So: Are there good guys and girls out there? Is anyone happily married for a long time?

[Anonymous]

Happily married 26 years, together for 28.

Honestly, most women just choose poorly. They ignore the warning signs. They go for the cute or rich or powerful guy instead of someone who has integrity. Then they have children too soon, and let the children unravel the marriage. They don't stay connected to their partner. And, as a parent, I'm always astounded by how flummoxed this generation is by having children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Happily married 26 years, together for 28.

Honestly, most women just choose poorly. They ignore the warning signs. They go for the cute or rich or powerful guy instead of someone who has integrity. Then they have children too soon, and let the children unravel the marriage. They don't stay connected to their partner. And, as a parent, I'm always astounded by how flummoxed this generation is by having children.

Most, yes. OP here, again. I went for broke, not my physical type, and def. not powerful. But I thought, in my head, he was a good guy. We clicked on all the big picture stuff. The morals, values, life goals, dreams, etc. We were together 2 years before marriage (didn't live together, maybe that was a reason), were together 4 before we decided it was time for a kid, we had a serious discussion re: getting pregnant. That if we decide to do this, we have to be sure we're in this together for the long haul, no divorce. No doubts. We got pregnant. A year and a half later, he was sleeping with someone else. Never loved me, never wanted to be with me, never found me attractive. Forced the divorce, then said it was my decision, I was never happy. If I'd seen the signs now, that he was a man without honor and integrity, then, this marriage would never have happened. The damage of those 8 years together won't ever go away. It made me question my whole being to the core, my beliefs, my judgment, my everything. Particularly as I see how these choices affect our DS.

I want to be in love with a real man this time, one with integrity, one who is generous with his feelings, honest and strong. And I keep running into pretentious hipsters or sex-driven alphas, or just awkward guys. And I'm starting to wonder, my list is really not so complicated, is it me? Is it life? Or is it a matter of time. Because I am definitely ready for good. I wasted way too long of my life with bad.

[Anonymous]

That being said, the post is by me, about me, which is selfish to keep rehashing my past here. So I'll stop. I love reading all the affirming stories. And I hope I add mine to yours soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: And I keep running into pretentious hipsters or sex-driven alphas, or just awkward guys. And I'm starting to wonder, my list is really not so complicated, is it me? Is it life? Or is it a matter of time. Because I am definitely ready for good. I wasted way too long of my life with bad.

I guess it depends on the nature of the awkwardness, but of the guys you list, the awkward ones seem like your best shot. And, for what it's worth, I think there are plenty of guys who act like hipsters and alpha assholes because that's what they think they need to do to get women's attention -- because they see women going out with those kinds of guys (and/or those kinds of guys are the ones loudly bragging about their success with women.) Distinguishing between the faux alpha/hipsters and the real ones, however, is probably easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

Just a thought but if you were together for 2 years before marriage (assuming a one year engagement but perhaps yours was shorter) you guys made the decision to get married somewhere around the one year mark. That's not really much time to get to know someone to make a lifetime commitment to, particularly if you aren't living together.

There's no guarantees in life and certainly there's people that have successful marriages that get married quickly but you'll increase your chances of success by spending more time getting to know the person.

FWIW been together for 10 years and things are amazing!

[Anonymous]

My wife and I are at eight and a half years. Two kids. Yes, we're in love and enjoy each other. Yes, we've had disagreements, I don't think anyone truly lives in Pleasantville, but it wasn't anything we couldn't get past. We both have a lot going on between the kids, jobs, she's back in school for a Master's Degree and had to hold the fort down while I was getting mine, etc. We're both pretty open and honest with each other when the other one has annoyed us, and we always try to make time for at least a few minutes of conversation and checking in with each other, even on the busiest days. There's plenty of potential out there for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: And I keep running into pretentious hipsters or sex-driven alphas, or just awkward guys. And I'm starting to wonder, my list is really not so complicated, is it me? Is it life? Or is it a matter of time. Because I am definitely ready for good. I wasted way too long of my life with bad.

I guess it depends on the nature of the awkwardness, but of the guys you list, the awkward ones seem like your best shot. And, for what it's worth, I think there are plenty of guys who act like hipsters and alpha assholes because that's what they think they need to do to get women's attention -- because they see women going out with those kinds of guys (and/or those kinds of guys are the ones loudly bragging about their success with women.) Distinguishing between the faux alpha/hipsters and the real ones, however, is probably easier said than done.

OP here, I'm no Ms. Cool, and I like some awkwardness, but I'm talking the talk super loud, interrupt someone and talk about something completely unrelated type of awkward. And I do feel like a complete asshole for even feeling this way, but it's not attractive to me. And to be fair, I shouldn't be judgmental of hipsters or alphas But they're not attractive to me either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought but if you were together for 2 years before marriage (assuming a one year engagement but perhaps yours was shorter) you guys made the decision to get married somewhere around the one year mark. That's not really much time to get to know someone to make a lifetime commitment to, particularly if you aren't living together.

There's no guarantees in life and certainly there's people that have successful marriages that get married quickly but you'll increase your chances of success by spending more time getting to know the person.

FWIW been together for 10 years and things are amazing!

