Rude In-Laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Yes she did apologize and there was no funeral, as my mother made me vow not to have one, and this request was also in her will. What I did do is send out a memorial book with pictures of her over the years, obituary, etc. to family and friends, including my MIL and SIL.

Thanks for the feedback. If I am being ridiculous, I want to know, and maybe I am. It just hurts so much to lose my mother and not have the support I expected to receive. If I am being crazy, then I need to find a way to move forward, and it sounds like that is the consensus here.

It's not ridiculous to be hurt by their behavior, but it is ridiculous to hold it against them. Your MIL did what she thought was best at the time--and what she could handle at the time--and it sounds like she apologized.

Now you probably do need some space from them for a little while, but you need to find a way to let it go. Be sure you're not taking your grief out through your reaction to your MIL's (or anyone's) behavior.

Is DH doing more at his parents house than he used too? Is it a case where he's tackling a backlog of projects that got delayed because of your mother's illness? Or just normal? I think it's ok to ask him to be around for you a bit more, but not necessarily to specifically call out his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Yes she did apologize and there was no funeral, as my mother made me vow not to have one, and this request was also in her will. What I did do is send out a memorial book with pictures of her over the years, obituary, etc. to family and friends, including my MIL and SIL.

Thanks for the feedback. If I am being ridiculous, I want to know, and maybe I am. It just hurts so much to lose my mother and not have the support I expected to receive. If I am being crazy, then I need to find a way to move forward, and it sounds like that is the consensus here.

You are not being crazy but I think your anger at the situation is getting tangled with your anger experienced in grieving (again totally normal) and they keep going around and around in a viscous cycle in your head. Its probably holding you back from moving forward with grieving in other ways and getting to a new place or a new normal. I know it seems hard to see in yourself, but I have known people who have held on to a lot of anger in the wake of a death, even though it is hurting them to do so, because in some way it feels like letting go of that anger means really letting go of that person who is gone.

You are NOT letting go of your mother NOR are you betraying her by getting to a place of forgiveness for your MIL. I promise.

Its hard and I am sorry for your loss. Your DH could be collateral damage in all of this if you take it out on him. He will probably understand somewhat, but if you really make him the target of your anger then he has the right to push back.

[Anonymous]

I am one of those people who is paralyzed by fear of saying or doing the wrong thing when someone dies. I know that people want to have their loss acknowledged, but I fear that I will inadvertently say the wrong thing and cause them more pain. I know this is irrational and, in all honesty, a selfish response to the situation, but it is very real.

I only post this to let you know that you MIL may not have had any ill intent. If she came over and sat with your mother, and supported you and your DH generally in caring for your mom, that is what you need to focus on.

Your anger at her is misplaced. Please try to get over this and move forward with her. I feel that you both owe each other an apology. Her for not being available to you during your grief, and you for attacking her afterwards.

Good luck and hugs! I am sure that your mother wouldn't want her death to be the cause of continued ill will between your kids and their grandmother.

[Anonymous]

OP, I cannot believe how similar our stories are.

My mom died suddenly last summer. She and I were extremely close and her death destroyed me. Neither my FIL or MIL reached out to me in any way, at all. Neither attended her funeral or sent flowers or an email or a text or a note - not to me, my dad, or my brother. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Two weeks after her death, they left a plant from Costco on our doorstep with a card addressed to my kids. Not to me.

A month after her death, MIL sent me an email giving me "permission to grieve" and reassuring me that I should know that she thinks my mother loved me. Uh, thanks, but I'm all set in that department. I'm pretty clear on how my mom and I felt about one another. I didn't reply to her email other than to send a relatively terse "thank you for your sympathies" type email, so the next day she started leaving me messages at work telling me to call her to talk. I asked DH to tell her to leave me alone - I was in no mood to deal with her - and she stopped calling.

MIL finally expressed her sympathies, in person, several months later (to be fair, it was the first time I saw her, even though she lives locally). FIL has literally NEVER said a word to me about my mom or her death, ever. Not once! It is mind boggling.

I can't tell you how much this hurt me and the tremendous damage it did to our relationship. I did some counseling last year and it really helped. I was so angry and filled with just rage for the way they treated me and they way they ignored the death of one of the people I loved the most in the world. I just couldn't understand how they could snub me - and her - like that. Don't they care about me at all?

