Husband goes to bed at 8:30 every night
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Anonymous
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Right after getting our kindrgartener to bed. He often gets up to jog at 5. We have a 20 month old and he gets up with her if she gets up before 5am, which she usually doesn't do. Even before this he stopped hanging out with me on week nights, preferring instead to work on his hobby. In the past couple months he has stopped calling me during the workday and often doesn't respond to my emails/texts unless there's a direct question in them. His job is not particularly demanding and is less than 40 hours a week. On Saturday night we watch an hour or two of tv together before he says he has to go to bed. He is a great dad for the most part but basically a roommate/coparent, not a husband.
Any suggestions for improving this crappy marriage? We have no family in the area and limited budget for datenight. He is often resistant to going out because our older child doesn't like sitters, and he tends to cater to her. I have heard of this dynamic but usually with the wife in the kid-centered role. |
Anonymous
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OP, you didn't mention in your post if you + your husband are still being intimate, but since he is going to bed before you I am going to just assume no.
It sounds as if he is avoiding relations w/you and this is deeply troubling to me. If this is indeed the case, then you need to address this sooner rather than later. Intimacy is HUGE in marriage and if your husband is purposely avoiding it then something is seriously bothering him. When you and him have some time alone, w/out the children around, you must talk to him about this. Ask him if anything specific is troubling him about your relationship and if so, what can be done to solve it. Instead of merely avoiding whatever is eating away at him, it needs to be addressed directly so it can be worked on between you two. I wish you both the best of luck. |
Anonymous
| Excessive exercise is another sign he may be trying to avoid intimacy. |
Anonymous
| Are you sure he's having a 5 am jog and not a 5 am shag? |
Anonymous
| What's his hobby?? Can you join in? |
Anonymous
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He is being a good father and a good person (jogging to stay healthy).
You need to plan a date and get a baby sitter. You need to talk to him and ask him to do the same once a month. You should try to meet him for lunch at his work ever once in a while. You need to take a vacation together without the kids. That is what people mean when they say marriage is work, you need to work on your marriage even after the ceremony, and especially after the kids. He needs sleep and if the only time he can get exercise is at 5am he is going to be tired at 8:30. |
Anonymous
| I am a dw that goes to bed pretty early most days. I have to get up at 5 to run also and then an hour and a half commute. I generally do not get home until bedtime and an hour later, I am done, mentally and physically. That said, it isn't 8:30, it is 10:00 at the latest usually. My DH is a night owl and this arrangement isn't conducive to a lot of intimacy during the week. We have talked it through though and spend a lot of time making sure the other is getting what they need both in terms of physical and non-physical intimacy. It may not be ideal but it is what it is while I have this particular job. Op- you need to talk to your H if you aren't getting what you want. If he isn't willing to stay up later a few nights a week, you need to find a sitter and find the time in the weekends. |
Anonymous
| Does he not want you to go to bed early, too? Meaning, is he avoiding you or does he just have a different body clock. It's an important distinction, because the latter is much easier to deal with. |
Anonymous
| Maybe he's just tired. |
Anonymous
This is the best advice. If it was a DW who liked to go to bed early, get up and exercise, work at her job and have a hobby, everyone would support her. So if you want extra things to happen, you need to get extra help for the kids. |
Anonymous
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He gets up at 5am. He's going to bed at 8:30 because he's TIRED. You're reading too much into it. He's working on a hobby to relieve stress and get downtime.
What are you doing while he's working on his hobby? Watching TV? What is it you want him to do? Watch TV with you? You don't need a night out, you need realistic expectations. He's not going to put his hobby down just to sit on the couch with you and watch your shows. |
Anonymous
| 8:30 is a little extreme. 9:30 maybe, but this sounds very strange for an adult who doesn't have to wake up at 3am to go to bed this early. |
Anonymous
| Talk to HIM, instead of posting here. Geez, how is it you simply don't know how to communicate? |
Anonymous
But it is not, if you figure 8 hours of sleep a night, right? To bed at 8:30 and up at 4:30 to get up to jog, or whatever? OP, my husband is the same way. He is just a morning person; I am a night owl. I actually don't really mind it. He gets is alone time in the am (when he is at the gym/working downstairs); I get it at night after all are in bed and I can read/surf the internet/watch cheezy tv series (Outlander!)/whatever. |
Anonymous
When do you two have sex, and how often? |