Rude In-Laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to let this go. Some people just don't handle things well. That doesn't mean they aren't good people.

Well said

+1 OP, I feel your distress, but your feelings are your problem, not the inlaws' problem.

I would have expected them to respond in the manner you expected them to. You mention your husband is not that close to them. That's a clue that something is off emotionally in that family. I encourage you to let go of this and treat them with kindness.

OP here--I agree! thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

You sound so high maintenance and a pain in the fucking ass. I feel sorry for your ILs.

I feel sorry for you. Clearly you have nothing better to do in life than to be rude. Apparently YOU are not CAPABLE of participating in an adult conversation without resorting to child-like behavior. I feel sorry for your in-laws, if you even have any, which I seriously doubt.

[Anonymous]

Your mom was living with you and your DH. Maybe your MIL thought that you would be more comfortable if she did not come to her son's house, while his MIL was living in his house. Maybe she felt that her coming over was an imposition when you were busy looking after your mom.

She came and visited your mom when your mom was alive. Why are you holding a grudge if she did not come when your mom died? I think you have to be a bigger person and let it go. Be thankful for whatever kindness anyone showed your mom during her life and let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I cannot believe how similar our stories are.

My mom died suddenly last summer. She and I were extremely close and her death destroyed me. Neither my FIL or MIL reached out to me in any way, at all. Neither attended her funeral or sent flowers or an email or a text or a note - not to me, my dad, or my brother. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Two weeks after her death, they left a plant from Costco on our doorstep with a card addressed to my kids. Not to me.

A month after her death, MIL sent me an email giving me "permission to grieve" and reassuring me that I should know that she thinks my mother loved me. Uh, thanks, but I'm all set in that department. I'm pretty clear on how my mom and I felt about one another. I didn't reply to her email other than to send a relatively terse "thank you for your sympathies" type email, so the next day she started leaving me messages at work telling me to call her to talk. I asked DH to tell her to leave me alone - I was in no mood to deal with her - and she stopped calling.

MIL finally expressed her sympathies, in person, several months later (to be fair, it was the first time I saw her, even though she lives locally). FIL has literally NEVER said a word to me about my mom or her death, ever. Not once! It is mind boggling.


I can't tell you how much this hurt me and the tremendous damage it did to our relationship. I did some counseling last year and it really helped. I was so angry and filled with just rage for the way they treated me and they way they ignored the death of one of the people I loved the most in the world. I just couldn't understand how they could snub me - and her - like that. Don't they care about me at all?

DH is appalled. He thinks it's terrible. He told his parents they really f'd up but they basically think they handled it ok - they said "well, you know how we get" or something along those lines. I am sorry if my mom's death made you sad but she's MY MOM and I get to play the sad card, not you.

After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

OP, you have my sympathies on several levels. I'm so sorry about your mom. I know that hideous pain, the ache and the emptiness and the crushing blow when you realize she's gone. I am so, so sorry. It will get better, a little, day by day. It's never going to be ok, but it will be tolerable, I guess. I'm a year out. The anniversary was awful, but I feel better now that we're past it.

I'm so sorry about your ILs. They are wrong and they are pathetic and you have to just hold your head up high. Don't forget, and don't forgive, but just keep on moving and leave that baggage out in the hall.

Op here- Thank you for sharing, it helped a lot. After reading all of the responses, I have decided to just let it go. It won't kill me to be cordial to them. I just expected more, since I've seen them do more for others who have lost a loved ones (at least a call or card). It has not been a secret that my mother did want a funeral. She made this perfectly clear to everyone, as she did not want people/family blaming me for not having a memorial service or funeral after she was gone. I agree that some people are just not "capable" of giving more, for whatever reason. It just hurts. I am actually so tired of being angry, it takes a lot of energy. Perhaps, the anger is replacing some sadness that I wish to suppress. Your post has helped me to see that I just need to move on. Thank you!

I am sorry for your loss, but if you follow this posters advice to not forget and not forgive , you will end up in an emotional hell of your own making. People handle things poorly, people have issues , people do things differently.Maybe there are secery mad at you forn not having a funeral despite your mothers wishes. No disrespect OP, but being mad at these people is not going to bring your mother back.