Agreed, we married too early. Both came from conservative backgrounds and he pushed for the marriage when I was wanting to slow down. Should've been a red flag, but back then I thought it was romantic. Like a champ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought but if you were together for 2 years before marriage (assuming a one year engagement but perhaps yours was shorter) you guys made the decision to get married somewhere around the one year mark. That's not really much time to get to know someone to make a lifetime commitment to, particularly if you aren't living together.

There's no guarantees in life and certainly there's people that have successful marriages that get married quickly but you'll increase your chances of success by spending more time getting to know the person.

FWIW been together for 10 years and things are amazing!

Agreed, we married too early. Both came from conservative backgrounds and he pushed for the marriage when I was wanting to slow down. Should've been a red flag, but back then I thought it was romantic. Like a champ.

Okay, then I'll ask my 2 cents. I married my guy 5 months after we met. We've been together for 19 years. We were not (kinda arrange marriage) in love when we got married, but I liked who he was and we shared similar values. We discussed it our future and decided that he likes me enough to marry me. We have had issues/stress with kids/parenting, job stresses, neglect, sex etc. But I have always loved and liked him and have not (his deal breaker) cheated. I don't think he has either, though he could've because of the constant travel for his job. Although I have loved him, I was unhappy for many years, well, until about 3 years ago at least. I busied myself with the kids and try the best that I could. For his part, he is a great provider, hard worker, a non complainer, tolerant of me, handsome, fit, responsible, ethical, funny and generous to me and the kids. All his positive attribute were evident from the beginning and I hung on to them when he was emotionally walled, neglectful, unaffectionate. I always respected him because he was honest and reliable. When I felt like living him, he wouldn't let me. I considered greatly his good qualities, and always did a cost benefit analysis, his good qualities outweighed his bad ones.

And now, over 18 years later, not only has he become mr. mom. He also very attentive, responsive, and is greatly more attached to me, more so than I am to him I think. I did have a coming to jesus with him at some point which made him change a few minor things - maintaining regular contact when he is traveling. We both adore each other now, when we just loved each other before. And now I am in love with him too. He seems to need me and seek me out constantly. I am glad I stuck through it. He is now a very attentive parent to our 2 teenagers and is slowly revolving his life around family life. I am really happy with him and can't see a life without him in it now. The road there has been long. OP, I share my story with you so you understand that there's no perfect formula to happy. It is a complex journey for most. Be patient and hopeful always and see where it takes you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought but if you were together for 2 years before marriage (assuming a one year engagement but perhaps yours was shorter) you guys made the decision to get married somewhere around the one year mark. That's not really much time to get to know someone to make a lifetime commitment to, particularly if you aren't living together.

There's no guarantees in life and certainly there's people that have successful marriages that get married quickly but you'll increase your chances of success by spending more time getting to know the person.

FWIW been together for 10 years and things are amazing!

I knew my husband for less than 6 months before getting married and we have a strong, happy marriage. Putting an arbitrary timeline on things, long or short, is stupid.

[Anonymous]

I am happily married, but there is no doubt we have had our moments, and months where we were less than happy. However, we really do love each other and battled through the tough times, which we agree made our relationship stronger. Don't expect perfection in marriage - it doesn't exist!! Make sure your big picture values line up, and be prepared to work on your relationship and compromise, and also try to understand each other. good luck!

[Anonymous]

Married for 11, together for 20. Happy 98%, Frustrated 2%.

[Anonymous]

Married for 34, together for 36. My daughter made me post this. Some years are wonderful, some are good, and some years you find you don't really connect much. The idea is to understand that one bad year doesn't necessarily signal the end of a partnership. It's just one bad year, and you remember why you married them, and you refresh that and you go on.

Some years with small children, you just have to get through them and know that they won't live with you forever. That you will have time to yourselves again some day. We sit around now and talk about the horrors of small children and teenagers and laugh over beers on our deck. It went by fast, and we ended up with each other, which is just what we planned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought but if you were together for 2 years before marriage (assuming a one year engagement but perhaps yours was shorter) you guys made the decision to get married somewhere around the one year mark. That's not really much time to get to know someone to make a lifetime commitment to, particularly if you aren't living together.

There's no guarantees in life and certainly there's people that have successful marriages that get married quickly but you'll increase your chances of success by spending more time getting to know the person.

FWIW been together for 10 years and things are amazing!

I knew my husband for less than 6 months before getting married and we have a strong, happy marriage. Putting an arbitrary timeline on things, long or short, is stupid.

Consider whether you are a statistical exception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought but if you were together for 2 years before marriage (assuming a one year engagement but perhaps yours was shorter) you guys made the decision to get married somewhere around the one year mark. That's not really much time to get to know someone to make a lifetime commitment to, particularly if you aren't living together.

There's no guarantees in life and certainly there's people that have successful marriages that get married quickly but you'll increase your chances of success by spending more time getting to know the person.

FWIW been together for 10 years and things are amazing!

I knew my husband for less than 6 months before getting married and we have a strong, happy marriage. Putting an arbitrary timeline on things, long or short, is stupid.

Consider whether you are a statistical exception.

Consider whether generalizations are helpful.