Toddler daughter is mean to my mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok, I hear you guys. It seems like everyone is saying it's unsafe to put my daughter in the care of my mom. While I wouldn't necessarily use the word "unsafe", I do agree that it may not be the best solution in terms of my daughter's best interests. In fact, my mom feels the same way and has told me that she thinks it's not good for my daughter to be put under the stressful conditions of being babysat by someone my daughter clearly doesn't like.

I'm expecting my 2nd next week, and my initial plans were to have my mom around to help me out after the baby comes. I guess I'm going to have to figure out something else.

Yep, start making phone calls.

Is DH taking any time off?

[Anonymous]

Seconding everyone else who says that your daughter is being a normal toddler, and your mother clearly doesn't have the skills to cope with that in a way that feels comfortable for either her or your daughter.

That's a serious bummer for you, especially with a baby on the way, but I think you need to accept this reality. Instead of worrying about blame you just need a different solution.

In time your daughter (and second child) will grow up enough to have a relaitonship with your mother in some way. It will happen. But right now your mother isn't capable of managing a toddler.

It's possible she'll be fine w/ an infant but you'll need to manage your daughter carefully to make sure she is getting the love and attention she needs.

By the way, I don't read this situation as some horrible nightmare, but you don't want to start disrespecting your daughter's instincts. You want to teach her to respect her own emotions and instincts about safety, tough, people with whom she feels safe, and you want her to know you will take her feelings about those things seriously even if they seem irrational or ill founded.

You need to raise a daughter who won't be a victim. I'm not saying your mother is a demon, but you start now in teaching your daughter how to set limits, and in showing her that you will have her back.

[Anonymous]

SOrry - touch (meaning physical contact with and from others), not tough.

[Anonymous]

Leaving aside the hitting/throwing back issue,

Early dementia is unpredictable. Leaving the stove on and starting a fire is just one bad outcome. Forgetting to close the front door all the way and not noticing when your toddler wanders outside or giving your child multiple doses of Tylenol because she doesn't remember giving earlier doses are also possible.

I hope you're able to find someone to help out!

[Anonymous]

Op here again. I've actually gone back and read through everyone's responses and have given it some more thought. Especially the pp who spoke of teaching my daughter to trust her own instincts. I asked myself if I sent that message to my daughter clearly, and to be honest I'm not sure. What I told her exactly was that while it was ok for her to not like my mom, I said it was not ok that she did mean things to her like hit her and throw things at her, because she is her grandmother. The thing is, I understand that my daughter doesn't feel totally safe being alone with my mother whatever those reasons might be. And giving it more thought, I realized that if it was anyone else that my daughter didn't feel totally safe with, I would WANT her to "be mean" instead of trying to play nice. Because this is indeed a healthy, intelligent reaction for my daughter to have.

So it just made me realize that maybe I did falter in making that message clear to her, and perhaps I confused her healthy reaction to someone she didn't totally trust. Tomorrow morning, I plan to make that message clear to her. I love my mom, but my daughter does come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here again. I've actually gone back and read through everyone's responses and have given it some more thought. Especially the pp who spoke of teaching my daughter to trust her own instincts. I asked myself if I sent that message to my daughter clearly, and to be honest I'm not sure. What I told her exactly was that while it was ok for her to not like my mom, I said it was not ok that she did mean things to her like hit her and throw things at her, because she is her grandmother. The thing is, I understand that my daughter doesn't feel totally safe being alone with my mother whatever those reasons might be. And giving it more thought, I realized that if it was anyone else that my daughter didn't feel totally safe with, I would WANT her to "be mean" instead of trying to play nice. Because this is indeed a healthy, intelligent reaction for my daughter to have.

So it just made me realize that maybe I did falter in making that message clear to her, and perhaps I confused her healthy reaction to someone she didn't totally trust. Tomorrow morning, I plan to make that message clear to her. I love my mom, but my daughter does come first.

Good, OP. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok, I hear you guys. It seems like everyone is saying it's unsafe to put my daughter in the care of my mom. While I wouldn't necessarily use the word "unsafe", I do agree that it may not be the best solution in terms of my daughter's best interests. In fact, my mom feels the same way and has told me that she thinks it's not good for my daughter to be put under the stressful conditions of being babysat by someone my daughter clearly doesn't like.

I'm expecting my 2nd next week, and my initial plans were to have my mom around to help me out after the baby comes. I guess I'm going to have to figure out something else.

Yep, start making phone calls.

Is DH taking any time off?

I talked to my mom already and she won't be staying with us after the baby comes anymore. In a way it seemed like a relief for both me and my mom. Dh will be home 2 weeks and I will just need to line up some babysitting help for when we're at the hospital and for after dh goes back to work.

[Anonymous]

I think there's also a problem that you told your daughter that it's not okay to hit/throw things, but your daughter saw that her grandmother hit her and threw things at her. That's very confusing for a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter isn't being "mean" to your mom, she's being a toddler, with all of the crankiness and fickleness that comes with that. That your mother is unable to appreciate your daughter at her appropriate developmental level and instead expects her to react with the maturity of a child much older is your mother's issues, and reflects her own limitations. That you are going on your mother's trip and also blaming this on your daughter rather than accepting it as a part of toddlerhood and advocating for your child is highlighting your own limitations as a parent. You can't do anything about your mother's issues, but I strongly suggest you work on your own if you don't want to keep passing down this legacy, and/or alienating your daughter as she grows up.

Wow, at what point did I ever start "blaming" this on my daughter? Was it when I told her to apologize for hitting my mom and throwing toys at her? I think that's a fair limit/consequence to put on a verbal toddler.

