So: Are there good guys and girls out there? Is anyone happily married for a long time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought but if you were together for 2 years before marriage (assuming a one year engagement but perhaps yours was shorter) you guys made the decision to get married somewhere around the one year mark. That's not really much time to get to know someone to make a lifetime commitment to, particularly if you aren't living together.

There's no guarantees in life and certainly there's people that have successful marriages that get married quickly but you'll increase your chances of success by spending more time getting to know the person.

FWIW been together for 10 years and things are amazing!

I knew my husband for less than 6 months before getting married and we have a strong, happy marriage. Putting an arbitrary timeline on things, long or short, is stupid.

Consider whether you are a statistical exception.

Consider whether generalizations are helpful.

Bolded part above rings true for me.

[Anonymous]

Twenty years married and going strong . . .

[Anonymous]

Happily together for 25 years. Lived together for 6,married for 19.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Happily married 26 years, together for 28.

Honestly, most women just choose poorly. They ignore the warning signs. They go for the cute or rich or powerful guy instead of someone who has integrity. Then they have children too soon, and let the children unravel the marriage. They don't stay connected to their partner. And, as a parent, I'm always astounded by how flummoxed this generation is by having children.

I think there are many factors at play here. However, I don't think you can ignore the fact that, one generation ago, most married mothers didn't have the kind of jobs that most married mothers have in major metropolitan areas like DC (or Boston, or NY, for that matter) have today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Happily married 26 years, together for 28.

Honestly, most women just choose poorly. They ignore the warning signs. They go for the cute or rich or powerful guy instead of someone who has integrity. Then they have children too soon, and let the children unravel the marriage. They don't stay connected to their partner. And, as a parent, I'm always astounded by how flummoxed this generation is by having children.

I think there are many factors at play here. However, I don't think you can ignore the fact that, one generation ago, most married mothers didn't have the kind of jobs that most married mothers have in major metropolitan areas like DC (or Boston, or NY, for that matter) have today.

Not just the kind of jobs but jobs period. Growing up it was very common for one parent to SAH and now, almost everyone I know has both parents working. I'm too lazy to pull it up but there's a statistically significant increase in the number of dual income households now.

Also, there's a lot of statistical evidence out there that cost of living has outpaced wage growth for all but a sliver of the population.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-here. I thought I did everything right with my ex. I was honest, faithful, I was available emotionally and sexually. Addressed issues head on, with calm and honest demeanor. I'm attractive. It still failed. He still cheated, left and said he never loved me. Wrecked me bad. I gave up on men for a while, met one I really like, but kept thinking he had to be fake/lying/have ulterior motives, and I ruined it. I look around and I see similar stories, and I'm just wondering, will it all ever click for me? Does it click for anyone? Is there really happiness with another or are we deluding ourselves. I know everyone asks these questions and the books I read on the topic make me ask more not answer any. I'm in a mood. Thanks for indulging me.

Someone said once that (most of the time) a good marriage takes two things: "Choose wisely and treat kindly."

Sounds like you treated kindly, but may have not chosen well.

I have a friend whose man-picker is broken. She had the gay boyfriend first, then cheated on him with the cheating-type, who she married. Now she's divorced from that one, picked a total nut job that she had to call 911 on, then married someone who was nice but she was not attracted to, then divorced him and is now with one of those controlling guys who want to isolate you from everyone. arrugh. The worst part is she's got a couple of kids she's put through all this, one of whom is now not speaking to her.

At times, my DH and another good friend have stood up to say, "Larla, I think you being with x is a mistake, and this is why." It takes courage, because it is really not your business, but if you care about a friend I do think it's the right thing to do, to help your friend. Anyways she often comments about how much she appreciated (my DH) for telling her about one of her choices.

But she inevitably goes for the loser guy anyways.

So I say to you, OP: If you have reason to believe your man-picker is broken, grab your friend who has a great one, and ask them their opinion and advice. Then when you've got a winner, provide kindness, which sounds like you have, and with a little good luck, that will see you through.

[Anonymous]

Marriage isn't the epitome of happiness or love. It is just one of other available frameworks within which we can express ourselves romantically. It is appropriate for some, and it isn't for some.