[Anonymous]

Op, I guess I'm in the minority but I think what your MIL did is inexcusable. I would not be able to have the same relationship with her anymore. Her apology does not cut it in my opinion. You have to have a polite relationship with her Bc of the kids but beyond that I'd have a hard time trusting, confiding in her. To not acknowledge your loss??? Insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I guess I'm in the minority but I think what your MIL did is inexcusable. I would not be able to have the same relationship with her anymore. Her apology does not cut it in my opinion. You have to have a polite relationship with her Bc of the kids but beyond that I'd have a hard time trusting, confiding in her. To not acknowledge your loss??? Insane.

I agree with this. I think what she did was really shitty, and would have trouble mainlining the same level of relationship with her. I know you will have to involve her because of the kids, but don't let the PP make you think you are in the wrong to be hurt and disappointed because you are grieving.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry for your loss. My mother died around the same time. When your mother dies, you rethink you life (along with being very sad). The cards and letters you did not get from the in-laws is not that important, but you may see things about them you did not see before. It could be that they are just not socially adept, or it could be they are a bit callous. Your moms request for no funeral may have been confusing to them as well. It takes time to greive and it is a very important passage in life. Again, I am sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

You sound so high maintenance and a pain in the fucking ass. I feel sorry for your ILs.

Wow. You need to lash out at someone who is mourning their mother? You should be ashamed of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

You sound so high maintenance and a pain in the fucking ass. I feel sorry for your ILs.

Wow. You need to lash out at someone who is mourning their mother? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yes, it was extremely high maintenance and a pain in the ass of me to expect that my ILs of 15 years might actually acknowledge the death of my mother. Which, by the way, one of them still hasn't done almost 13 months later. I am so high maintenance!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

You sound so high maintenance and a pain in the fucking ass. I feel sorry for your ILs.

Wow. You need to lash out at someone who is mourning their mother? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yes, it was extremely high maintenance and a pain in the ass of me to expect that my ILs of 15 years might actually acknowledge the death of my mother. Which, by the way, one of them still hasn't done almost 13 months later. I am so high maintenance!

Here's the thing: To YOU, that doesn't seem high maintenance at all. Me? I'm terrible at acknowledging stuff -- I have been carrying a sympathy card around for more than 6 weeks now for the family of a former colleague who died, and I just can't seem to write the darn thing and get it mailed. And if the situation were reversed, I can't imagine I'd pay attention to who acknowledged my mom's death and who didn't. Whatever acknowledgement I received, I'd feel touched, but I just wouldn't be thinking of who was out there who might acknowledge it and keeping track of whether they actually did or not. So to me, that does seem high-maintenance.

If your in-laws think the way you do -- if your MIL would be pissed if her sister died & you didn't send a card or something -- then it's fair to read something into their behavior. But if your in-laws are like me, and wouldn't expect anything from you, then I don't think it's fair to read much into their failure to reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

You sound so high maintenance and a pain in the fucking ass. I feel sorry for your ILs.

Wow. You need to lash out at someone who is mourning their mother? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yes, it was extremely high maintenance and a pain in the ass of me to expect that my ILs of 15 years might actually acknowledge the death of my mother. Which, by the way, one of them still hasn't done almost 13 months later. I am so high maintenance!

Here's the thing: To YOU, that doesn't seem high maintenance at all. Me? I'm terrible at acknowledging stuff -- I have been carrying a sympathy card around for more than 6 weeks now for the family of a former colleague who died, and I just can't seem to write the darn thing and get it mailed. And if the situation were reversed, I can't imagine I'd pay attention to who acknowledged my mom's death and who didn't. Whatever acknowledgement I received, I'd feel touched, but I just wouldn't be thinking of who was out there who might acknowledge it and keeping track of whether they actually did or not. So to me, that does seem high-maintenance.

Well, I've been there and I've been through it myself so I know firsthand how it feels. I'm not the OP. I didn't get an apology from my ILs or an acknowledgment that perhaps they might have done things differently if they had a second chance.

