When one spouse wants to leave DC and one doesn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am also a stay at home mom so I am going to say this as gently as I know how. Your husband is happy with his job. So long as he is doing well at work and being a good husband and father, that is all you can ask. Now for you. There are a lot of living options in the d.c. area. You have a right to live in a situation that you like. If you want some land, you can easily get it. If you want city living, you can have it. If you want the suburbs, you can have it. You own two homes so aren't hurting for money. If cost is an issue, sell one of your homes and use the money to do what you want. Sell both homes and buy one that you really can be happy in. Richmond is easy to get to and I say this as a woman who cannot drive due to a disability. If you want to see your family and they want to see you, that's easy to manage. If they aren't willing to pick you up at a train sometimes, or drive you back, and your husband isn't willing to do likewise, living in Richmond will suck and will suck bad. I say this on the off chance that you also can't drive. My point is that you have a lot of options in the D.C. area. It isn't "Richmond or nothing". Now if your husband is unwilling to discuss a move within the d.c. area, or he is an absentee father and husband (they are different skill sets) or he comes home from work "stressed" or "tired" (all code words for taking out his bad mood on the family) then you do have other issues. Richmond will not fix them. As an aside and a compromise, you guys may like Frederick MD. It's got lots of family friendly stuff, even a minor league ballpark just like Richmond. It has universities, just like Richmond. It has a nice downtown and nice suburbs, just like Richmond. All it doesn't have is your family. And, if your family matters *that* much to you, you need to think about why. What is wrong in your marriage or with your family that a two hour drive is just too far away.

I think that is a pretty important point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try not to dig your heels in OP. It will ruin your marriage. Try to like it here. Like others have said Richmond is only a two hour drive or train ride away. You can go every weekend. I would have loved that.

Only if you have no life here whatsoever. That's an absurd statement.

What OP wants likely isn't accomplishable from two hours away--more the kind of flexible, part of normal life interaction you can have when someone lives 10-15 minutes away.

[Anonymous]

OP again, I know all of this in my rational mind. It's just suddenly hitting me very hard that my parents are aging and I may never live locally to them again. Same with my sister who just had a baby. I am jealous my husband gets this with his family.

I am fine with my house/neighborhood. DH is a good father and husband, except that I don't see him budging in this. We try to make it down every 4-6 weeks. Can't see going more than that right now. My parents come up a decent amount as well.

I just feel...stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I know all of this in my rational mind. It's just suddenly hitting me very hard that my parents are aging and I may never live locally to them again. Same with my sister who just had a baby. I am jealous my husband gets this with his family.

I am fine with my house/neighborhood. DH is a good father and husband, except that I don't see him budging in this. We try to make it down every 4-6 weeks. Can't see going more than that right now. My parents come up a decent amount as well.

I just feel...stuck.

It is what it is. Just enjoy what you have instead of what you wish you had.

My family is 600 miles away. I see my mother ever few months. I see my father 1-2 times a year and he is my best friend. But my child and his mother are here. I'm not going anywhere, I faced that fact a long time ago, so I make the best out of this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I know all of this in my rational mind. It's just suddenly hitting me very hard that my parents are aging and I may never live locally to them again. Same with my sister who just had a baby. I am jealous my husband gets this with his family.

I am fine with my house/neighborhood. DH is a good father and husband, except that I don't see him budging in this. We try to make it down every 4-6 weeks. Can't see going more than that right now. My parents come up a decent amount as well.

I just feel...stuck.

RVA native here, and my entire family is still there. I've been in NOVA now for 15+ years. I always thought when we moved up here for work we would eventually move back when we had kids. TONS of my childhood friends with whom I keep in touch have moved back, are raising families, living in the west end, sending their kids to our old school, going to the club, carrying on the same traditions I had as a child. So I can understand the fantasy of how nice it would be to be back there, living that dream with them. DH said he would be fine moving back there but his speciality isn't in RVA and he would never be able to find a job, and he's right. He would have to start over in his career. If I pushed him enough, I am sure he would agree to do it.

BUT then I go back for a weekend and visit, and realize I have outgrown the city. I am not the same person, but unfortunately it is still the same town in all ways. I was just there 2 weeks ago. Richmond is still the land of the uber conservatives. Sure, VCU has exploded and there are tons of bearded hipsters and tattoos in Carytown/Museum/District/the Fan (take your pick, seriously, it's like the tattoo capital, google it). However, the politics are still the same, very conservative (their rep in Congress is now a RMC prof tea partier), many feel that McDonnell shouldn't have gotten jail time, the area is NOT diverse at all, and your dollar won't go as far as you think. If you are a republican, and that's cool if you are, and have what FoxNews labels as "traditional" values, like to hunt, shop at J McLaughlin, are excited for Lily at Target coming out this Spring, then you might really like it. But it hasn't changed at all as far as the social structure and it kind of bums me out. I had romanticized how wonderful it would be for my kids to go to my old school, my old church, live down the street from my old best friend and her kids, but often the reality is much different.

DON'T move Fredericksburg, just no. If you are really from Richmond, you'll understand why.

Sugar Shack is opening in Alexandria soon, so you can always go there to get a taste of Richmond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how about a compromise and move down toward Fredericksburg? It's almost 1/2 way to Richmond. DH can take the train (vre) into DC and you'll be less than an hour from Richmond.

If Fredericksburg is the answer, please don't ask the question.

LOL. I asked because I've never even been to Fredericksburg. It sounds horrible, by the responses! Forget my idea, OP.

Hey OP, you have two houses in Nova. Sell one and get a little place in Richmond to be your second home. That way, you can take the kids down there and hang out for a week or two here and there whenever you feel like it, with a feeling of home and without having to be house guests.

