reluctantly caring for in-laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm. If my ILs had had such an opinion of me before the wedding, I probably would not have gotten married. Or, I would have made it clear to DH that we would cut off all contact.

I can hardly believe your situation, to be honest. However, since you've gone this far, why not take her in? She's at your mercy. Use it well.

No way would I have given them what they wanted. But they would never see us again. Period.

[Anonymous]

^ Amen

[Anonymous]

There is no way I would let MIL move in after her treatment of you; if she continues to behave the same way, your children will learn that it is "ok" to behave like grandma.

And, under no circumstances, let her move in on a trial basis--you will never be able to get her out of your house. It is not easy to move an elderly person and she will probably not budge. Decide whether you want her to be there before she moves in. Best to see if it is in the budget to place her in a good assisted living or elderly apartment near your home.

My emotionally abusive grandmother moved in and stayed for the next 20 years. I was shunned a lot for not participating in her manipulative games. Needless to say I left home as soon as I finished college and have never gone back.

You are a good hearted person and obviously love your DH, but if you take your MIL in you and your DH will need to go over the ground rules. Maybe moving her near you and seeing if she can actually behave before moving her into the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that as people age, there personality traits, good and bad, often become enhanced. If your MIL felt comfortable saying such awful things to you before, there's no telling how much worse she can get.

I know I (and I think many of the other posters) would be interested to know how your DH has defended/protected you over the years, OP. While I know I can't imagine being in his exact shoes, I'm finding it hard to imagine continuing a relationship with people who have such open hatred for the person I have decided to marry and have children with.

I think she could be placed in a assisted care facility that is near you, and DH can visit as often (even daily) as he likes. You should not have to care for this person. This goes well beyond normal in-law tension. This woman has been full-on abusive to you, and you should not be forced to endure abuse.

This. As she starts to slip, all kinds of awful things might come out. You are an adult and can cope, but what about your children? This is a recipe for unhappiness all around-- even your MIL will not be truly happy in this situation. Find her a nice assisted living place, visit often, and you have more than done your duty.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Wouldn't do it. You are going to be miserable and chances are she will be even more mean to you. Old people can be very mean and spiteful.

I can't believe your husband is even considering this as an option.

[Anonymous]

i've never known an ornery person to mellow as she ages.

[Anonymous]

NO, NO, NO. Been there. She will ruin your marriage. Trust me on that. You have suffered quite enough with these people.

[Anonymous]

How does your husband feel about her treatment of you? How has he addressed it with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does your husband feel about her treatment of you? How has he addressed it with her?

this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think, if she wants to move in, she needs to make a very true, moving, and deep apology for how she has treated you in the past. If she does it, and if you believe she really is sincere, you should forgive her as the Christian you are.

I agree with this. Your husband must tell his mother that she must express her deep regret for her past actions towards you and sincerely beg your forgiveness. If she does this, you should gracefully accept her apology. The ball is in her court.

[Anonymous]

I think you should all have a heart to heart before moving in about how this is going to be, *after* your husband has talked to her and feels that honestly, she is on board in terms of respecting you going forward.

Then I think you should agree to a 1-3 month trial. See how it goes. If everyone can make it work for 3 months, you might be able to do it. But make sure you have an alternative plan going in (nearby assisted living, living with another sibling, etc) so that if it doesn't work you can stop.

I think you are wonderful and generous person despite the negativity you've experienced from them. If your MIL has it in her to be a respectful mature human being, perhaps it can work. But you don't have to subject yourself to abuse if this is what her living with you will mean in practice.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I'd have to say no. I couldn't imagine having a racist in my own home insulting me and my family. Tell DH he can pay for her to go to an elderly home.

[Anonymous]

You need to be clear about the demands already on you with more than one child and your desire and most likely financial need to go back to work full-time to educate dear children. I think you should put the emphasis in talking with your husband that you would like to work with him to find a setting close by where "MIL" would be happiest and would be assured of having the supportive care as she ages out. Since she is the remaining parent, then if there are resources, I would consider them being put to good use to find the care she needs. You could look at a life care setting in your area with different levels or a small apartment and price out what home health care agency services would cost. You could be generous and offer her to come to your home on a regular basis for meals when it fit your schedule and routine, and you could extend yourself to help her out by helping her make connections to new doctors, hair stylist etc in your area. It is more than likely if she makes the move while she still has her health to some degree she can make new friends in similar circumstances. And I would point that out to DH as being a very important part of any senior's good health and spirit, AND it would also take off the table undue pressures on you or our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Nope. I wouldn't do it. MIL can go to assisted living and then to a nursing home. Nearby, if that's what she wants, but she wouldn't be living with me.

My duty is make sure that my MIL is safe and cared for. It is NOT to take care of her with my own hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should all have a heart to heart before moving in about how this is going to be, *after* your husband has talked to her and feels that honestly, she is on board in terms of respecting you going forward.

This needs to be a conversation between the husband, wife and MIL where the husband lists the conditions for staying in their home, and MIL agrees to them in the presence of the DIL. For example, "No racist comments, especially the ones with the N-word", or "No comments on DIL's clothing".
Even then, I would not be optimistic. MIL will have a million opportunities for manipulation and inserting a wedge between the husband and wife... how about accusing DIL of abuse? claiming she is not feeding the poor old lady?
Don't do it, OP. Past history with this family excuses you of any obligation. If you still have to do it - be prepared and protect yourself.