Trust me when I say that I was floored and touched by the lovely gestures from people I know, both close friends and mere acquaintances, in the moments after my mom's death and all the way now a year later. I have been so moved by the love I felt from so many people. And honestly, any display of thoughtfulness from ANYONE was and is super appreciated. Like if you sat on that card to your work colleague's family for another 6 months and finally got around to mailing it then, I bet they'd be delighted and moved to get it at that time. They'd probably be happy to know that someone was thinking of their family member, even so many months after his death, and took the time to sit down and put pen to paper. You can write almost ANYTHING in that card and they will be grateful. It helps to hear that someone out there is thinking of you and acknowledging the loss of someone you loved. That's all. So that's why it hurts like hell when your ILs - your chosen family - never do or say anything to express their sympathies to you, at all.

Are you really, honestly saying that it would be ok with you if your ILs never ever spoke to you of your mother's death? Never said "I'm sorry" or "how are you holding up?" or "how's your dad?" - nothing? If that's true, then I'm totally wrong. But I'd be astounded if you - or anyone - would really be cool with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

You sound so high maintenance and a pain in the fucking ass. I feel sorry for your ILs.

Wow. You need to lash out at someone who is mourning their mother? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yes, it was extremely high maintenance and a pain in the ass of me to expect that my ILs of 15 years might actually acknowledge the death of my mother. Which, by the way, one of them still hasn't done almost 13 months later. I am so high maintenance!

Here's the thing: To YOU, that doesn't seem high maintenance at all. Me? I'm terrible at acknowledging stuff -- I have been carrying a sympathy card around for more than 6 weeks now for the family of a former colleague who died, and I just can't seem to write the darn thing and get it mailed. And if the situation were reversed, I can't imagine I'd pay attention to who acknowledged my mom's death and who didn't. Whatever acknowledgement I received, I'd feel touched, but I just wouldn't be thinking of who was out there who might acknowledge it and keeping track of whether they actually did or not. So to me, that does seem high-maintenance.

Well, I've been there and I've been through it myself so I know firsthand how it feels. I'm not the OP. I didn't get an apology from my ILs or an acknowledgment that perhaps they might have done things differently if they had a second chance.

Trust me when I say that I was floored and touched by the lovely gestures from people I know, both close friends and mere acquaintances, in the moments after my mom's death and all the way now a year later. I have been so moved by the love I felt from so many people. And honestly, any display of thoughtfulness from ANYONE was and is super appreciated. Like if you sat on that card to your work colleague's family for another 6 months and finally got around to mailing it then, I bet they'd be delighted and moved to get it at that time. They'd probably be happy to know that someone was thinking of their family member, even so many months after his death, and took the time to sit down and put pen to paper. You can write almost ANYTHING in that card and they will be grateful. It helps to hear that someone out there is thinking of you and acknowledging the loss of someone you loved. That's all. So that's why it hurts like hell when your ILs - your chosen family - never do or say anything to express their sympathies to you, at all.

Are you really, honestly saying that it would be ok with you if your ILs never ever spoke to you of your mother's death? Never said "I'm sorry" or "how are you holding up?" or "how's your dad?" - nothing? If that's true, then I'm totally wrong. But I'd be astounded if you - or anyone - would really be cool with that.

Well, it's a moot point for me -- my husband's parents died before I met him. Not having parents-IL, and not having lost either parent (yet), it's very hard for me to project how I would feel. But my best guess is, really, that I wouldn't care. When people do reach out like that (whether it's a condolence card on my grandmother's death or birthday wishes on Facebook), if often makes me feel vaguely uncomfortable, so it's very hard for me to imagine that I'd actually be annoyed at anyone who *didn't* reach out.

People are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

You sound so high maintenance and a pain in the fucking ass. I feel sorry for your ILs.

Wow. You need to lash out at someone who is mourning their mother? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yes, it was extremely high maintenance and a pain in the ass of me to expect that my ILs of 15 years might actually acknowledge the death of my mother. Which, by the way, one of them still hasn't done almost 13 months later. I am so high maintenance!

