Would You Remain Married If You Didn't Have Kids Together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the first happy PP with five grown/nearly grown kids. This thread is one of the saddest I've ever read on dcum... And that says a lot!

Are there really that few of us who are happily married? Our children have given us immeasurable joy! I adore them! Being their mom has just been an amazing journey! But my husband is my life partner. My best friend in the world. The one I will grow old with. Time with our children is brief compared to the rest of our lives with our soul mate.

Seriously. Your kids will grow up and leave. It will happen faster than you can imagine. If you aren't nurturing the relationship with your spouse now,
you'll find there is no relationship once the kids are gone. There is no luck or magic trick. It takes hard work and a daily commitment to choose to love.

Love my kids, but my DH and I have always put our marriage first. 28 years and counting.....

My spouse lets me do all the heavy lifting with the house and kids. It has caused a deep rift in our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think having our kids made us stronger as a couple.

I think if you marry a friend and you are in love, that love will last. You also have to want the same things and want your relationship to last. A great marriage takes work and some people are lazy.

Cheaters and abusers do not fall into the above category.

Married 10 yrs.

You're right. My husband is lazy and we do not want the same things. When our children are gone, I want to travel and entertain and take classes. He wants to sleep 10 hours a night and drink a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the first happy PP with five grown/nearly grown kids. This thread is one of the saddest I've ever read on dcum... And that says a lot!

Are there really that few of us who are happily married? Our children have given us immeasurable joy! I adore them! Being their mom has just been an amazing journey! But my husband is my life partner. My best friend in the world. The one I will grow old with. Time with our children is brief compared to the rest of our lives with our soul mate.

Seriously. Your kids will grow up and leave. It will happen faster than you can imagine. If you aren't nurturing the relationship with your spouse now,
you'll find there is no relationship once the kids are gone. There is no luck or magic trick. It takes hard work and a daily commitment to choose to love.

Love my kids, but my DH and I have always put our marriage first. 28 years and counting.....

My spouse lets me do all the heavy lifting with the house and kids. It has caused a deep rift in our relationship.

May I say very gently - You are choosing that. If he truly will not help, then let it go. Find a way to get past the resentment and just love. My guess is that if you let go, cease with the nagging and passive aggressive behavior, he'll come around. And if not, what have you lost? If you are going to do everything by yourself, you might as well choose to do it in a loving way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks very much for the honest responses. My take from this is that this Anglo-American approach to marriage and family which we practice, while workable, is really flawed. It is very risky; it does not make you totally happy (emotionally, financially, and sexually) when kids are in the mix; and is really over-rated. While I like the stability of building a life together with someone, vacationing at will, and having crazy sex without worrying about kids, I am really wondering if it is worth the trouble of legally joining assets and all of that stuff. [/b]

Kudos to the ones who got it right and married your best friends and still remain tight despite parenting and temptations outside. For me who seems unlucky and doesn't fancy parenting at all, I will just stick to dating and the 'friend with benefits' scenario, so I don't live a life of total frustration, or have child support drama when I choose to go elsewhere and be happy.

DH here, the marriage effort is worth it if you want to have and raise healthy emotionally well balanced children. But if you don't want children, I agree that marriage is pointless.

For me, I would not be with DW except for the kids. I love her, we parent well, we get along great and enjoy each other's company, but we are more platonic than romantic. It's a great friendship, but I miss the sex. I wish her the best, but like most marriages the sex and passion has faded. I think most relationships run their course after about 4-10 years. Although we work on our relationship for the sake of the marriage and kids, why on earth would you work on something that would otherwise come easy in a new relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the first happy PP with five grown/nearly grown kids. This thread is one of the saddest I've ever read on dcum... And that says a lot!

Are there really that few of us who are happily married? Our children have given us immeasurable joy! I adore them! Being their mom has just been an amazing journey! But my husband is my life partner. My best friend in the world. The one I will grow old with. Time with our children is brief compared to the rest of our lives with our soul mate.

Seriously. Your kids will grow up and leave. It will happen faster than you can imagine. If you aren't nurturing the relationship with your spouse now,
you'll find there is no relationship once the kids are gone. There is no luck or magic trick. It takes hard work and a daily commitment to choose to love.

Love my kids, but my DH and I have always put our marriage first. 28 years and counting.....

My spouse lets me do all the heavy lifting with the house and kids. It has caused a deep rift in our relationship.

May I say very gently - You are choosing that. If he truly will not help, then let it go. Find a way to get past the resentment and just love. My guess is that if you let go, cease with the nagging and passive aggressive behavior, he'll come around. And if not, what have you lost? If you are going to do everything by yourself, you might as well choose to do it in a loving way.

