Moving to DC from CA for Love
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I'm the OP of this thread. We moved out here a little over a month ago. I remember how easy and wonderful things were before this move. Since, things have been very tough. I'm actually sitting here crying as I think about everything that's happened in the past month. Both of us suffering losses of a different kind -- was in a bad car accident, his grandfather passed away, I m feeling isolated, and we both can't seem to cope with the weather. I didn't realize how real seasonal depression is.
I just started a new job, but the salary isn't near what I made at my previous job in SD. My boyfriend works long hours, sometimes 16 hour days and when he comes home, he is exhausted and goes straight to bed. I was beginning to experience a deep depression, being cooped up in the house, not knowing anyone, and braving my first snowy winter. One of the other reasons I took on this job was for the interaction. It's helping a little but I can't help but feel unfulfilled from it. Part of me wonders why the hell I'm even here -- my previous job in SD offered me a promotion if I chose to stay, but at the time I was so adamant about coming out here to be with this man. Since the move, things between us have been rough and I feel like we are growing distant, instead of growing closer together. Everyone thinks I should be happy and excited but I'm not. I miss my family and my friends. And the man I moved out here to be with is constantly missing in action. He comes home and goes straight to his office, sometimes if it's incredibly stressful at work, He's snappy and short with me. It's so surprising because he's never said a mean thing to me before. I'm hoping this is just a rough patch till we acclimate with our new surroundings as well as living together for the first time. Sorry if this came off more as a vent. I'm just starting to question my decision and feeling slightly resentful. I don't want to feel this way. |
Anonymous
Other than the car accident and passing of his grandfather, what part of all of this is surprising to you? Because it seems like everything you're upset about, someone told you would happen. |
Anonymous
| Big hugs, op. Moving is rough under any circumstances. It's all very new. Give yourself (and him!) time to adjust. Ignore pp - dcum isn't always a supportive place and there are some people here who enjoy kicking others when they are down. Winter will be over soon, and the brighter days may help lift your mood. Big hugs! |
Anonymous
|
Oh OP, I feel for you. My sister went through the same thing. Followed a dude to DC for his grad school but within 2 weeks of moving, he broke up with her. Took her a long time to get back, but she made it and now is married and has a 3 year old daughter. And she would've never had met her husband if she had not moved to DC.
That said, trust your gut on this. Spring is right around the corner and that should help with things. Maybe not between you two, but with just the general mood. Believe me, I hibernate in winter big time. I can't wait until spring! I say, give it some more time but know that you can always always always make a change if need be, whether its moving back or staying in DC and moving on. It is hard as hell to make friends in DC for sure, that part stinks. Hopefully you will meet nice people at your new work...... Good luck! |
Anonymous
| You're not going to improve upon the present by continually comparing it to the past OP that much is certain. Yes "what was" was great it was dreamy it was comfortable it was congruous it was perfect it was promising etc. etc. - but that's not now. Now is "what is" and that's what you have to deal with and make adjustments to and make decisions about - "what is". |
Anonymous
|
OP, I moved here 12 years ago to be with a guy I hadn't even dated long. I also moved from CA, though I was straight out of grad school so I didn't have a good job to hold me--I did have ALL my friends and family still in CA, though.
Those first few months were really tough. I was unemployed, living with BF, feeling like a foreigner. (DC people seemed SO different.) We had at least one awful fight. Eventually, though, I got a job, made friends through that job, and BF proposed. I was kind of shocked--I felt like he couldn't possibly be that sure about me. Long story short, we married and have the happiest marriage I know of. I knew through it all that we were incredibly well matched. And, as it turns out, we've made three really beautiful, amazing kids together. Just a little reassurance that it might not be the disaster it feels like right now. What really helped was TALKING about it. Insist that he talk to you. |
Anonymous
|
OP, winter in DC is tough and we are having one of our worst ever.
But, spring here is wonderful and you will be able to get out and see the Cherry Blossoms and how great this place can be. Where are you living? Maybe people can suggest activities for you to get out and make some friends. |
Anonymous
|
I'm happily married to a guy I moved to DC with. I went though everything you're going through now, and 10 years later, I STILL have days where I feel like you do. We eventually left DC but were unable to get back to the city we met in and where I loved living.