If OP is certain that it is what will determine her ultimate happiness, then so be it, but for all I know some of the happiest people in the world are single and will never change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage isn't the epitome of happiness or love. It is just one of other available frameworks within which we can express ourselves romantically. It is appropriate for some, and it isn't for some.

If OP is certain that it is what will determine her ultimate happiness, then so be it, but for all I know some of the happiest people in the world are single and will never change that.

OP here, I completely agree. And I don't think marriage is or provides the epitome or ultimate happiness. I know for me I want love. I really do. A monogamous, passionate, long term love. I wasn't always like this. But now I know it's what I want. If I don't have it, so be it, but I'd like a chance at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP-here. I thought I did everything right with my ex. I was honest, faithful, I was available emotionally and sexually. Addressed issues head on, with calm and honest demeanor. I'm attractive. It still failed. He still cheated, left and said he never loved me. Wrecked me bad. I gave up on men for a while, met one I really like, but kept thinking he had to be fake/lying/have ulterior motives, and I ruined it. I look around and I see similar stories, and I'm just wondering, will it all ever click for me? Does it click for anyone? Is there really happiness with another or are we deluding ourselves. I know everyone asks these questions and the books I read on the topic make me ask more not answer any. I'm in a mood. Thanks for indulging me.

Someone said once that (most of the time) a good marriage takes two things: "Choose wisely and treat kindly."

Sounds like you treated kindly, but may have not chosen well.

I have a friend whose man-picker is broken. She had the gay boyfriend first, then cheated on him with the cheating-type, who she married. Now she's divorced from that one, picked a total nut job that she had to call 911 on, then married someone who was nice but she was not attracted to, then divorced him and is now with one of those controlling guys who want to isolate you from everyone. arrugh. The worst part is she's got a couple of kids she's put through all this, one of whom is now not speaking to her.

At times, my DH and another good friend have stood up to say, "Larla, I think you being with x is a mistake, and this is why." It takes courage, because it is really not your business, but if you care about a friend I do think it's the right thing to do, to help your friend. Anyways she often comments about how much she appreciated (my DH) for telling her about one of her choices.

But she inevitably goes for the loser guy anyways.

So I say to you, OP: If you have reason to believe your man-picker is broken, grab your friend who has a great one, and ask them their opinion and advice. Then when you've got a winner, provide kindness, which sounds like you have, and with a little good luck, that will see you through.

I don't know if my man picker is broken, but good advice. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Twenty years married and going strong . . .

Oh and four children too.

[Anonymous]

My parents just celebrated their 57th anniversary and are still happily married. Only marriage for both.

My BIL and SIL have been married for 32 years. Only marriage for both.

My wife and I have been married almost 13 years, together for 16. Only marriage for me, second for her.

[Anonymous]

I come from a long line of long, happy marriages. DH and I 15 years, sis and her husband 25 years, brother and his wife, 20 years, folks over 50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Twenty years married and going strong . . .

Oh and four children too.

Me love you long time.

[Anonymous]

Married 10 years. Together 14. Happy. Is life perfect? No. But he is a good guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: And I keep running into pretentious hipsters or sex-driven alphas, or just awkward guys. And I'm starting to wonder, my list is really not so complicated, is it me? Is it life? Or is it a matter of time. Because I am definitely ready for good. I wasted way too long of my life with bad.

I guess it depends on the nature of the awkwardness, but of the guys you list, the awkward ones seem like your best shot. And, for what it's worth, I think there are plenty of guys who act like hipsters and alpha assholes because that's what they think they need to do to get women's attention -- because they see women going out with those kinds of guys (and/or those kinds of guys are the ones loudly bragging about their success with women.) Distinguishing between the faux alpha/hipsters and the real ones, however, is probably easier said than done.

OP here, I'm no Ms. Cool, and I like some awkwardness, but I'm talking the talk super loud, interrupt someone and talk about something completely unrelated type of awkward. And I do feel like a complete asshole for even feeling this way, but it's not attractive to me. And to be fair, I shouldn't be judgmental of hipsters or alphas But they're not attractive to me either.

Look OP, you've got baggage, OK? What makes you think that's so attractive to all these guys you turn your nose up at for not meeting your standards? You say you want love, but do you even know what it means to love someone?