But did you ask your mom to apologize to your daughter for hitting her and throwing toys at her??

Not acceptable in my culture. Nor do I think it would be effective in handling my 70 year old mom's behavior - it would only make her more resentful.

So basically you're going to let your mother treat your daughter terribly, and then tell you daughter she should apologize for it. Glad I'm not part of your culture.

+1

Lemme guess. Chinese, right?

[Anonymous]

There is no way on God's green earth that I would leave someone I personally describe as entering the early stages of dementia alone with my toddler. Are you for real? And your mother hits and throws things at your daughter? Yet you still persist in leaving them alone together? I think you are insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there's also a problem that you told your daughter that it's not okay to hit/throw things, but your daughter saw that her grandmother hit her and threw things at her. That's very confusing for a child.

+1
Your kid is a toddler, she will be closed to who play with her and you mom is clearly not doing so. And it seems like your mom hurts her occasionally beside doing nothing. I don't think any kid will like an adult like that.
If you can't change your mom's or your kid's behaviour for whatever reason, it maybe good to just separate them at this time and way until your toddler can verbally communicate better then you can find out the reason. If this keeps happening, it may leave an unconscious bad memory for your toddler when she grows older.

[Anonymous]

your mom hits her back? of course your daughter doesn't like her. she doesn't play, she is controlling and immature. this has almost nothing do with your kid.

[Anonymous]

Unless your mother has abused your daughter, this behavior allowed by you, is inexcusable. If any of my children ever treated anyone like this, there would have been immediate consequences. She is a mean girl bully in the making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've written about this before, but I guess I just needed a place to vent my feelings, and maybe hear some advice if anyone might have some.

There's a lack of a bond between my toddler daughter and my mom, and recently it has gotten worse. My daughter has started acting quite mean to my mom, and my mom suffers from depression, so this has not been good her for my mom at all and my mom is hurt. My daughter sometimes throws toys at her, hits her, ignores her, pushes her away, and whenever my mom comes near her, she gets upset and leaves. The weird part is that my daughter doesn't do this to anyone else but my mom. She's been really great and sweet with all of her babysitters (and we've had quite a few), and she recently started nursery school, and she loves her teachers, and everyone says how pleasant and happy she is.

My mom would love if her granddaughter were affectionate toward her, but it's quite the opposite. I thought it might get better, as they spend more time together, but it has only gotten worse the more time they spend together. I've asked my daughter why she is mean toward my mom, and she gives varying answers.... she says she gets scared that mom and dad aren't there. I asked her if she felt that way with her other grandmom, and she said no.

The way my mom describes it, when I leave the 2 of them alone, she's initially ok, just playing by herself, but as time goes on, she starts having anger issues every time my mom comes near her. She'll start throwing all her toys around, and go to the next room to get away from my mom. So then my mom tries to avoid her, but only comes to her to prevent her from doing something she shouldn't do or doing something dangerous.

It's come to the point where my mom has told me that she doesn't want to spend time with her anymore, because it makes her feel bad, and because she feels it's too stressful for my daughter to be around someone she hates so much. She says she prefers that I just get the babysitter to come watch her instead. My mom says she can't help but to start disliking my daughter, because she is so mean to her. I know I can't force a relationship between the two, but nevertheless, this makes me sad.

I don't know exactly why my daughter acts this way towards my mom. The language barrier has something to do with it, but it doesn't explain all of it. My mom is also pretty hands off with kids in general and doesn't really like to play, or read books, or do any kid stuff, which is really boring to her. She's also depressed and anxious, and can be controlling, and has been exhibiting initial signs of dementia. She also tends to handle conflict a bit immaturely - for instance, if my daughter throws a toy at her or hits her, my mom will just throw it right back at her or hit her back. Maybe it's a combination of these things. When I suggest to my mom to try having fun with her, or to stop being so afraid of interacting with my daughter, she gets upset at the suggestion that it's something that she's doing or not doing that's causing my daughter to act that way towards her. My mom says, the more time they spend together, the more my daughter dislikes her, so she thinks that the best solution is to stop spending any more time with her altogether.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'm sad for my mom, and I'm sad that she no longer wants to have a relationship with my daughter, and I'm sad that my daughter acts this way towards my mom. At one point, I yelled at my daughter after she threw a toy at my mom and hit her. And I explained that she needs to be nice to my mom just like she's nice to her other grandmom, that they are both her grandmoms. And told her to go apologize. It seemed to work for the short term, but in the long term, it only seemed to make it worse.

Maybe I should just accept that my mom doesn't really want a relationship with my daughter anymore? I think that is the place where I need to be. It is tough though.

Did I have a blackout and write this? Are you me?

[Anonymous]

OP here, with just an update... a few days after I had the talk with my mom, deciding together that maybe that it's not the best idea after all for her to babysit now, considering my daughter's age/developmental stage and needs, and my mom's coping skills... Almost the next day, my mom has flipped back and changed her mind about wanting to babysit again and wants to try again. Unfortunately, I'd already come to a place mentally where I felt that it was no longer a good idea.

And then, my toddler daughter did the same flip around, and soon after my mom left, she said she wanted to have her grandma back, saying she missed her and wanted to see her again. Haha, toddlers and elderly grandmas can be quite fickle indeed. In actuality, I remember my daughter going through a stage like similar to this when she was younger when she would push her dad away, and only show a preference for me.

Anyway, I'm a little torn at this point. I just found out our sitter isn't as available as I would need her. And I'm practically about to deliver our little one, and am finding the stress of hiring another backup too much to handle at this stage. Ugh.