reluctantly caring for in-laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I support your good will, OP, and I commend you on your sense of duty.
That said, marriage isn't always easy, and it sounds like caring for your MIL may not be, either. (I reiterate my first point.)
So... How about a frank conversation with MIL?
Along the lines of, 'Betty, you are welcome in our home and we want you to feel cared for. But clearly you have had some strong words for me in the past and I don't want to have bad blood between us. Let's vow to respect one another.'

This is very good advice.

The Bible says to Honor Your Mother and Father (in-law). It does not say that you have to like them.

[Anonymous]

Tough situation, OP. My 93 yr old in laws live with me. While they have never overtly treated me poorly, I know they don't like me for a number of reasons. I'm a woman (they believe women shouldn't wear pants) and their list of judgments go on. Anyway, I don't like them either (FIL has never told his son he loves him or is proud of him and he's a chauvinist). But, I make dinner every night and drive them around. I'm kind, but very detached. I don't sit around and converse, I leave all that to DH. It's worked well.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. If my ILs had had such an opinion of me before the wedding, I probably would not have gotten married. Or, I would have made it clear to DH that we would cut off all contact.

I can hardly believe your situation, to be honest. However, since you've gone this far, why not take her in? She's at your mercy. Use it well.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe your husband would even suggest having her move in with you given that she's called you a nigger and behaved so hatefully over the past couple of decades.

How will she treat you when she's in the same house as you daily? How will she treat your children and what will she teach them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT let your MIL move in with you if you want to preserve your marriage. This type of arrangement only succeeds if the parent (Mother or MIL) gets along extremely well with the woman of the household and is not a PITA. Listen to your intuition. Look for alternative care arrangements, such as having live-in caregivers at her home or finding a elder care home.

This. Caring for an elderly parent would be hard even if she was your BFF.

You need to have a frank conversation with your husband. Help him understand that having her close by and still dutifully caring for her would be a healthier, happier situation for all of you--not just you.

I agree. Even under the best of circumstances having an aging parent moving in can be very difficult. I believe you could build a new, better relationship with this person but not necessarily under the same roof.

Good luck, you sound like you have a good heart.

[Anonymous]

No. She has been too mean to you.

Find her an assisted care or condo nearby. Make your dh do all the care taking for her in the evenings. Don't get sucked into taking care of her when she has treated you badly.

[Anonymous]

If she does move in with you, the first comment or icy glare, say "MIL you are going to need to find different living arrangements if you can't be civil."

At the second offense, pack her stuff.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely no way should she move in with you.

You and DH are well within the bounds of family duty to help her while she lives somewhere else. A small apartment, assisted living…but her abuse of you over the years means she doesn't get a place in your home.

In fact, I would even argue that DH should be the one doing any and all care for her. Your support role is enabling him to do that by covering more at home, but if she is terrible to you one-on-one, you shouldn't be with her one-on-one, and that's a boundary that should have gotten drawn long ago.

[Anonymous]

Is there truly no other option? Why does she have to live IN your house? I love *and* like my In Laws (and they love me!) and think living with them would be a huge strain on both me and my marriage - I can't imagine doing it in your situation.

[Anonymous]

Oh hell no. There is no way I would live and care for someone who called me derogatory names. She needs to go to an assisted living center. Or you and your husband can buy her a small condo near your place and he can visit her and care for her as needed.

Seriously, don't do this to yourself. You will just end up being miserable.

[Anonymous]

I think, if she wants to move in, she needs to make a very true, moving, and deep apology for how she has treated you in the past. If she does it, and if you believe she really is sincere, you should forgive her as the Christian you are.

[Anonymous]

I would not go here with this woman. Ever hear "give them an inch, they think they are a ruler?" Yeah, this.

Just because she doesn't respect herself enough to respect others, doesn't mean you have to make up for her shortcomings. You owe her nothing.

Christian has nothing to do with it.

And the N word? You think her hate will improve? No. Just no.

[Anonymous]

Who wants to move in

It doesn't matter what she wants. That's it, that's all.
If you or your husband say "no", it's no.
Both have to say agree, otherwise the "no" outweighs the other yes.

It's simple really. Just state your NO clearly. You owe no one an explanation.
Don't waiver, and don't give any indication that you are flexible.

[Anonymous]

You can make sure she's cared for (and you can visit often) without having her live with you.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind that as people age, there personality traits, good and bad, often become enhanced. If your MIL felt comfortable saying such awful things to you before, there's no telling how much worse she can get.

I know I (and I think many of the other posters) would be interested to know how your DH has defended/protected you over the years, OP. While I know I can't imagine being in his exact shoes, I'm finding it hard to imagine continuing a relationship with people who have such open hatred for the person I have decided to marry and have children with.

I think she could be placed in a assisted care facility that is near you, and DH can visit as often (even daily) as he likes. You should not have to care for this person. This goes well beyond normal in-law tension. This woman has been full-on abusive to you, and you should not be forced to endure abuse.