I wish I had some advice. Part of me wants to tell you to just go back. DC kind of sucks for some people, and the weather in the winter is terrible. It also turns a lot of people into workaholics. I also think moving for someone can create a funky dynamic. I sometimes wish I had let DH (then my boyfriend) go ahead of me, and come out there to visit a few times before making the ultimate decision to move. The separation might have put things more in perspective. |
Anonymous
|
If you still feel this way by mid summer, then move back home. In the meantime, try to find things that make you happy. Your bf's job sounds untenable in the long term. Is he in biglaw? What profession demands 16 hr/days? whatever the job, you and he need to seriously assess the viability of his work life, not just for the sake of your relationship, but if you do want to have kids, you do not want an MIA partner.
I think you need to have some plans: how will you and he find better jobs or a better commute? what can you do to make your life here more connected? what time limits will you give yourself to make it work? ANy chance he might move back to california with you? |
Anonymous
| Sorry, OP. I echo the others, give it some time. Change is hard, even if it's good change. |
Anonymous
| DC is so awful, especially when compared to a place like San Diego. I would be really depressed too, totally being honest. Where you live is such a big day-to-day impact - I'd give it maybe 6 more months and then I'd cut back to CA if you're still unhappy. |
Anonymous
Sounds like you've already made your decision. Move, because otherwise you'll regret not trying. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I moved here from SD for love. I didn't have a job lined up, so you should try to see the bright side--at least you have one! Consider joining the California State Society, http://www.californiastatesociety.com/. Dues are very cheap, and a lot of members are in your age group. It's a casual, friendly membership organization that could prove helpful for networking opportunities.
DC can be very gloomy during the thick of winter. In a month and a half, it's going to look and feel like a different city. Invite some friends or family to visit in May-June when the weather is lovely. It may cheer you up to have something to look forward to. You can't see it now, but residents will become much more active in a couple months. We don't have perfect SD weather, but when the weather is decent here, people are out in force and take advantage to be outside. As you now know, DC is wildly different from SoCal, but it also has it's positives, and you may see that after a little more time. In the meantime, try visiting a free museum this weekend, and then go have a cocktail at the Tabard Inn in Dupont or some other cozy place with a fireplace. As an armchair therapist (!), I think the big issue is your relationship with your BF. If I were you, I would sit down and talk to him about how your relationship has evolved and brainstorm how you could make it better. If you can't talk to each other about it, then you have no business marrying each other in the future. Life is messy and hard at times, and when you're married, you have to weather those hard times together. It's understandable that he may be on a learning curve at work right now, hence, the long days. Is his intense schedule likely to change? Maybe he wasn't expecting this kind of lifestyle either, and he just isn't mature enough to admit his disappointment, guilt, whatever. Regardless, I recommend that you start addressing the issues. Welcome and good luck! |
Anonymous
|
Don't do it.
I was in your exact situation 7 years ago. My BF got a great job in DC; I was living in San Diego. We'd been dating for 3 ish years. I was 31. He asked me to move with him and I said I wouldn't leave my friends and family for a boyfriend - I would visit him and try to navigate some kind of long distance relationship. He busted out a ring about 2 months later and I did yes. I wasn't holding out for a ring. I earnestly meant I would try to maintain a LD relationship but I would not leave my home and family. FF to now +1 kid. As a SD native, I fucking hate DC. The weather is miserable, the job market is tight (although I scored an excellent job with the govt) houses are stupidly over-priced, school districts suck and entertainment is absurdly expensive. Then there are the people. Stick around Dcum and read the housing and school forums. People here are hyper competitive and elitist. Many will cry - "not all, just some!" My observation is that it's most. Stay where you are - maybe his job won't work out, maybe he'll hate it, maybe he'll hate dc, maybe he'll miss sd. It will be so much easier for him to come back if you don't also have to quit your job and find a new one! If we had it to do over again, we'd never have come here. Sure, we have plenty of friends, live in a nice neighborhood, even have good commutes and we do try to make the most of it but this will never be home for a SoCal native. And there is just no replacement for having family nearby when/if you have children. |
Anonymous
+1,000,000...... |