reluctantly caring for in-laws

[Anonymous]

My husband, an only child, grew up very close to his parents in a very, very small and sheltered community. While fundamentally nice people, I hope, his parents and I have clashed in many major ways the past 20 years-most notably, they tried to physically bar us from entering our own wedding because they didn't believe their son should marry a black woman. We've tried to make amends, but things are constantly coming up-they didn't want our kids in public school, they were angry when we named a child what they consider to be a "black name" (equivalent of Dante), and on several occasions have commented to my husband that my clothing was slutty. When they're around my husband and children, they're lovely. Around me, they're icy and rude. Two years ago, almost to the day, my father-in-law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He went on hospice care in eight months and was dead within the year. My husband mourned and I supported him, and for a while his grief seemed overwhelming, but he got through it and is now increasingly close to his mother. Who wants to move in with us.

I'm currently a SAHM (with plans to start working by 2016) so the burden of caring for MIL would fall mostly on me. If it were my mother, I would expect my husband to take her in. Then again, my mother hasn't used the n-word against my husband. I believe children have the responsibility to care for their parents, especially if they have a stable relationship and love each other. My husband agrees. However, it pains me to know I will be taking care of someone who has been so mean to me in the past. I will care for her diligently and do everything necessary should she end up moving in with us, which would happen by Christmas. But something in me really doesn't want her to. Input, please-thanks.

[Anonymous]

ouch. i don't know what to say.

i guess if it happens, you can tell yourself what a good, open, generous heart you have for opening your home when these people shut their hearts to you.

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry into this shitty family?

I am serious.

You need to get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Be the true Christian you know you are in your heart.

[Anonymous]

I think you should be wonderfully kind to her. She's probably feeling enormous grief. Try hard to be the bigger person. You seem to be doing a great job of it so far, so keep it up!

[Anonymous]

Your in-laws have treated you terribly. Why has your husband not stood up for you and told them not to behave so badly?

[Anonymous]

Do NOT let your MIL move in with you if you want to preserve your marriage. This type of arrangement only succeeds if the parent (Mother or MIL) gets along extremely well with the woman of the household and is not a PITA. Listen to your intuition. Look for alternative care arrangements, such as having live-in caregivers at her home or finding a elder care home.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible to provide a room and then just pay for someone to come in and care for her until your husband gets home from work?

[Anonymous]

Good luck trying to be a loving caretaker when she doesn't want you to come near her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be the true Christian you know you are in your heart.

What? Being abused by your in-laws for years means being Christ like? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be the true Christian you know you are in your heart.

What? Being abused by your in-laws for years means being Christ like? No.

It means that OP should be the bigger person and, you know, love your enemy, so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws have treated you terribly. Why has your husband not stood up for you and told them not to behave so badly?

You don't know that her husband hasn't stood up for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws have treated you terribly. Why has your husband not stood up for you and told them not to behave so badly?

You don't know that her husband hasn't stood up for her.

Well, if he has, she hasn't mentioned it.

[Anonymous]

I support your good will, OP, and I commend you on your sense of duty.
That said, marriage isn't always easy, and it sounds like caring for your MIL may not be, either. (I reiterate my first point.)
So... How about a frank conversation with MIL?
Along the lines of, 'Betty, you are welcome in our home and we want you to feel cared for. But clearly you have had some strong words for me in the past and I don't want to have bad blood between us. Let's vow to respect one another.'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT let your MIL move in with you if you want to preserve your marriage. This type of arrangement only succeeds if the parent (Mother or MIL) gets along extremely well with the woman of the household and is not a PITA. Listen to your intuition. Look for alternative care arrangements, such as having live-in caregivers at her home or finding a elder care home.

This. Caring for an elderly parent would be hard even if she was your BFF.

You need to have a frank conversation with your husband. Help him understand that having her close by and still dutifully caring for her would be a healthier, happier situation for all of you--not just you.