Moving to DC from CA for Love

[Anonymous]

PP - sorry, I didn't see your update before I posted my long reply about not moving here.
Ok, moving on.
I think it's a really, really bad sign that you are both this unhappy 1 month in. We were deliriously in love with each other and I didn't even notice the first several winters bc we were so, so in love. We rented this shitty house that had zero insulation. The wind would blow through the cracks in the walls and the flooring was laid directly in the foundation, making the floors frozen when it snowed. I didn't care - we spent the first 6 months is bed every minute that we weren't at work and then moved to a better place after a year.
Go home. I know, it'll be a PITA. You don't have to break up with your BF, but give him some space and let him see of he can make it on his own and get happy. See of he can make friends and set up a community and get out of his funk. THEN, if he's willing to make changes and he sees how his negative behavior affected your RR, consider moving back - maybe getting engaged. Or maybe you figure out that he's not really your soul mate. True love will survive. A separation while he figures his shit out could reset the relationship. Leave before your doors in California start to close and you're stuck.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the collective pep talk. The snow is pretty and I'm sure it's beautiful out here in the spring. I think I was coming from a place of frustration and loneliness. I started taking supplements, and on warm days, I take my dogs out for a walk, to liften my mood, just so I wouldn't appear to be such a Debbie downer. I think part of the reason he's distant and snappy is because he may feel responsible for my sadness. I'm sure work is a contributing factor...but I wouldn't want him to feel any guilt.

I agree that people in DC are a different beast than what I'm accustomed to. It's a different culture and while I do try to be friendly at the dog park, I can't help but feel like a fish out of water. People here seem to be in a perpetual bad mood, and unlike the west coast, I notice people keep to themselves. And the traffic, the roads, don't help. I'm grateful to have secured a job so soon, but I was almost desperate. I was getting a little cabin fever and finding myself doing menial things around the house to keep myself busy, plus the added guilt of having to depend on someone else. The things I've enjoyed back home were many outdoor things. We do like Virginia and maybe once we get settled, possibly move out there. As long as we both stay intact.

To the poster who mentioned how moving for someone can create a "funky" dynamic--that rings true in light of my own situation.

It's amazing to find many people who were in my exact situation on this website and other fellow San Diegans I loved everything about SD. I used to think 63 was freezing, but I'd kill for that right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the collective pep talk. The snow is pretty and I'm sure it's beautiful out here in the spring. I think I was coming from a place of frustration and loneliness. I started taking supplements, and on warm days, I take my dogs out for a walk, to liften my mood, just so I wouldn't appear to be such a Debbie downer. I think part of the reason he's distant and snappy is because he may feel responsible for my sadness. I'm sure work is a contributing factor...but I wouldn't want him to feel any guilt.

I agree that people in DC are a different beast than what I'm accustomed to. It's a different culture and while I do try to be friendly at the dog park, I can't help but feel like a fish out of water. People here seem to be in a perpetual bad mood, and unlike the west coast, I notice people keep to themselves. And the traffic, the roads, don't help. I'm grateful to have secured a job so soon, but I was almost desperate. I was getting a little cabin fever and finding myself doing menial things around the house to keep myself busy, plus the added guilt of having to depend on someone else. The things I've enjoyed back home were many outdoor things. We do like Virginia and maybe once we get settled, possibly move out there. As long as we both stay intact.

To the poster who mentioned how moving for someone can create a "funky" dynamic--that rings true in light of my own situation.

It's amazing to find many people who were in my exact situation on this website and other fellow San Diegans I loved everything about SD. I used to think 63 was freezing, but I'd kill for that right now.

I'm the person who mentioned the "funky" dynamic. For me, it's partly because I chose DH over my job and my life, and he essentially chose his job over me (not that he had a ton of options--he was transferred to DC). But, had I not gone with him, he would have gone anyway. And, while logically I know it made more sense for me to leave my job since it was not the be-all, end-all of my existence, it will probably always bother me on an emotional level that my happiness came second. The other thing that makes it awkward is that now you're miserable, and he knows it's basically because of a choice he made. So it's hard to vent to him about your sadness, since he'll take it as a personal attack.

I guess I wish I would have had the inner strength to put my happiness first and stay put--at least for a while. It seemed silly at the time to rank a place over a person, but now I don't know. Some places are pretty great! On the other hand, I could be married to some totally awful jerk right now, and be bitching about that. Good luck with whatever you decide!

[Anonymous]

Op it's hard to what you have done at 32. 30 something's have a lot going on and are in a different lfe stage. So they do not have a lot of time to be friend new people. DC is not a friendly place. I think it is the type of jobs - political, bureaucratic, law, academic, etc. It self selects for some antisocial types. I remember moving away during college and be shocked people said "hi". What does your BF do? I ask in term if the hours will get better? That's another thing about DC, there is little work/life balance at many places(like the White House, Hill jobs or law). This could be the thing that will not change and will be the deal breaker.
It takes time to make new friends. The older you are the longer it takes and the more you miss your friend. Join some groups, league sports, take the train to New York one weekend, get a cheap flight to Fla or Puerto Rico for a long weekend(it will recharge your batteries). This is just a bump in your road of life(ps February suxs).

[Anonymous]

Well in the meantime, if you need to rent or buy when you get here to DC, let me know. I can get you in something fast....

[e-mail]

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you are having a rough time. Have you been able to sit down with your BF and talk about how you both are feeling?

No matter what happens, I don't think you should have any regrets, truly. There was no crystal ball in this situation and you were taking a risk either way - but if you hadn't moved to DC, and your relationship ended, you very well may have been left wondering "what if" for a very long time. When you imagined what your life would have been like with your BF in DV, it probably would have been an idealized version of reality, and the regret would have been difficult to live with.

As things are now, you can always return to SD and find another job; msybe not the same job, but that's okay. You can rebuild...nothing is irreversible.

I would sit down with your BF and have a heart to heart. And give yourself time to acclimate, to build new connections and make a life for yourself in DC.

But regardless of what happens...no regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you are having a rough time. Have you been able to sit down with your BF and talk about how you both are feeling?

No matter what happens, I don't think you should have any regrets, truly. There was no crystal ball in this situation and you were taking a risk either way - but if you hadn't moved to DC, and your relationship ended, you very well may have been left wondering "what if" for a very long time. When you imagined what your life would have been like with your BF in DV, it probably would have been an idealized version of reality, and the regret would have been difficult to live with.

As things are now, you can always return to SD and find another job; msybe not the same job, but that's okay. You can rebuild...nothing is irreversible.

I would sit down with your BF and have a heart to heart. And give yourself time to acclimate, to build new connections and make a life for yourself in DC.

But regardless of what happens...no regrets.

DC, not DV ^^