reluctantly caring for in-laws

[Anonymous]

I don't think letting your racist MIL move into your home is a good idea, OP. -Especially not if you're the primary care giver.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother lived with us when I was in college, she had dementia and was a widow (except my mother is one of 5, why we had to take her wasn't told to me). My parents had a good, solid marriage before, and it was terribly difficult on the entire family. It was really, really awful, even for me and I wasn't even living there full time. It almost ruined my parents' marriage. The fighting, the stress, the burden, it's a lot to ask of anyone.

If you are in the DC area, there are tons of assisted living communities/condo buildings around here. I would try to find some close to you. Then your MIL could keep some form of independence and make friends her own age. You could also see her regularly, but have your own space.

[Anonymous]

Turn the other cheek, sister!

[Anonymous]

Do NOT let your MIL move in with you if you want to preserve your marriage. This type of arrangement only succeeds if the parent (Mother or MIL) gets along extremely well with the woman of the household and is not a PITA. Listen to your intuition. Look for alternative care arrangements, such as having live-in caregivers at her home or finding a elder care home.

Caring for ILs took my marriage to the breaking point - and I got along with them. I didn't feel close to them but we always had a positive relationship. My DH, like yours, is an only child. He felt a great responsibility to his parents as they got older and more infiirm, they became more demanding and more unreasonable. As a PP noted, aspects of their personalities intensified. DH felt like he was between a rock (them) and a hard place (me). If my FIL hadn't died when he did, we'd be divorced. Unless you feel committed to your MIL (and I don't see why you would), there's no way in hell I'd let her move in. Pay for someone to come in a few times a week or get her into independent living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband, an only child, grew up very close to his parents in a very, very small and sheltered community. While fundamentally nice people, I hope, his parents and I have clashed in many major ways the past 20 years-most notably, they tried to physically bar us from entering our own wedding because they didn't believe their son should marry a black woman. We've tried to make amends, but things are constantly coming up-they didn't want our kids in public school, they were angry when we named a child what they consider to be a "black name" (equivalent of Dante), and on several occasions have commented to my husband that my clothing was slutty. When they're around my husband and children, they're lovely. Around me, they're icy and rude. Two years ago, almost to the day, my father-in-law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He went on hospice care in eight months and was dead within the year. My husband mourned and I supported him, and for a while his grief seemed overwhelming, but he got through it and is now increasingly close to his mother. Who wants to move in with us.

I'm currently a SAHM (with plans to start working by 2016) so the burden of caring for MIL would fall mostly on me. If it were my mother, I would expect my husband to take her in. Then again, my mother hasn't used the n-word against my husband. I believe children have the responsibility to care for their parents, especially if they have a stable relationship and love each other. My husband agrees. However, it pains me to know I will be taking care of someone who has been so mean to me in the past. I will care for her diligently and do everything necessary should she end up moving in with us, which would happen by Christmas. But something in me really doesn't want her to. Input, please-thanks.

She would move in by Christmas? You didn't say that your DH wanted her to move in. How far away is the small sheltered community where she lives and DH grew up? Does she have brothers and sisters and other family/friends there? Is she moving all her stuff into your house? Is her house for sale? If she calls you and your children the N word I don't see how DH could want her in the house. Is she continent? If the inlaws lived far away how often did you see them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do NOT let your MIL move in with you if you want to preserve your marriage. This type of arrangement only succeeds if the parent (Mother or MIL) gets along extremely well with the woman of the household and is not a PITA. Listen to your intuition. Look for alternative care arrangements, such as having live-in caregivers at her home or finding a elder care home.

Caring for ILs took my marriage to the breaking point - and I got along with them. I didn't feel close to them but we always had a positive relationship. My DH, like yours, is an only child. He felt a great responsibility to his parents as they got older and more infiirm, they became more demanding and more unreasonable. As a PP noted, aspects of their personalities intensified. DH felt like he was between a rock (them) and a hard place (me). If my FIL hadn't died when he did, we'd be divorced. Unless you feel committed to your MIL (and I don't see why you would), there's no way in hell I'd let her move in. Pay for someone to come in a few times a week or get her into independent living.

x infinity. Please OP, do not let her move in. You have other options that will give her quality care. DO NOT DO IT!

[Anonymous]

My paternal grandmother was a straight up biatch to my mom. When grandma was dying, my mom, a nurse, would go to grandma's house first thing in the morning and take care of her so that she could be in her own house. My mom would stay there all day, and then go to work from 3-11 pm. She did this for months. She never got a thank you, only nasty comments and criticism.
I was talking with my mom about this a month or so ago. I told her that she was a much nicer person that I am. I asked her why she did it. She said because she loves my father. Simple enough.
I hope that your MIL dies before she has to come stay with you OP. She sounds horrid, and personally, if my husband didn't cut his parents off after referring to me as the n-word, if probably dump him. That is just not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Do what has your DH been saying about thectreaent you have received all these years?? B