DH is appalled. He thinks it's terrible. He told his parents they really f'd up but they basically think they handled it ok - they said "well, you know how we get" or something along those lines. I am sorry if my mom's death made you sad but she's MY MOM and I get to play the sad card, not you.

After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

OP, you have my sympathies on several levels. I'm so sorry about your mom. I know that hideous pain, the ache and the emptiness and the crushing blow when you realize she's gone. I am so, so sorry. It will get better, a little, day by day. It's never going to be ok, but it will be tolerable, I guess. I'm a year out. The anniversary was awful, but I feel better now that we're past it.

I'm so sorry about your ILs. They are wrong and they are pathetic and you have to just hold your head up high. Don't forget, and don't forgive, but just keep on moving and leave that baggage out in the hall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Yes she did apologize and there was no funeral, as my mother made me vow not to have one, and this request was also in her will. What I did do is send out a memorial book with pictures of her over the years, obituary, etc. to family and friends, including my MIL and SIL.

Thanks for the feedback. If I am being ridiculous, I want to know, and maybe I am. It just hurts so much to lose my mother and not have the support I expected to receive. If I am being crazy, then I need to find a way to move forward, and it sounds like that is the consensus here.

Is it possible this influenced their behavior?

This is a very unusual arrangement, and perhaps it threw them off and they thought just stepping back was the best thing to do.

I wouldn't necessarily assume the worst given the unusual wishes of your mother.

There wasn't a funeral, so personally, I think it makes sense that your ILs thought that maybe you wanted to have space, and maybe you didn't want people contacting you. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Your MIL apologized and both your MIL and SIL did things for your mom when she was very sick. When a loved one dies, some people take that grief and (unintentionally) turn that grief into anger towards someone. I think that you're overreacting regarding your ILs. I'm sorry about your mother.

[Anonymous]

If I was dealing with my mother's death, I wouldn't want people calling me and reminding me of it all the time. I would need my space because I would probably burst into tears every time she was mentioned. Maybe your MIL and SIL thought they were doing the right thing and giving you some space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was dealing with my mother's death, I wouldn't want people calling me and reminding me of it all the time. I would need my space because I would probably burst into tears every time she was mentioned. Maybe your MIL and SIL thought they were doing the right thing and giving you some space.

It's not a reminder when you already can't stop thinking about it. I get wanting space and privacy - that's why most grieving people don't answer the phone - so don't call, but send a note or an email or flowers for god's sake. It's common courtesy.

[Anonymous]

I'd be very hurt by their coldness and distance, but I've learned that my MIL/FIL/SIL behavior towards me doesn't have the same impact on my DH. He doesn't expect me to go on as if things were the same, but he keeps being a good son to them, seemingly no matter what barbs they throw at me. It stings me, but I will not allow them to create conflict between me and my DH. My DH respects that I need fewer visits with them and also understands that I have reservations about our kids' relationship with ILs. They think time will heal wounds, but I have a wall up and pretending things didn't happen isn't going to change that. In your case, you did get an apology, but I have not received that even though DH told them that might help. Despite the apology, I totally understand your feelings - now you know where you stand with them, and anyone would have reservations about "family" that would not acknowledge your grief in some way.

[Anonymous]

In no way does this excuse the ILs behavior, but maybe having the mother die makes the ILs think too much re their own morality. Some people think of how short life is and take the attitude "seize the day" and tell their loved ones every day every chance they get I love you. Others think of their morality and freak out. If ILs are close in age to OPs mother, maybe they think, crap, I'm next, and just freeze up.

I can totally see my FIL completely ignoring me if one of my parents passes away. He's a bit weird, and doesn't do anything that makes him uncomfortable, so a bit selfish I guess. My MIL would be complete opposite, over the top, tell me repeatedly she's there for me, that she can be my new mom, etc. it's just amazing how people react during deaths. OP, so sorry for your loss, try to put the hurt re your ILs behind you. You've been through so much pain lately, letting this go could possibly relieve of a burden. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was dealing with my mother's death, I wouldn't want people calling me and reminding me of it all the time. I would need my space because I would probably burst into tears every time she was mentioned. Maybe your MIL and SIL thought they were doing the right thing and giving you some space.

It's not a reminder when you already can't stop thinking about it. I get wanting space and privacy - that's why most grieving people don't answer the phone - so don't call, but send a note or an email or flowers for god's sake. It's common courtesy.

I am really not sure this would bother me. Grief makes you sensitive to everything. My father passed last year, my MIL was very supportive. I cannot remember hearing anything from my FIL. It never even crossed my radar. People react to death in a myriad of ways. Call/don't call, send email/email is too impersonal. If you don't tell people exactly what you want or need, some folks are flumoxed. Your real pain is in losing your mother, not your in-laws clumsy reaction to it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry for your loss.

I think that maybe you're angry that you lost your mom. Your MIL seems like a jerk and an easy target.

When my husband had cancer, I was FURIOUS at my sister. Not only did she never once email/call/write to see how we were handling it, she also told my dad I was a jerk since I only sent her an email for her birthday and didn't send her a present.

Sure, my sis was a jerk. But I think that I was angrier that my husband had cancer. It was easier to be angry at my dumb sister than to be angry at fate for letting my husband nearly die.

I just think you need to shelve your feelings for a while, and try not to talk to them for a bit. I think you'll feel differently in a year. If they do try to interact with you, I would repeat their own bullshit and say you "need space right now".

I really hope you feel better soon. I am sorry about your mother.

[Anonymous]

After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

You sound so high maintenance and a pain in the fucking ass. I feel sorry for your ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

You sound so high maintenance and a pain in the fucking ass. I feel sorry for your ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to let this go. Some people just don't handle things well. That doesn't mean they aren't good people.

Well said

+1 OP, I feel your distress, but your feelings are your problem, not the inlaws' problem.

I would have expected them to respond in the manner you expected them to. You mention your husband is not that close to them. That's a clue that something is off emotionally in that family. I encourage you to let go of this and treat them with kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I cannot believe how similar our stories are.

My mom died suddenly last summer. She and I were extremely close and her death destroyed me. Neither my FIL or MIL reached out to me in any way, at all. Neither attended her funeral or sent flowers or an email or a text or a note - not to me, my dad, or my brother. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Two weeks after her death, they left a plant from Costco on our doorstep with a card addressed to my kids. Not to me.

A month after her death, MIL sent me an email giving me "permission to grieve" and reassuring me that I should know that she thinks my mother loved me. Uh, thanks, but I'm all set in that department. I'm pretty clear on how my mom and I felt about one another. I didn't reply to her email other than to send a relatively terse "thank you for your sympathies" type email, so the next day she started leaving me messages at work telling me to call her to talk. I asked DH to tell her to leave me alone - I was in no mood to deal with her - and she stopped calling.

MIL finally expressed her sympathies, in person, several months later (to be fair, it was the first time I saw her, even though she lives locally). FIL has literally NEVER said a word to me about my mom or her death, ever. Not once! It is mind boggling.


I can't tell you how much this hurt me and the tremendous damage it did to our relationship. I did some counseling last year and it really helped. I was so angry and filled with just rage for the way they treated me and they way they ignored the death of one of the people I loved the most in the world. I just couldn't understand how they could snub me - and her - like that. Don't they care about me at all?

DH is appalled. He thinks it's terrible. He told his parents they really f'd up but they basically think they handled it ok - they said "well, you know how we get" or something along those lines. I am sorry if my mom's death made you sad but she's MY MOM and I get to play the sad card, not you.

After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

OP, you have my sympathies on several levels. I'm so sorry about your mom. I know that hideous pain, the ache and the emptiness and the crushing blow when you realize she's gone. I am so, so sorry. It will get better, a little, day by day. It's never going to be ok, but it will be tolerable, I guess. I'm a year out. The anniversary was awful, but I feel better now that we're past it.

I'm so sorry about your ILs. They are wrong and they are pathetic and you have to just hold your head up high. Don't forget, and don't forgive, but just keep on moving and leave that baggage out in the hall.

Op here- Thank you for sharing, it helped a lot. After reading all of the responses, I have decided to just let it go. It won't kill me to be cordial to them. I just expected more, since I've seen them do more for others who have lost a loved ones (at least a call or card). It has not been a secret that my mother did want a funeral. She made this perfectly clear to everyone, as she did not want people/family blaming me for not having a memorial service or funeral after she was gone. I agree that some people are just not "capable" of giving more, for whatever reason. It just hurts. I am actually so tired of being angry, it takes a lot of energy. Perhaps, the anger is replacing some sadness that I wish to suppress. Your post has helped me to see that I just need to move on. Thank you!