Husband goes to bed at 8:30 every night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We decided to talk tonight. He says he is distant because I seem depressed. Chicken or egg? He will try to take on more responsibility, me to give up control. Still, if we didn't have kids I would be out of this marriage tomorrow. But if we didn't have kids we probably wouldn't be in this rut.

OP, responsibility for what? control of what? (Honestly, the fact that he says he's distancing himself from you b/c you're depressed makes him seem like a twit.)

At any rate, 1, get your 5 year old in their own bed--in their own room. 2, even with limited money there's lots of things you can do together. Turn off the tv Saturday nights. Have a conversation, make dinner together, play a board game. Reconnect as people.

[Anonymous]

Please don't tell me you're one of those people on the parenting board extolling the virtues of cosleeping.

[Anonymous]

I go to bed early, at least by 9:30 because I too get up at 5 to walk for an hour. Home by 6:30 to get DC ready for school. We both work all day, and then I drive DC all over for his activities. By the time we're all home, it's dinner, homework, and then bed. DH stays up much later, and sometimes sleeps on the couch because his snoring is just over the top. We love each other, we're in survival mode during the week. I sometimes don't talk to my DH during the day, especially if I'm super busy with work, and vice versa. Try not to over analyze. Have a conversation with your DH when you're both available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8:30 is a little extreme. 9:30 maybe, but this sounds very strange for an adult who doesn't have to wake up at 3am to go to bed this early.

9 hours of sleep is optimal for athletes from a recent stanford study - 830-5am is excellent.

He sounds like he has his shit together - healthy sleep, takes care of his kid, goes to work, keeps his health by working out, has a hobby - damn what more do you want?

Support Him! Connect! Stop judging and work with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8:30 is a little extreme. 9:30 maybe, but this sounds very strange for an adult who doesn't have to wake up at 3am to go to bed this early.

9 hours of sleep is optimal for athletes from a recent stanford study - 830-5am is excellent.

He sounds like he has his shit together - healthy sleep, takes care of his kid, goes to work, keeps his health by working out, has a hobby - damn what more do you want?

Support Him! Connect! Stop judging and work with him.

OH, and get the 5 year old out of your bed!! How can you sleep? Maybe sleep deprivation is your problem.

[Anonymous]

I think there are a couple of problems here. Yes, he is doing something physically healthy for physically healthy reasons. That's great. I can't fault him for that, technically. But in the process, he's shutting out his wife from the marriage they had before this, since it sounds like this is a recent change. She's feeling lonely. He's depriving her of time with him, and it doesn't sound like they have much time together now as a couple.

The 5-year-old in the bed is a separate issue, but since I have the same issue myself, I can't really speak to it. (my 5-year-old starts off in her own bed, but if she wakes up in the night, she'll come to mine. Usually I sleep right through it. I'm a single mom, though, so it's not affecting a marriage or sex life.)

[Anonymous]

I am a woman and I am like your DH. We don't have a kid in bed with us, but he is an early riser, and does not STTN 100%, so I have to be ready.
Plus, honestly, there is so little my H can say or do that would interest me. He also wants us to watch movies, not all of them I am interested in. None of his fault, I knew he is not the sharpest tool in the shed when I married him, but it didn't matter then. Plus, he tends to get ass-holish about things, so it's natural for me to try to avoid his snap outs.

[Anonymous]

Ding Ding Ding. You are depressed sister. And he is doing whatever it takes to take care of himself and you are isolating yourself and it''s only going to get worse. Stop looking at him and fix yourself. Do your work. Be a happy person on your own terms and share that with your husband. No one wants to spend time with an anchor when they're trying to swim.

If you really want a happy marriage, do your work. Fix your own issues and stop looking outward for your husband to make you whole. He's not a missing piece that you need to plug in here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a couple of problems here. Yes, he is doing something physically healthy for physically healthy reasons. That's great. I can't fault him for that, technically. But in the process, he's shutting out his wife from the marriage they had before this, since it sounds like this is a recent change. She's feeling lonely. He's depriving her of time with him, and it doesn't sound like they have much time together now as a couple.

The 5-year-old in the bed is a separate issue, but since I have the same issue myself, I can't really speak to it. (my 5-year-old starts off in her own bed, but if she wakes up in the night, she'll come to mine. Usually I sleep right through it. I'm a single mom, though, so it's not affecting a marriage or sex life.)

perhaps before there's a rush to throw the H under the bus, take moment to ask what OP is doing that may be contributing to her being "shut out". Perhaps her behavior is the cause? Perhaps she's not wanting or willing to meet him halfway? Or maybe it's that she's depressed and doesn't know how to communicate or break out of the funk?

[Anonymous]

Can't speak to the other issues but as someone who has gotten up early to exercise for years, my reasons are that it was the only time available to work out. Yes, it annoyed dh that I was falling asleep in front of tv with him but then I thought about how I would feel in my old age if I hadn't worked out regularly -- and no way was I going to let myself be cornered into turning my body into a prison just so I could stay up with him to watch tv for another hour every night.

But now dh gets up to work out with me and he actually falls asleep before I do. And we're both healthier for it. I love it!

OP, sounds like there are other things going on here besides him falling asleep early. Maybe his exercise schedule isn't the real issue. But if it is, please consider how important that this may be for him.

[Anonymous]

OP if you are depressed, exercise will help you too. Still, I think it's odd that his response to your suspected depression is to shut you out completely. Sounds like there is a communication problem if he couldn't find a way to discuss this with you, or he is passive aggressive and won't communicate what he is angry about. Hope constructive things come from the conversation you had. Good you raised it with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he not want you to go to bed early, too? Meaning, is he avoiding you or does he just have a different body clock. It's an important distinction, because the latter is much easier to deal with.

Agreed. My mother was in bed by 8:30-9 every night. My dad was heading that way around 2am most nights. She didn't sleep well and tossed and turned and never felt rested or caught up. It didn't bother their marriage because they acknowledged it and took time in the early evenings and weekends to be together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't speak to the other issues but as someone who has gotten up early to exercise for years, my reasons are that it was the only time available to work out. Yes, it annoyed dh that I was falling asleep in front of tv with him but then I thought about how I would feel in my old age if I hadn't worked out regularly -- and no way was I going to let myself be cornered into turning my body into a prison just so I could stay up with him to watch tv for another hour every night.

But now dh gets up to work out with me and he actually falls asleep before I do. And we're both healthier for it. I love it!

OP, sounds like there are other things going on here besides him falling asleep early. Maybe his exercise schedule isn't the real issue. But if it is, please consider how important that this may be for him.

How often do you two have sex?

[Anonymous]

You are depressed. I can see it being incredibly difficult to connect with such a person, particularly if that person refuses to see that they are depressed and are constantly looking at what you perceive your husband is doing wrong. You need to get yourself better and then you'll be happy and your marriage will improve.