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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I cannot believe how similar our stories are.

My mom died suddenly last summer.  She and I were extremely close and her death destroyed me.  Neither my FIL or MIL reached out to me in any way, at all.  Neither attended her funeral or sent flowers or an email or a text or a note - not to me, my dad, or my brother. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Two weeks after her death, they left a plant from Costco on our doorstep with a card addressed to my kids. Not to me.

A month after her death, MIL sent me an email giving me "permission to grieve" and reassuring me that I should know that she thinks my mother loved me.  Uh, thanks, but I'm all set in that department.  I'm pretty clear on how my mom and I felt about one another.   I didn't reply to her email other than to send a relatively terse "thank you for your sympathies" type email, so the next day she started leaving me messages at work telling me to call her to talk.  I asked DH to tell her to leave me alone - I was in no mood to deal with her - and she stopped calling.

MIL finally expressed her sympathies, in person, several months later (to be fair, it was the first time I saw her, even though she lives locally).  FIL has literally NEVER said a word to me about my mom or her death, ever. Not once!  It is mind boggling.

I can't tell you how much this hurt me and the tremendous damage it did to our relationship.  I did some counseling last year and it really helped.  I was so angry and filled with just rage for the way they treated me and they way they ignored the death of one of the people I loved the most in the world.  I just couldn't understand how they could snub me - and her - like that.  Don't they care about me at all?

DH is appalled. He thinks it's terrible. He told his parents they really f'd up but they basically think they handled it ok - they said "well, you know how we get" or something along those lines. I am sorry if my mom's death made you sad but she's MY MOM and I get to play the sad card, not you.

After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people.  They simply aren't capable of proper behavior.  It's shameful but it's them, not me.  Too bad for them.

OP, you have my sympathies on several levels. I'm so sorry about your mom. I know that hideous pain, the ache and the emptiness and the crushing blow when you realize she's gone.  I am so, so sorry.  It will get better, a little, day by day. It's never going to be ok, but it will be tolerable, I guess. I'm a year out.  The anniversary was awful, but I feel better now that we're past it.

I'm so sorry about your ILs. They are wrong and they are pathetic and you have to just hold your head up high. Don't forget, and don't forgive, but just keep on moving and leave that baggage out in the hall. 
 [/quote]

Op here-  Thank you for sharing, it helped a lot.  After reading all of the responses, I have decided to just let it go.  It won't kill me to be cordial to them.  I just expected more, since I've seen them do more for others who have lost a loved ones (at least a call or card).  It has not been a secret that my mother did want a funeral.  She  made this perfectly clear to everyone, as she did not want people/family blaming me for not having a memorial service or funeral after she was gone.  I agree that some people are just not "capable" of giving more, for whatever reason.  It just hurts.  I am actually so tired of being angry, it takes a lot of energy.  Perhaps, the anger is replacing some sadness that I wish to suppress.  Your post has helped me to see that I just need to move on.  Thank you![/quote] I am sorry for your loss, but if you follow this posters advice to not forget and not forgive , you will end up in an emotional hell of your own making. People handle things poorly, people have issues , people do things differently.Maybe there are secery mad at you forn not having a funeral despite your mothers wishes. No disrespect OP, but being mad at these people is not going to bring your mother back. [/quote]

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