Reply to I love my son, but.............

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "I love my son, but............."

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am so confused. Most college student that come home go grocery shopping and replace the food they ate?[/quote]

No. Not in my world. [/quote]

I absolutely did.  I was 21 years old - an adult.  I didn't replace the food I ate at meals where we ate together, but if I finished my parents' box of Cheerios and gallon of milk, you bet your bippy I went shopping and bought them groceries while I was there.  [b]That's just common decency of a houseguest.[/b]

OP, I totally understand why you were upset, and I think you realize that you created this monster.  It would be both unkind and unhelpful to simply tell him he can't come back.  You're his mom and it's your job to teach him how to act.  You have taught him until now that it's fine for him to treat you as a doormat and wipe his feet on you.  Teach him differently now.

"Son, you treated me and my home very badly over Thanksgiving.  I should have let you know immediately what was bothering me and that was a mistake, so I'm going to make sure you understand what I expect if you choose to come to my house over Christmas:

* You are my guest, not your friends.  If you would like to invite friends over, please ask first.  I know for sure that I don't want people at my house every night, but one or two nights might be okay.  Please ask beforehand.
* If your friends are over, please be sure you clean up after yourselves.  If you want to feed them, please buy your own party food.
* Like any good houseguest, you should chip in with chores and groceries while you are here.
* After the way you treated my car last time, please do not expect to be able to use it on this trip.

A 22 year old should be contributing to his own support, so there is no reason why he can't buy you some groceries or pay for gas if you let him borrow your car.

Good luck.  Get a backbone.  You still have some work to do raising this one, even though he should already be an adult.[/quote]

While I've bought plenty of items we were out of in the house starting even earlier than that- I think it's entirely reasonable that some people have a different view of this situation in that they don't see 21 year olds home from college as "house guests". Not right or wrong, but some people are more formal about family and relationships and other's aren't. If my MIL came and used up the end of the butter or something, I don't expect her to replace it with a trip to the store or even offer to buy it when we go- she does though- that's just not how I see things, but she does. One isn't wrong, IMO, just different.

Also, I went to a selective university (top 20-30) that almost all students living on campus all 4 years. Its not unheard of. Without a car, it would have been lonely and creepy to be there over break and possibly not even allowed. They shut power down to some buildings at most universities (I work at one now)[/quote]

I should add that even though I don't see them as houseguests I firmly believe in cleaning up after each oneself and friends and also being respectful of everyone in the house regarding noise and times of coming and going. Much like you would if you lived there full time[/quote]

Cheerio-buyer here.  You're right - and I appreciate the line people are drawing between family guests and houseguests, but in both cases, if I were staying with a friend or staying with family, I would offer to chip in for groceries or take them out for a meal.  If it were a friend, I would offer to help clean up after meals.  If it were family, I would just clean up along with family.  So I guess what I am thinking is that OP has raised a disrespectful son, whether she considers him a family guest or a houseguest.  By 12, much less 22, a person should know that you clean up after yourself.  A person should know that you chip in with chores.  A person should know that you clean up after friends if you have a friend over.

I sensed that the true "dread" this mom feels is the dread of having her disrespectful son come home and then having this happen again - which would only happen because she is reluctant to tell him "no".  It's her own behavior that she needs to focus on changing.  She needs to set clear expectations and maybe also let him know that she is sorry that she did not teach him how to be a respectful person until now, but she is at least going to try now.

My parents were pretty neglectful and there are some really basic things they failed to teach us.  I stayed with my aunt as a teenager and she was pretty shocked that I didn't know things like when you cut your toenails in the bathroom, you should immediately pick them up and throw them in the wastepaper basket.  It's crazy, I know, but my parents were hoarders and a toenail is the last thing we'd notice on the floor.   My parents never taught me that stuff, or things like you make your bed as soon as you get out of it, and when you leave a house you have been staying in, you strip the bed of the bedding before you leave.  Some people just don't know how to be good guests.  In my case, i was lucky I had some aunts and uncles who helped teach me (though my parents taught me basic courtesy, just not the housekeeping kind of stuff).  In this case, the mom has expectations but has never taught them to her son.  She should at least try now.  [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics