Moving to DC from CA for Love

[Anonymous]

Some of these stories are encouraging, and rather inspiring. And to the poster who moved from Europe out to DC -- what a huge leap of faith. I'm happy everything worked out the best for you.

I think I'm going to take the plunge. I know, I know... it's crazy with no job lined up and who knows what will happen in the future, but I know if I don't do it, I'll always regret it. I just love this guy. I can always come back if things don't work out. I just have a gut feeling that this guy is "the one." And I've thought about it for weeks, pondered everything from the weather, the people, being unemployed for a while, having to live a more frugal lifestyle for a while, weathering some storms, and speed bumps along the way as we adjust to a whole new life, but when it comes down to it, the positives seem to outweigh all that.

About waiting it out till I found a job there - I think it would be a little difficult to job search when I'm in another state. It would also be easier to move all our stuff together and get acclimated together. Now I just have to break the news to my family. Much more stressful than the move itself.

Thanks everyone!

[Anonymous]

Love is not real, its just alcohol, money and chocolate

[Anonymous]

Would he move for you if the situation were reversed? Did he ever consider not moving because of you?
If you want the adventure and would like to move somewhere new anyway go for it, just don't 'give up' something for love that they also wouldn't be willing to do for you.

[Anonymous]

I would have a very real conversation on the future and marriage, if that is what you both want, as it sounds like it is. I would suggest you discuss what a timeline might look like to make sure you are on the same page. Otherwise, you may wind up across the country with no job, family or friends waiting for a ring that may not come when you want or expect it...or ever.

An ex and I were very much in your shoes - we had been dating for 15 months, were in love, and talked about getting engaged and married all the time. He was transferred several states away for work and asked me to move with him. When I pressed him that I had a lot to give up (same as you - work, family, friends, home) and wanted to set a plan for the future we always talked about, he balked. He was someone who enjoyed talking about the future and all that could happen, but wasn't ready or interested in taking that step. He did want me with him so he didn't have to be alone himself in a new city and new workplace with no family or friends around.

[Anonymous]

In my eyes, 14 months is not very long. But if it is enough time for you to know that this is the right step for you, then go for it, but keep a Plan B in your pocket.

I second what others have posted to make sure there are other factors in you moving besides doing it just for him. If your thinking is "I'm going to move to DC and am so excited to live in a new city, meet new friends, find a better job, and get to see my bf" then go for it. But if you are looking at the situation more as "I'm going to move to DC for my bf and I will figure out my career, finding friends, and learning whether I even like living on east coast later on" then I think you are probably in for a world of hurt. He is moving for his job, that is his motivating factor. You are moving for him, and putting your job second (or later). That's cool and all, but on some level he is your #1 and you are at least #2 to his work.

[Anonymous]

OP, move for love, not for marriage. Dont risk losing the one you love by forcing someone else's time table for marriage yet. Let things happen naturally. That is the best thing. You know your man better than any of us - dont scare him away or try to hang it over his head that you are doing something and now he must do something for you. Love doesn't work that way! It will happen, if it is meant to. If not, enjoy the ride!

I think you are making the right decision, just get a job lined up ASAP when you get here and begin building a network for YOU separate from him where you can also.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Oh, and dont worry about family, they will always be there, even if they disapprove for a while, they will get over it.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand OP why you feel the need to move right away when he moves? Why can't you take time to network and line up a job you like, visit the area, try to find some friends and give your relationship more time to mature before joining him if that is what you want to do?

[Anonymous]

I did this exact move at your age, SD to DC, but my bf and I had been together for 4 years. Before I agreed to move with him, he asked my father for my hand in marriage. There is no way I would have agreed to move without knowing that marriage was in our near future. It took me 6 months to find a job and we became officially engaged soon after. We have been in DC for over 5 years. We both have very demanding careers and only get to visit SD once a year. Every single time we visit we ask ourselves why we are still in DC. The truth is, this is the best place for us, for our careers, but we would sure love to be able to go back one day.

[Anonymous]

I'm feeling so stressed out right now. Moving cross country is overwhelmingly hard and expensive. It hasn't even happened yet and I'm already having a mini-breakdown.

I'm not expecting a ring, although that would be nice. I'm really not expecting anything - I think of it as if we are taking the next step in our relationship, but in a totally different city. Im open to the possibility that it might not even work out, that I might even hate it there, that it will suck for the first few months. Yet, I still want to do it in spite of all that.
I told my family over the holidays and got a little tearful breaking the news. Both of our families want us to get married, but we both agree that we want to live together first, test the waters. I guess it does seem a lot to give up, but there's also a lot to gain. I've been complacent, and a little bored where I am. Maybe this is the change I need.
But at the same time, I'm really afraid. Not of moving in with him or going the next step in our relationship, but scared for me. At the end of the day, what matters most is not if we end up getting married, it's whether I'll be happy with my decision.

[Anonymous]

A little word of warning: get a job and friends as soon as possible. I moved for love and found myself being needy because I didn't know anyone else within 500 miles. That set a bad tone for the relationship.

[Anonymous]

I'm in favor of you doing this in large part because DC is such an interesting and different city, and the people are of a different mix.

Now I will warn you; I'm a Santa Barbara girl with family there, and I've never been able to get back there to live. I went to New England to law school, met a Virginian there, and we were in LA for years--just couldn't get back to SB. Now we're in DC (living in VA, of course).

However SD is much bigger than SB, and also you are a native (in my experience, SD prospective employers tend to favor natives because they don't like doling out jobs to people who are just trying out the weather) so sounds like you'll be able to get back if after your adventure, the relationship doesn't go your way. The harder part is if the relationship DOES go your way, because SD is definitely a place that could induce long term homesickness!

Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would he move for you if the situation were reversed? Did he ever consider not moving because of you?
If you want the adventure and would like to move somewhere new anyway go for it, just don't 'give up' something for love that they also wouldn't be willing to do for you.

I wondered this, too. It doesn't sound like he factored you into his decision to move, but instead decided to move and then asked if you wanted to come along. How does that make you feel? If you had said you didn't want to move, would he have reconsidered his decision to leave?

Good luck (and welcome to DC). Keep us posted as you go along!

[Anonymous]

I moved when I was 20 from DC to San Jose and went to community college to chase a guy. 17 years and 2 kids later I'm back in DC still happily married. I finished my degree and it all worked out.

I'm so glad that I was young and threw caution to the wind. I feel so lucky that I had kids early in life and am not one of those advanced maternal aged mothers who over thinks every single step in life.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have heard some good "go for it" advice and some cautionary tales, too. Now it is up to you to go with your gut and be smart about establishing something, anything for yourself once you're in DC other than hanging out with your BF.