Rude In-Laws

[Anonymous]

Yes, it was extremely high maintenance and a pain in the ass of me to expect that my ILs of 15 years might actually acknowledge the death of my mother. Which, by the way, one of them still hasn't done almost 13 months later. I am so high maintenance!


Here's the thing: To YOU, that doesn't seem high maintenance at all. Me? I'm terrible at acknowledging stuff -- I have been carrying a sympathy card around for more than 6 weeks now for the family of a former colleague who died, and I just can't seem to write the darn thing and get it mailed. And if the situation were reversed, I can't imagine I'd pay attention to who acknowledged my mom's death and who didn't. Whatever acknowledgement I received, I'd feel touched, but I just wouldn't be thinking of who was out there who might acknowledge it and keeping track of whether they actually did or not. So to me, that does seem high-maintenance.

Well, I've been there and I've been through it myself so I know firsthand how it feels. I'm not the OP. I didn't get an apology from my ILs or an acknowledgment that perhaps they might have done things differently if they had a second chance.

Trust me when I say that I was floored and touched by the lovely gestures from people I know, both close friends and mere acquaintances, in the moments after my mom's death and all the way now a year later. I have been so moved by the love I felt from so many people. And honestly, any display of thoughtfulness from ANYONE was and is super appreciated. Like if you sat on that card to your work colleague's family for another 6 months and finally got around to mailing it then, I bet they'd be delighted and moved to get it at that time. They'd probably be happy to know that someone was thinking of their family member, even so many months after his death, and took the time to sit down and put pen to paper. You can write almost ANYTHING in that card and they will be grateful. It helps to hear that someone out there is thinking of you and acknowledging the loss of someone you loved. That's all. So that's why it hurts like hell when your ILs - your chosen family - never do or say anything to express their sympathies to you, at all.

Are you really, honestly saying that it would be ok with you if your ILs never ever spoke to you of your mother's death? Never said "I'm sorry" or "how are you holding up?" or "how's your dad?" - nothing? If that's true, then I'm totally wrong. But I'd be astounded if you - or anyone - would really be cool with that.

OP, reading over these responses it is clear that most of these posters have never had a death of a close family member. They seem to think it is like forgetting a thank you note for a 3 year old BD party. They are so immature that they do not even know it. Loosing your mom -- one of the worst moments ever. People who are family and can't acknowledge your loss -- something is wrong with them, or they are so selfish that they can't see past themselves. Inexcusable.

I lost my father and two brothers to suicide. The first happened when I was 20. Since then, I’ve lost my stepfather and both my ILs. If that's not enough 'death cred’, I don't know what is.

You are self-centered. Perhaps because I’ve had so much unfortunate life experience, I’m more understanding and forgiving than you and the OP. I understand that people have complicated or unexpected reactions to situations. What one person expects, another may abhor. What you would naturally do may not even occur to someone else. What’s a big deal to you isn’t a big deal to others. These are a few of the reasons why, if you have an expectation of someone, you need to be clear about it.

I remember well how very kind some people were after the deaths in my family, especially the suicides. Some people didn’t acknowledge the deaths, for whatever reason, but I never held it against them. It’s not like they were doing something to me or taking something from me. Keeping a tally of who met your unspoken expectation and being angry at those who didn’t isn’t just immature, it’s damaging to you. I hope you understand that someday.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

You sound so high maintenance and a pain in the fucking ass. I feel sorry for your ILs.

Wow. You need to lash out at someone who is mourning their mother? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yes, it was extremely high maintenance and a pain in the ass of me to expect that my ILs of 15 years might actually acknowledge the death of my mother. Which, by the way, one of them still hasn't done almost 13 months later. I am so high maintenance!

Here's the thing: To YOU, that doesn't seem high maintenance at all. Me? I'm terrible at acknowledging stuff -- I have been carrying a sympathy card around for more than 6 weeks now for the family of a former colleague who died, and I just can't seem to write the darn thing and get it mailed. And if the situation were reversed, I can't imagine I'd pay attention to who acknowledged my mom's death and who didn't. Whatever acknowledgement I received, I'd feel touched, but I just wouldn't be thinking of who was out there who might acknowledge it and keeping track of whether they actually did or not. So to me, that does seem high-maintenance.

Well, I've been there and I've been through it myself so I know firsthand how it feels. I'm not the OP. I didn't get an apology from my ILs or an acknowledgment that perhaps they might have done things differently if they had a second chance.

Trust me when I say that I was floored and touched by the lovely gestures from people I know, both close friends and mere acquaintances, in the moments after my mom's death and all the way now a year later. I have been so moved by the love I felt from so many people. And honestly, any display of thoughtfulness from ANYONE was and is super appreciated. Like if you sat on that card to your work colleague's family for another 6 months and finally got around to mailing it then, I bet they'd be delighted and moved to get it at that time. They'd probably be happy to know that someone was thinking of their family member, even so many months after his death, and took the time to sit down and put pen to paper. You can write almost ANYTHING in that card and they will be grateful. It helps to hear that someone out there is thinking of you and acknowledging the loss of someone you loved. That's all. So that's why it hurts like hell when your ILs - your chosen family - never do or say anything to express their sympathies to you, at all.

Are you really, honestly saying that it would be ok with you if your ILs never ever spoke to you of your mother's death? Never said "I'm sorry" or "how are you holding up?" or "how's your dad?" - nothing? If that's true, then I'm totally wrong. But I'd be astounded if you - or anyone - would really be cool with that.