I choose to resent him and cheat on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks very much for the honest responses. My take from this is that this Anglo-American approach to marriage and family which we practice, while workable, is really flawed. It is very risky; it does not make you totally happy (emotionally, financially, and sexually) when kids are in the mix; and is really over-rated. While I like the stability of building a life together with someone, vacationing at will, and having crazy sex without worrying about kids, I am really wondering if it is worth the trouble of legally joining assets and all of that stuff. [/b]

Kudos to the ones who got it right and married your best friends and still remain tight despite parenting and temptations outside. For me who seems unlucky and doesn't fancy parenting at all, I will just stick to dating and the 'friend with benefits' scenario, so I don't live a life of total frustration, or have child support drama when I choose to go elsewhere and be happy.

DH here, the marriage effort is worth it if you want to have and raise healthy emotionally well balanced children. But if you don't want children, I agree that marriage is pointless.

For me, I would not be with DW except for the kids. I love her, we parent well, we get along great and enjoy each other's company, but we are more platonic than romantic. It's a great friendship, but I miss the sex. I wish her the best, but like most marriages the sex and passion has faded. I think most relationships run their course after about 4-10 years. Although we work on our relationship for the sake of the marriage and kids, why on earth would you work on something that would otherwise come easy in a new relationship?

DW here married 18 years and I totally agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the first happy PP with five grown/nearly grown kids. This thread is one of the saddest I've ever read on dcum... And that says a lot!

Are there really that few of us who are happily married? Our children have given us immeasurable joy! I adore them! Being their mom has just been an amazing journey! But my husband is my life partner. My best friend in the world. The one I will grow old with. Time with our children is brief compared to the rest of our lives with our soul mate.

Seriously. Your kids will grow up and leave. It will happen faster than you can imagine. If you aren't nurturing the relationship with your spouse now,
you'll find there is no relationship once the kids are gone. There is no luck or magic trick. It takes hard work and a daily commitment to choose to love.

Love my kids, but my DH and I have always put our marriage first. 28 years and counting.....

My spouse lets me do all the heavy lifting with the house and kids. It has caused a deep rift in our relationship.

May I say very gently - You are choosing that. If he truly will not help, then let it go. Find a way to get past the resentment and just love. My guess is that if you let go, cease with the nagging and passive aggressive behavior, he'll come around. And if not, what have you lost? If you are going to do everything by yourself, you might as well choose to do it in a loving way.

No, actually, I make as much money as he does. If he doesn't start coming around, I'll leave him and find someone who will appreciate me (and I will never marry again and be a man's servant).

[Anonymous]

DH here: no. Marriage is where sex and passion go to die. It's good for stability and raising kids, but if you don't want kids marriage is pointless.

[Anonymous]

Sure. Our marriage was much happier before we had our kids, and we enjoy each other much more when we have brief get aways without kids.

[Anonymous]

What a sad thread. My DH and I have been together for 21 years, married for almost 13. We have 4 children and we're counting down to when we can be empty nesters! We continue to have a passionate and loving relationship.

[Anonymous]

This thread is sort of bizarre to me. Although our kids are great, and adorable, and the light of my life, they are probably "responsible" for about 75% of the tension in my marriage, and division of labor is responsible for 100% of the fights. It would be about 4x easier and (superficially) more enjoyable to be married without the kids.

(We been together for "only" 10 yrs and still have fairly regular sex for what that's worth though.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a sad thread. My DH and I have been together for 21 years, married for almost 13. We have 4 children and we're counting down to when we can be empty nesters! We continue to have a passionate and loving relationship.

I imagine you both contribute to planning dates, running the household, etc. Hard to hold the passion together when there's resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is sort of bizarre to me. Although our kids are great, and adorable, and the light of my life, they are probably "responsible" for about 75% of the tension in my marriage, and division of labor is responsible for 100% of the fights. It would be about 4x easier and (superficially) more enjoyable to be married without the kids.

(We been together for "only" 10 yrs and still have fairly regular sex for what that's worth though.)

Your division of labor must be overall fairly balanced or you wouldn't be having regular sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is sort of bizarre to me. Although our kids are great, and adorable, and the light of my life, they are probably "responsible" for about 75% of the tension in my marriage, and division of labor is responsible for 100% of the fights. It would be about 4x easier and (superficially) more enjoyable to be married without the kids.

(We been together for "only" 10 yrs and still have fairly regular sex for what that's worth though.)

If you are still having regular sex, your marriage is probably working fine. If you aren't having regular sex, you are probably where the rest of us are: not unhappy but wouldn't choose to continue to be married but for the kids.

[Anonymous]

The fireworks/madly-in-love/sex-twice-a-day thing rarely lasts forever, even when you don't have kids. If you need to always have that dynamic to a relationship, you might reconsider whether marriage is for you at all.

As for me, if we didn't have kids, I would absolutely stay married to him. When we occasionally get a day without the kids, even if we're just running errands or working on the house, I'm reminded of just how much fun we have together and how much I love being with him.