Toddler daughter is mean to my mom

[Anonymous]

I've written about this before, but I guess I just needed a place to vent my feelings, and maybe hear some advice if anyone might have some.

There's a lack of a bond between my toddler daughter and my mom, and recently it has gotten worse. My daughter has started acting quite mean to my mom, and my mom suffers from depression, so this has not been good her for my mom at all and my mom is hurt. My daughter sometimes throws toys at her, hits her, ignores her, pushes her away, and whenever my mom comes near her, she gets upset and leaves. The weird part is that my daughter doesn't do this to anyone else but my mom. She's been really great and sweet with all of her babysitters (and we've had quite a few), and she recently started nursery school, and she loves her teachers, and everyone says how pleasant and happy she is.

My mom would love if her granddaughter were affectionate toward her, but it's quite the opposite. I thought it might get better, as they spend more time together, but it has only gotten worse the more time they spend together. I've asked my daughter why she is mean toward my mom, and she gives varying answers.... she says she gets scared that mom and dad aren't there. I asked her if she felt that way with her other grandmom, and she said no.

The way my mom describes it, when I leave the 2 of them alone, she's initially ok, just playing by herself, but as time goes on, she starts having anger issues every time my mom comes near her. She'll start throwing all her toys around, and go to the next room to get away from my mom. So then my mom tries to avoid her, but only comes to her to prevent her from doing something she shouldn't do or doing something dangerous.

It's come to the point where my mom has told me that she doesn't want to spend time with her anymore, because it makes her feel bad, and because she feels it's too stressful for my daughter to be around someone she hates so much. She says she prefers that I just get the babysitter to come watch her instead. My mom says she can't help but to start disliking my daughter, because she is so mean to her. I know I can't force a relationship between the two, but nevertheless, this makes me sad.

I don't know exactly why my daughter acts this way towards my mom. The language barrier has something to do with it, but it doesn't explain all of it. My mom is also pretty hands off with kids in general and doesn't really like to play, or read books, or do any kid stuff, which is really boring to her. She's also depressed and anxious, and can be controlling, and has been exhibiting initial signs of dementia. She also tends to handle conflict a bit immaturely - for instance, if my daughter throws a toy at her or hits her, my mom will just throw it right back at her or hit her back. Maybe it's a combination of these things. When I suggest to my mom to try having fun with her, or to stop being so afraid of interacting with my daughter, she gets upset at the suggestion that it's something that she's doing or not doing that's causing my daughter to act that way towards her. My mom says, the more time they spend together, the more my daughter dislikes her, so she thinks that the best solution is to stop spending any more time with her altogether.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'm sad for my mom, and I'm sad that she no longer wants to have a relationship with my daughter, and I'm sad that my daughter acts this way towards my mom. At one point, I yelled at my daughter after she threw a toy at my mom and hit her. And I explained that she needs to be nice to my mom just like she's nice to her other grandmom, that they are both her grandmoms. And told her to go apologize. It seemed to work for the short term, but in the long term, it only seemed to make it worse.

Maybe I should just accept that my mom doesn't really want a relationship with my daughter anymore? I think that is the place where I need to be. It is tough though.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter isn't being "mean" to your mom, she's being a toddler, with all of the crankiness and fickleness that comes with that. That your mother is unable to appreciate your daughter at her appropriate developmental level and instead expects her to react with the maturity of a child much older is your mother's issues, and reflects her own limitations. That you are going on your mother's trip and also blaming this on your daughter rather than accepting it as a part of toddlerhood and advocating for your child is highlighting your own limitations as a parent. You can't do anything about your mother's issues, but I strongly suggest you work on your own if you don't want to keep passing down this legacy, and/or alienating your daughter as she grows up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've written about this before, but I guess I just needed a place to vent my feelings, and maybe hear some advice if anyone might have some.

There's a lack of a bond between my toddler daughter and my mom, and recently it has gotten worse. My daughter has started acting quite mean to my mom, and my mom suffers from depression, so this has not been good her for my mom at all and my mom is hurt. My daughter sometimes throws toys at her, hits her, ignores her, pushes her away, and whenever my mom comes near her, she gets upset and leaves. The weird part is that my daughter doesn't do this to anyone else but my mom. She's been really great and sweet with all of her babysitters (and we've had quite a few), and she recently started nursery school, and she loves her teachers, and everyone says how pleasant and happy she is.

My mom would love if her granddaughter were affectionate toward her, but it's quite the opposite. I thought it might get better, as they spend more time together, but it has only gotten worse the more time they spend together. I've asked my daughter why she is mean toward my mom, and she gives varying answers.... she says she gets scared that mom and dad aren't there. I asked her if she felt that way with her other grandmom, and she said no.

The way my mom describes it, when I leave the 2 of them alone, she's initially ok, just playing by herself, but as time goes on, she starts having anger issues every time my mom comes near her. She'll start throwing all her toys around, and go to the next room to get away from my mom. So then my mom tries to avoid her, but only comes to her to prevent her from doing something she shouldn't do or doing something dangerous.

It's come to the point where my mom has told me that she doesn't want to spend time with her anymore, because it makes her feel bad, and because she feels it's too stressful for my daughter to be around someone she hates so much. She says she prefers that I just get the babysitter to come watch her instead. My mom says she can't help but to start disliking my daughter, because she is so mean to her. I know I can't force a relationship between the two, but nevertheless, this makes me sad.

I don't know exactly why my daughter acts this way towards my mom. The language barrier has something to do with it, but it doesn't explain all of it. My mom is also pretty hands off with kids in general and doesn't really like to play, or read books, or do any kid stuff, which is really boring to her. She's also depressed and anxious, and can be controlling, and has been exhibiting initial signs of dementia. She also tends to handle conflict a bit immaturely - for instance, if my daughter throws a toy at her or hits her, my mom will just throw it right back at her or hit her back. Maybe it's a combination of these things. When I suggest to my mom to try having fun with her, or to stop being so afraid of interacting with my daughter, she gets upset at the suggestion that it's something that she's doing or not doing that's causing my daughter to act that way towards her. My mom says, the more time they spend together, the more my daughter dislikes her, so she thinks that the best solution is to stop spending any more time with her altogether.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'm sad for my mom, and I'm sad that she no longer wants to have a relationship with my daughter, and I'm sad that my daughter acts this way towards my mom. At one point, I yelled at my daughter after she threw a toy at my mom and hit her. And I explained that she needs to be nice to my mom just like she's nice to her other grandmom, that they are both her grandmoms. And told her to go apologize. It seemed to work for the short term, but in the long term, it only seemed to make it worse.

Maybe I should just accept that my mom doesn't really want a relationship with my daughter anymore? I think that is the place where I need to be. It is tough though.

Sounds like supervised playing is your best option. Neither of them seem to like each other!

[Anonymous]

This two are not a good combo right now. It's not a big deal, and it's not permanent. There are a number of issues here and it also sounds like you are too close to the situation to just say, it's not a good age and combination right now, let's try babysitting again in six months.

It's a total overreaction to say your mom doesn't want a relationship with your kid or your kid hates your daughter. Your mom is not equipped to babysit a little kid -- she's depressed and anxious and can't play with her. Your daughter doesn't handle her well and is, after all, a toddler. Okay, it's no one's fault! Just don't leave them alone and try again in six months. Don't catastrophize.

Kids tantrum and throw their toys around OP, often for no reason at all.

[Anonymous]

If your mom is matching your daughter's behavior, your daughter is probably scared of her. Especially if all the other adults in her life handle her normal toddler behavior appropriately (ie, give a reasonable consequence or redirect for throwing toys). My guess is your daughter gets that grandma is not safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter isn't being "mean" to your mom, she's being a toddler, with all of the crankiness and fickleness that comes with that. That your mother is unable to appreciate your daughter at her appropriate developmental level and instead expects her to react with the maturity of a child much older is your mother's issues, and reflects her own limitations. That you are going on your mother's trip and also blaming this on your daughter rather than accepting it as a part of toddlerhood and advocating for your child is highlighting your own limitations as a parent. You can't do anything about your mother's issues, but I strongly suggest you work on your own if you don't want to keep passing down this legacy, and/or alienating your daughter as she grows up.

Wow, at what point did I ever start "blaming" this on my daughter? Was it when I told her to apologize for hitting my mom and throwing toys at her? I think that's a fair limit/consequence to put on a verbal toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter isn't being "mean" to your mom, she's being a toddler, with all of the crankiness and fickleness that comes with that. That your mother is unable to appreciate your daughter at her appropriate developmental level and instead expects her to react with the maturity of a child much older is your mother's issues, and reflects her own limitations. That you are going on your mother's trip and also blaming this on your daughter rather than accepting it as a part of toddlerhood and advocating for your child is highlighting your own limitations as a parent. You can't do anything about your mother's issues, but I strongly suggest you work on your own if you don't want to keep passing down this legacy, and/or alienating your daughter as she grows up.

Wow, at what point did I ever start "blaming" this on my daughter? Was it when I told her to apologize for hitting my mom and throwing toys at her? I think that's a fair limit/consequence to put on a verbal toddler.

But did you ask your mom to apologize to your daughter for hitting her and throwing toys at her??

[Anonymous]

My nephew was little like this to me but I don't live in the same city so I only see him 2-3 times a year... however, on my last trip we were best of friends and he's even called me a few times since. He is now approx 4.5

One thing that I tried the last few visits that seemed to work was to say hi to him when I got there and then just talk to my brother and sister in law and let my nephew warm up to me being there... maybe your mom is overwhelming your daughter when she first arrives? Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter isn't being "mean" to your mom, she's being a toddler, with all of the crankiness and fickleness that comes with that. That your mother is unable to appreciate your daughter at her appropriate developmental level and instead expects her to react with the maturity of a child much older is your mother's issues, and reflects her own limitations. That you are going on your mother's trip and also blaming this on your daughter rather than accepting it as a part of toddlerhood and advocating for your child is highlighting your own limitations as a parent. You can't do anything about your mother's issues, but I strongly suggest you work on your own if you don't want to keep passing down this legacy, and/or alienating your daughter as she grows up.

Wow, at what point did I ever start "blaming" this on my daughter? Was it when I told her to apologize for hitting my mom and throwing toys at her? I think that's a fair limit/consequence to put on a verbal toddler.

But did you ask your mom to apologize to your daughter for hitting her and throwing toys at her??

Not acceptable in my culture. Nor do I think it would be effective in handling my 70 year old mom's behavior - it would only make her more resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This two are not a good combo right now. It's not a big deal, and it's not permanent. There are a number of issues here and it also sounds like you are too close to the situation to just say, it's not a good age and combination right now, let's try babysitting again in six months.

It's a total overreaction to say your mom doesn't want a relationship with your kid or your kid hates your daughter. Your mom is not equipped to babysit a little kid -- she's depressed and anxious and can't play with her. Your daughter doesn't handle her well and is, after all, a toddler. Okay, it's no one's fault! Just don't leave them alone and try again in six months. Don't catastrophize.

Kids tantrum and throw their toys around OP, often for no reason at all.

OP here, thanks for this perspective. It was actually kind of eye-opening and you are right, I think I am too close to the situation right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My nephew was little like this to me but I don't live in the same city so I only see him 2-3 times a year... however, on my last trip we were best of friends and he's even called me a few times since. He is now approx 4.5

One thing that I tried the last few visits that seemed to work was to say hi to him when I got there and then just talk to my brother and sister in law and let my nephew warm up to me being there... maybe your mom is overwhelming your daughter when she first arrives? Just a thought.

OP here. Yes, I agree, and I know my daughter won't be acting like this forever. The problem isn't my mom overwhelming her though, in fact, she is quite afraid to interact with my daughter at all, so if anything, she mostly ignores her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter isn't being "mean" to your mom, she's being a toddler, with all of the crankiness and fickleness that comes with that. That your mother is unable to appreciate your daughter at her appropriate developmental level and instead expects her to react with the maturity of a child much older is your mother's issues, and reflects her own limitations. That you are going on your mother's trip and also blaming this on your daughter rather than accepting it as a part of toddlerhood and advocating for your child is highlighting your own limitations as a parent. You can't do anything about your mother's issues, but I strongly suggest you work on your own if you don't want to keep passing down this legacy, and/or alienating your daughter as she grows up.

Wow, at what point did I ever start "blaming" this on my daughter? Was it when I told her to apologize for hitting my mom and throwing toys at her? I think that's a fair limit/consequence to put on a verbal toddler.

But did you ask your mom to apologize to your daughter for hitting her and throwing toys at her??

Not acceptable in my culture. Nor do I think it would be effective in handling my 70 year old mom's behavior - it would only make her more resentful.

So basically you're going to let your mother treat your daughter terribly, and then tell you daughter she should apologize for it. Glad I'm not part of your culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter isn't being "mean" to your mom, she's being a toddler, with all of the crankiness and fickleness that comes with that. That your mother is unable to appreciate your daughter at her appropriate developmental level and instead expects her to react with the maturity of a child much older is your mother's issues, and reflects her own limitations. That you are going on your mother's trip and also blaming this on your daughter rather than accepting it as a part of toddlerhood and advocating for your child is highlighting your own limitations as a parent. You can't do anything about your mother's issues, but I strongly suggest you work on your own if you don't want to keep passing down this legacy, and/or alienating your daughter as she grows up.

Wow, at what point did I ever start "blaming" this on my daughter? Was it when I told her to apologize for hitting my mom and throwing toys at her? I think that's a fair limit/consequence to put on a verbal toddler.

But did you ask your mom to apologize to your daughter for hitting her and throwing toys at her??

Not acceptable in my culture. Nor do I think it would be effective in handling my 70 year old mom's behavior - it would only make her more resentful.

So basically you're going to let your mother treat your daughter terribly, and then tell you daughter she should apologize for it. Glad I'm not part of your culture.

+1

[Anonymous]

Your mother doesn't need a grandchild, she needs a dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter isn't being "mean" to your mom, she's being a toddler, with all of the crankiness and fickleness that comes with that. That your mother is unable to appreciate your daughter at her appropriate developmental level and instead expects her to react with the maturity of a child much older is your mother's issues, and reflects her own limitations. That you are going on your mother's trip and also blaming this on your daughter rather than accepting it as a part of toddlerhood and advocating for your child is highlighting your own limitations as a parent. You can't do anything about your mother's issues, but I strongly suggest you work on your own if you don't want to keep passing down this legacy, and/or alienating your daughter as she grows up.

Wow, at what point did I ever start "blaming" this on my daughter? Was it when I told her to apologize for hitting my mom and throwing toys at her? I think that's a fair limit/consequence to put on a verbal toddler.

But did you ask your mom to apologize to your daughter for hitting her and throwing toys at her??

Not acceptable in my culture. Nor do I think it would be effective in handling my 70 year old mom's behavior - it would only make her more resentful.

Not PP, but have you told your mother not to hit your daughter or throw things at her, even if your daughter started it?

Was your mom like this growing up?