Here's the thing: To YOU, that doesn't seem high maintenance at all. Me? I'm terrible at acknowledging stuff -- I have been carrying a sympathy card around for more than 6 weeks now for the family of a former colleague who died, and I just can't seem to write the darn thing and get it mailed. And if the situation were reversed, I can't imagine I'd pay attention to who acknowledged my mom's death and who didn't. Whatever acknowledgement I received, I'd feel touched, but I just wouldn't be thinking of who was out there who might acknowledge it and keeping track of whether they actually did or not. So to me, that does seem high-maintenance.

Well, I've been there and I've been through it myself so I know firsthand how it feels. I'm not the OP. I didn't get an apology from my ILs or an acknowledgment that perhaps they might have done things differently if they had a second chance.

Trust me when I say that I was floored and touched by the lovely gestures from people I know, both close friends and mere acquaintances, in the moments after my mom's death and all the way now a year later. I have been so moved by the love I felt from so many people. And honestly, any display of thoughtfulness from ANYONE was and is super appreciated. Like if you sat on that card to your work colleague's family for another 6 months and finally got around to mailing it then, I bet they'd be delighted and moved to get it at that time. They'd probably be happy to know that someone was thinking of their family member, even so many months after his death, and took the time to sit down and put pen to paper. You can write almost ANYTHING in that card and they will be grateful. It helps to hear that someone out there is thinking of you and acknowledging the loss of someone you loved. That's all. So that's why it hurts like hell when your ILs - your chosen family - never do or say anything to express their sympathies to you, at all.

Are you really, honestly saying that it would be ok with you if your ILs never ever spoke to you of your mother's death? Never said "I'm sorry" or "how are you holding up?" or "how's your dad?" - nothing? If that's true, then I'm totally wrong. But I'd be astounded if you - or anyone - would really be cool with that.

Different pp here.
My FIL(that I can recall) has never said anything to me about my father's death last year. My MIL did, but i cannot recall ever having a conversation with FIL about it. It just does not bother me. I know that people handle these things very differently, sometimes it causes people to be paralyzed into inaction. Honestly, tho, I just don't expect people to do what I do. I just don't. If someone actually did something TO me, that I would take personally. But, the fact that they spent time with the woman BEFORE she died, then apologized when told that that their inaction after death was hurtful, that would mean something to me. You just cannot make people handle things the way you do -- you just cannot. You have to tell people what you want and need and go from there. But you have to be willing to extend to others the grace you would want when you don't handle the things the way THEY want. I'm sorry for your loss OP, but it really seems more about your feelings of loss than them doing something unforgivable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

You sound so high maintenance and a pain in the fucking ass. I feel sorry for your ILs.

Wow. You need to lash out at someone who is mourning their mother? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yes, it was extremely high maintenance and a pain in the ass of me to expect that my ILs of 15 years might actually acknowledge the death of my mother. Which, by the way, one of them still hasn't done almost 13 months later. I am so high maintenance!

Here's the thing: To YOU, that doesn't seem high maintenance at all. Me? I'm terrible at acknowledging stuff -- I have been carrying a sympathy card around for more than 6 weeks now for the family of a former colleague who died, and I just can't seem to write the darn thing and get it mailed. And if the situation were reversed, I can't imagine I'd pay attention to who acknowledged my mom's death and who didn't. Whatever acknowledgement I received, I'd feel touched, but I just wouldn't be thinking of who was out there who might acknowledge it and keeping track of whether they actually did or not. So to me, that does seem high-maintenance.

Well, I've been there and I've been through it myself so I know firsthand how it feels. I'm not the OP. I didn't get an apology from my ILs or an acknowledgment that perhaps they might have done things differently if they had a second chance.

