Richmond. In my experience, it's an exurb for people who want big cookie-cutter mcmansions but can't afford them here so they take on giant commutes. Ugh. VRE is a cool alternative to driving, but it doesn't go everywhere, it breaks down too, and he'd be away from the house for a long time every day.

[Anonymous]

Does DH understand what's going on with your mental health?

Would he be willing to look for jobs? That's what I'd want from him, to at least look, talk to any connections in Richmond. I feel like him saying "wait until the perfect job comes along" is just punting instead of having a real conversation, and I would call him out on that.

[Anonymous]

DH and I both work WOH. We had one kid at the time and we were flailing. His job involved a lot of travel - he was home only on weekends. I have more stable hours so I did daycare dropoff/pickup every day. I took every single sick day.

I basically told him that I couldn't continue the way we were going - and I meant it. I couldn't support his job with everything else on my back, and the possibility of future kids was out of the question if we didn't move. We moved.

It's not perfect, he doesn't absolutely love it here, but it's allowed both of us to keep working at jobs we love, and for us to have another child. If he doesn't get a job at least as good in terms of enjoyment/pay that he has here he will be resentful and it won't be good for your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Try not to dig your heels in OP. It will ruin your marriage. Try to like it here. Like others have said Richmond is only a two hour drive or train ride away. You can go every weekend. I would have loved that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try not to dig your heels in OP. It will ruin your marriage. Try to like it here. Like others have said Richmond is only a two hour drive or train ride away. You can go every weekend. I would have loved that.

True that Richmond is close enough to visit regularly (although the 2 hour drive can easily become a 3+ hour drive depending on how hellish 95 traffic is). But OP probably wants to move for the lifestyle, which is very, very, very different from DC's.

OP, I lived in Richmond when my kids were 0-4. What a great place to raise a family. Why

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't think my husband would go for Fredericksburg - no better jobs than Richmond. He is kind of a "job snob" and he doesn't feel like the jobs in Richmond compare at all.

My point is we could sell our 2 homes here (one is a rental) and take $300k in equity with us. I've found nice homes for $450k near my family, so our mortgage would only be for $150k. Our mortgage now is $480k!! He could take a signficiant pay cut and we'd still come out ahead, but for him it is about job stability and job growth which he doesn't see happening in Richmond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think my husband would go for Fredericksburg - no better jobs than Richmond. He is kind of a "job snob" and he doesn't feel like the jobs in Richmond compare at all.

My point is we could sell our 2 homes here (one is a rental) and take $300k in equity with us. I've found nice homes for $450k near my family, so our mortgage would only be for $150k. Our mortgage now is $480k!! He could take a signficiant pay cut and we'd still come out ahead, but for him it is about job stability and job growth which he doesn't see happening in Richmond.

If you aren't working and supporting the family, it is hard to tell your husband he should leave his job. And using the anxiety excuse is pretty lame.

Sit down, talk to him, and deal with whatever is best for your family....not just you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am also a stay at home mom so I am going to say this as gently as I know how. Your husband is happy with his job. So long as he is doing well at work and being a good husband and father, that is all you can ask. Now for you. There are a lot of living options in the d.c. area. You have a right to live in a situation that you like. If you want some land, you can easily get it. If you want city living, you can have it. If you want the suburbs, you can have it. You own two homes so aren't hurting for money. If cost is an issue, sell one of your homes and use the money to do what you want. Sell both homes and buy one that you really can be happy in. Richmond is easy to get to and I say this as a woman who cannot drive due to a disability. If you want to see your family and they want to see you, that's easy to manage. If they aren't willing to pick you up at a train sometimes, or drive you back, and your husband isn't willing to do likewise, living in Richmond will suck and will suck bad. I say this on the off chance that you also can't drive. My point is that you have a lot of options in the D.C. area. It isn't "Richmond or nothing". Now if your husband is unwilling to discuss a move within the d.c. area, or he is an absentee father and husband (they are different skill sets) or he comes home from work "stressed" or "tired" (all code words for taking out his bad mood on the family) then you do have other issues. Richmond will not fix them. As an aside and a compromise, you guys may like Frederick MD. It's got lots of family friendly stuff, even a minor league ballpark just like Richmond. It has universities, just like Richmond. It has a nice downtown and nice suburbs, just like Richmond. All it doesn't have is your family. And, if your family matters *that* much to you, you need to think about why. What is wrong in your marriage or with your family that a two hour drive is just too far away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how about a compromise and move down toward Fredericksburg? It's almost 1/2 way to Richmond. DH can take the train (vre) into DC and you'll be less than an hour from Richmond.

If Fredericksburg is the answer, please don't ask the question.