[Anonymous]

OP, just get a job that pays as much or more than DH job, only in RVA. I'm sure he would jump at a chance to make you happy and spend some quality time with kids as a SAHD. Win win all around.

[Anonymous]

NP who also grew up in Richmond. Thanks 17:11 for describing exactly how I feel! Part of me would love to go back to Richmond but the other part of me realizes my life is D.C

[Anonymous]

My guess is that you are exhausted by having two little kids. The move to Richmond is what you have chosen to focus your energy on. It is not the real issue. The real issue is that you are bored and unhappy with life at the moment. This is a VERY common feeling when you are sleep deprived from work, family and toddler commitments.

Focus on find time for yourself. Make friends that do things that YOU like instead of friends who are parents of your kid's friends. Find a hobby. Get out of the damn house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You stay in DC. Why? Because you DO NOT HAVE A JOB. You rely entirely upon DH's salary.

Saying that you "plan" to get a job is entirely different than risking DH's career so that you might get a job.

I have to agree.

[Anonymous]

Fredericksburg is a small city that got swallowed up by the greater DC exurbs. It has a separate media market, a college, a minor league baseball team, etc. Now Stafford County is naught but tract housing, trailer parks, and 1-3 acres spreads. Also entirely separate schools, government, etc.

Richmond is progressive but you have to pay for private at least for MS-HS levels. Henrico is purple leaning blue, Chesterfield is red, and Hanover is blood red that has legal liberal hunting in October.

[Anonymous]

OP the job market in DC compared to Richmond -- just not the same at all. I am not sure what WOH stands for but it sounds like govt. How will he find that in Richmond?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fredericksburg is a small city that got swallowed up by the greater DC exurbs. It has a separate media market, a college, a minor league baseball team, etc. Now Stafford County is naught but tract housing, trailer parks, and 1-3 acres spreads. Also entirely separate schools, government, etc.

Richmond is progressive but you have to pay for private at least for MS-HS levels. Henrico is purple leaning blue, Chesterfield is red, and Hanover is blood red that has legal liberal hunting in October.

17:11 PP here, Richmond is not progressive at all, except for the VCU students. If you are going by voting maps, it is way more complicated than that. It is still very racially, politically and socio economically segregated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am also a stay at home mom so I am going to say this as gently as I know how. Your husband is happy with his job. So long as he is doing well at work and being a good husband and father, that is all you can ask. Now for you. There are a lot of living options in the d.c. area. You have a right to live in a situation that you like. If you want some land, you can easily get it. If you want city living, you can have it. If you want the suburbs, you can have it. You own two homes so aren't hurting for money. If cost is an issue, sell one of your homes and use the money to do what you want. Sell both homes and buy one that you really can be happy in. Richmond is easy to get to and I say this as a woman who cannot drive due to a disability. If you want to see your family and they want to see you, that's easy to manage. If they aren't willing to pick you up at a train sometimes, or drive you back, and your husband isn't willing to do likewise, living in Richmond will suck and will suck bad. I say this on the off chance that you also can't drive. My point is that you have a lot of options in the D.C. area. It isn't "Richmond or nothing". Now if your husband is unwilling to discuss a move within the d.c. area, or he is an absentee father and husband (they are different skill sets) or he comes home from work "stressed" or "tired" (all code words for taking out his bad mood on the family) then you do have other issues. Richmond will not fix them. As an aside and a compromise, you guys may like Frederick MD. It's got lots of family friendly stuff, even a minor league ballpark just like Richmond. It has universities, just like Richmond. It has a nice downtown and nice suburbs, just like Richmond. All it doesn't have is your family. And, if your family matters *that* much to you, you need to think about why. What is wrong in your marriage or with your family that a two hour drive is just too far away.

+1 from a SAHM. OP, I was in your exact same situation on the west coast (with LA being the big city; my hometown 2 hours away). I kept going home on the weekends, and developed no roots in the town inside LA where I lived. My DH had to be in a big city due to the nature of his job. He could have maybe gone but it would have been a dramatic departure from his career path and I don't think he'd be happy.

I didn't see how old your kids were, but once my kids got into school, I realized I had to stop pining, and develop roots in that LA town. It's easier when the kids are in school because you've got that built-in social entree. And I resigned myself to it, and ended up with a nice community. It's been 12 years now since I "gave up" and it was better for me and my DH. (as an aside, we are currently in DC but just briefly)

I was just in my hometown visiting family over the holidays, and I will tell you, it will always sting a little. I am not the covetous type, but I do feel that unfulfilled yearning and frustration every time I'm there. I wrote a post a couple weeks ago about how I was in my hometown for Christmas Eve mass and how I imagined what it would have been like if my kids had gone to school there, and how their lives would be.

But our lives are not over and funny, after I've given up on it all, within the last couple of weeks we realized an unusual avenue that may open the door to us for living there in a few years. So the irony of it all is now that I've got all these LA roots, I'm not sure I'd pull them up. I've muddled my way into some great friendships. Which is saying something about how, if you put your mind to it, you can get to like where you are. But you have to give up on the idea of moving back to your hometown (in the short term) in order to put those roots down.

If your DH would be unhappy in your home town, then I think you've got to let it drop. You don't want to end up surrounded by your extended family but with a miserable DH. Yes they would be supportive in any resulting divorce but let's avoid all that! Just keep your eyes on the prize and that is to set your family up to succeed!

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'm confused about his family. Do you both not get along with them? Beyond his job being here, it sounds like half of your family is here too?

I would talk to him and make sure he understands your anxiety, but I also agree with PPs that you may just be fixating on the move when there are really a bunch of other issues (including not being near your family).