Trust me when I say that I was floored and touched by the lovely gestures from people I know, both close friends and mere acquaintances, in the moments after my mom's death and all the way now a year later. I have been so moved by the love I felt from so many people. And honestly, any display of thoughtfulness from ANYONE was and is super appreciated. Like if you sat on that card to your work colleague's family for another 6 months and finally got around to mailing it then, I bet they'd be delighted and moved to get it at that time. They'd probably be happy to know that someone was thinking of their family member, even so many months after his death, and took the time to sit down and put pen to paper. You can write almost ANYTHING in that card and they will be grateful. It helps to hear that someone out there is thinking of you and acknowledging the loss of someone you loved. That's all. So that's why it hurts like hell when your ILs - your chosen family - never do or say anything to express their sympathies to you, at all.

Are you really, honestly saying that it would be ok with you if your ILs never ever spoke to you of your mother's death? Never said "I'm sorry" or "how are you holding up?" or "how's your dad?" - nothing? If that's true, then I'm totally wrong. But I'd be astounded if you - or anyone - would really be cool with that.

OP, reading over these responses it is clear that most of these posters have never had a death of a close family member. They seem to think it is like forgetting a thank you note for a 3 year old BD party. They are so immature that they do not even know it. Loosing your mom -- one of the worst moments ever. People who are family and can't acknowledge your loss -- something is wrong with them, or they are so selfish that they can't see past themselves. Inexcusable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

You sound so high maintenance and a pain in the fucking ass. I feel sorry for your ILs.

Wow. You need to lash out at someone who is mourning their mother? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yes, it was extremely high maintenance and a pain in the ass of me to expect that my ILs of 15 years might actually acknowledge the death of my mother. Which, by the way, one of them still hasn't done almost 13 months later. I am so high maintenance!

Here's the thing: To YOU, that doesn't seem high maintenance at all. Me? I'm terrible at acknowledging stuff -- I have been carrying a sympathy card around for more than 6 weeks now for the family of a former colleague who died, and I just can't seem to write the darn thing and get it mailed. And if the situation were reversed, I can't imagine I'd pay attention to who acknowledged my mom's death and who didn't. Whatever acknowledgement I received, I'd feel touched, but I just wouldn't be thinking of who was out there who might acknowledge it and keeping track of whether they actually did or not. So to me, that does seem high-maintenance.

Well, I've been there and I've been through it myself so I know firsthand how it feels. I'm not the OP. I didn't get an apology from my ILs or an acknowledgment that perhaps they might have done things differently if they had a second chance.

Trust me when I say that I was floored and touched by the lovely gestures from people I know, both close friends and mere acquaintances, in the moments after my mom's death and all the way now a year later. I have been so moved by the love I felt from so many people. And honestly, any display of thoughtfulness from ANYONE was and is super appreciated. Like if you sat on that card to your work colleague's family for another 6 months and finally got around to mailing it then, I bet they'd be delighted and moved to get it at that time. They'd probably be happy to know that someone was thinking of their family member, even so many months after his death, and took the time to sit down and put pen to paper. You can write almost ANYTHING in that card and they will be grateful. It helps to hear that someone out there is thinking of you and acknowledging the loss of someone you loved. That's all. So that's why it hurts like hell when your ILs - your chosen family - never do or say anything to express their sympathies to you, at all.

Are you really, honestly saying that it would be ok with you if your ILs never ever spoke to you of your mother's death? Never said "I'm sorry" or "how are you holding up?" or "how's your dad?" - nothing? If that's true, then I'm totally wrong. But I'd be astounded if you - or anyone - would really be cool with that.

OP, reading over these responses it is clear that most of these posters have never had a death of a close family member. They seem to think it is like forgetting a thank you note for a 3 year old BD party. They are so immature that they do not even know it. Loosing your mom -- one of the worst moments ever. People who are family and can't acknowledge your loss -- something is wrong with them, or they are so selfish that they can't see past themselves. Inexcusable.

Seriously -- I am a previous poster who thinks that this is something that you can get past and would have some modicum of understanding.
do you really think you have the market cornered on loss -- seriously????
You want to know what I have lost:

4 pregnancies
a father
a grandmother
a grandmother in law
a grandfather in law

All I loved AND LOST
Poster -- I understand pain, but you seem to think that your personal pain is a permission slip to tell how other people should handle theirs.
Have a seat!