Different pp here.
My FIL(that I can recall) has never said anything to me about my father's death last year. My MIL did, but i cannot recall ever having a conversation with FIL about it. It just does not bother me. I know that people handle these things very differently, sometimes it causes people to be paralyzed into inaction. Honestly, tho, I just don't expect people to do what I do. I just don't. If someone actually did something TO me, that I would take personally. But, the fact that they spent time with the woman BEFORE she died, then apologized when told that that their inaction after death was hurtful, that would mean something to me. You just cannot make people handle things the way you do -- you just cannot. You have to tell people what you want and need and go from there. But you have to be willing to extend to others the grace you would want when you don't handle the things the way THEY want. I'm sorry for your loss OP, but it really seems more about your feelings of loss than them doing something unforgivable.

+1

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

You sound so high maintenance and a pain in the fucking ass. I feel sorry for your ILs.

Wow. You need to lash out at someone who is mourning their mother? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yes, it was extremely high maintenance and a pain in the ass of me to expect that my ILs of 15 years might actually acknowledge the death of my mother. Which, by the way, one of them still hasn't done almost 13 months later. I am so high maintenance!

Here's the thing: To YOU, that doesn't seem high maintenance at all. Me? I'm terrible at acknowledging stuff -- I have been carrying a sympathy card around for more than 6 weeks now for the family of a former colleague who died, and I just can't seem to write the darn thing and get it mailed. And if the situation were reversed, I can't imagine I'd pay attention to who acknowledged my mom's death and who didn't. Whatever acknowledgement I received, I'd feel touched, but I just wouldn't be thinking of who was out there who might acknowledge it and keeping track of whether they actually did or not. So to me, that does seem high-maintenance.

Well, I've been there and I've been through it myself so I know firsthand how it feels. I'm not the OP. I didn't get an apology from my ILs or an acknowledgment that perhaps they might have done things differently if they had a second chance.

Trust me when I say that I was floored and touched by the lovely gestures from people I know, both close friends and mere acquaintances, in the moments after my mom's death and all the way now a year later. I have been so moved by the love I felt from so many people. And honestly, any display of thoughtfulness from ANYONE was and is super appreciated. Like if you sat on that card to your work colleague's family for another 6 months and finally got around to mailing it then, I bet they'd be delighted and moved to get it at that time. They'd probably be happy to know that someone was thinking of their family member, even so many months after his death, and took the time to sit down and put pen to paper. You can write almost ANYTHING in that card and they will be grateful. It helps to hear that someone out there is thinking of you and acknowledging the loss of someone you loved. That's all. So that's why it hurts like hell when your ILs - your chosen family - never do or say anything to express their sympathies to you, at all.

Are you really, honestly saying that it would be ok with you if your ILs never ever spoke to you of your mother's death? Never said "I'm sorry" or "how are you holding up?" or "how's your dad?" - nothing? If that's true, then I'm totally wrong. But I'd be astounded if you - or anyone - would really be cool with that.

OP, reading over these responses it is clear that most of these posters have never had a death of a close family member. They seem to think it is like forgetting a thank you note for a 3 year old BD party. They are so immature that they do not even know it. Loosing your mom -- one of the worst moments ever. People who are family and can't acknowledge your loss -- something is wrong with them, or they are so selfish that they can't see past themselves. Inexcusable.

PP, you are very immature. I lost my mom a few months ago and it was crushing. Dredging up and holding onto all this anger and judging other people's reaction when a death occurs in fits of righteous anger is a path to a long, miserable life, not a happy one.

Several people have pointed out that it sounds like the OP seems to be in the clutches of grief and might benefit from grief counseling, but she has ignored these posts.

[Anonymous]

OP is coming around PP. She has not ignored the posts. See page three, bottom post. OP says she's ready to move on. There is another poster here (or more?) who are relating similar stories, not to be confused with OP (who hasn't posted nearly as much as those others).

[Anonymous]

I lost my brother a month ago to suicide. I was really hurt by supposedly close friends of mine who barely acknowledged his death. I didn't and won't say anything, but it has caused me more pain on top of that of losing my brother.

I say this for those people that are afraid of saying the wrong thing - please reach out to people when they lose someone. Even if it's just via card or email. All that you have to say is that you are sorry and thinking of them. It will be appreciated more than you think it will.

Sorry for your loss OP and everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost my brother a month ago to suicide. I was really hurt by supposedly close friends of mine who barely acknowledged his death. I didn't and won't say anything, but it has caused me more pain on top of that of losing my brother.

I say this for those people that are afraid of saying the wrong thing - please reach out to people when they lose someone. Even if it's just via card or email. All that you have to say is that you are sorry and thinking of them. It will be appreciated more than you think it will.

Sorry for your loss OP and everyone else.

I am so sorry about your loss OP. You give excellent advice about reaching out. I used to read a blog written by woman who was dying from cancer, she was very straightforward about how to help, what not to say, and what to do. I really try to follow her advice and be there for people. I have probably said my share of stupid things, but I hope they forgive me.

[Anonymous]

My mother died last year, and my ILs were and have been very good about it.

But one of my oldest friends--a guy I've known for 30 years who my mother *adored* and who she did many things for over the years--never has said a word about her death. Zilch. Zero.

I'll never say anything to him, but it makes me sad--for him.

I get all the PPs who go on and on about how they are paralyzed about what to say--but Christ, say something. It just isn't that hard. Put on your big girl pants and suck it up.