Would You Remain Married If You Didn't Have Kids Together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My answer is yes, I'd remain married, but I agree with some PPs that this is a depressing thread.

We have four kids; three are grown and one heads off to college in a couple of years. After 25+ years with my DH, we're still very much in love & enjoy an active sex life. He's my best friend, cliched as that sounds.

I tend to think of myself as a hedonist in many respects, but I guess compared to some others I wouldn't even register. I don't expect to have earth-shattering, passionate sex for the rest of my life, but the warmth & intimacy of our lovemaking is wonderful for both of us.

I wonder if as many people in the real world feel the way DCUMers do.

50% of marriages end in divorce, and my guess is at least half of marriages that stay the duration are functional but not very fun. Then consider that BOTH halves of the couple need to be happy, i.e. one spouse is happy with sex or lack thereof and the other isn't. So it should be no surprise that most people wouldn't stay if the kids weren't in the picture.

Signed, a DH who would is in a functional marriage with a great wife who has almost no sex drive and I would be gone in a heartbeat if we didn't have kids.

My wife actually said that marrying me was the best decision she ever made. But to be truthful, if we didn't have kids I would be gone. I hate this idea of sympathy sex for the rest of my life. Count me as one who would be gone if we didn't have the DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Ah but you're missing the point. Having someone to grow old with = great. It's not what the PP is saying though. Sexual variety is exciting. Having sex with the same person forever is not. It's fine, it's its own closeness, but it's not exciting. And this is really why there's so many sexless marriages. Sex with the same person gets boring. And boredom comes easily enough without having to do work to achieve it. When it comes down to it (and I'm not in a sexless marriage but I can easily see how it happens), sometimes it's not worth it to put in the effort to do something that is really pretty boring. This is why if I didn't want to have kids I wouldn't have gotten married. I love our family and our life so I accept that sex has lost that electric luster it had when I was single and fucking a new guy for the first time. As long as I'm married, I won't experience that ever again. For my kids and our family and our life, I accept that. If kids weren't in the picture? Hell no. It sounds like I'm saying I don't love my husband but I'm not. I'm just saying, I accept the drawbacks to marriage and monogamy because of what I gain from the family and marriage. Without those benefits, what's the point of signing on for the drudgery?

Thanks for clearing that up for me.

But do you think if you didn't have kids, that maybe the sex wouldn't have lost that electric luster? Since kids/family brings on a whole new dynamic to a relationship? No kids means more time to do your own thing and maybe keep that spark alive?

I don't have kids. The luster and sparkle fades with time, regardless of whether kids are in the picture. I'm not having sex any more frequently than most of my friends with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My answer is yes, I'd remain married, but I agree with some PPs that this is a depressing thread.

We have four kids; three are grown and one heads off to college in a couple of years. After 25+ years with my DH, we're still very much in love & enjoy an active sex life. He's my best friend, cliched as that sounds.

I tend to think of myself as a hedonist in many respects, but I guess compared to some others I wouldn't even register. I don't expect to have earth-shattering, passionate sex for the rest of my life, but the warmth & intimacy of our lovemaking is wonderful for both of us.

I wonder if as many people in the real world feel the way DCUMers do.

50% of marriages end in divorce, and my guess is at least half of marriages that stay the duration are functional but not very fun. Then consider that BOTH halves of the couple need to be happy, i.e. one spouse is happy with sex or lack thereof and the other isn't. So it should be no surprise that most people wouldn't stay if the kids weren't in the picture.

Signed, a DH who would is in a functional marriage with a great wife who has almost no sex drive and I would be gone in a heartbeat if we didn't have kids.

My wife actually said that marrying me was the best decision she ever made. But to be truthful, if we didn't have kids I would be gone. I hate this idea of sympathy sex for the rest of my life. Count me as one who would be gone if we didn't have the DC.

You are incredibly unrealistic. You think if you weren't married, women would be lining up to have sex with you?

You will get older. Your body will change. You will not be so desirable to strangers down the road.

Guess who has sex in their 50s, 60s, 70s? Married people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My answer is yes, I'd remain married, but I agree with some PPs that this is a depressing thread.

We have four kids; three are grown and one heads off to college in a couple of years. After 25+ years with my DH, we're still very much in love & enjoy an active sex life. He's my best friend, cliched as that sounds.

I tend to think of myself as a hedonist in many respects, but I guess compared to some others I wouldn't even register. I don't expect to have earth-shattering, passionate sex for the rest of my life, but the warmth & intimacy of our lovemaking is wonderful for both of us.

I wonder if as many people in the real world feel the way DCUMers do.

50% of marriages end in divorce, and my guess is at least half of marriages that stay the duration are functional but not very fun. Then consider that BOTH halves of the couple need to be happy, i.e. one spouse is happy with sex or lack thereof and the other isn't. So it should be no surprise that most people wouldn't stay if the kids weren't in the picture.

Signed, a DH who would is in a functional marriage with a great wife who has almost no sex drive and I would be gone in a heartbeat if we didn't have kids.

My wife actually said that marrying me was the best decision she ever made. But to be truthful, if we didn't have kids I would be gone. I hate this idea of sympathy sex for the rest of my life. Count me as one who would be gone if we didn't have the DC.

You are incredibly unrealistic. You think if you weren't married, women would be lining up to have sex with you?

You will get older. Your body will change. You will not be so desirable to strangers down the road.

Guess who has sex in their 50s, 60s, 70s? Married people.

Yes, I do think I would have lots of women to have sex with. I am tall, attractive, financially successful. I have lot's of women openly proposition me for affairs. No idea if that would continue into my 50s and 60s, but it's better than the status quo......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a sad thread. My DH and I have been together for 21 years, married for almost 13. We have 4 children and we're counting down to when we can be empty nesters! We continue to have a passionate and loving relationship.

Why are you sad? I love my DH. We have a happy marriage. However I see ZERO point in marriage without kids. This is not sad. Of course we will not divorce afyer the kids leage the house, we love each other, but no way in hell would I have married and sentenced myself to sex with one man the rest of my life unless kids were involved. Kids trump my desire for diversity.

Exactly how I feel. Monogamy is not natural for non-parents.

It all depends on your partner. My DH is well-endowed and a fantastic lover. Our sex life actually gets better as we get older. If you're with the right partner, you don't need variety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a sad thread. My DH and I have been together for 21 years, married for almost 13. We have 4 children and we're counting down to when we can be empty nesters! We continue to have a passionate and loving relationship.

Why are you sad? I love my DH. We have a happy marriage. However I see ZERO point in marriage without kids. This is not sad. Of course we will not divorce afyer the kids leage the house, we love each other, but no way in hell would I have married and sentenced myself to sex with one man the rest of my life unless kids were involved. Kids trump my desire for diversity.

Exactly how I feel. Monogamy is not natural for non-parents.

It all depends on your partner. My DH is well-endowed and a fantastic lover. Our sex life actually gets better as we get older. If you're with the right partner, you don't need variety.

Sorry, even strawberry ice cream gets boring.

[Anonymous]

DH here, I can say with certainty I would be gone from my marriage right now if I didn't have kids. But then again, if we didn't have kids perhaps my wife would not have lost her sex drive. Counting the days until last one goes off to college.

From what I read here, seems like if you have a good regular sex life, marriage is far more likely to be happy. Obvious, but for some reason or another couples just can't find the time/energy to maintain a sex life.

[Anonymous]

Easy answer. Would be gone. DW is a great person, but it is no longer there.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Having kids was very fulfilling and very challenging. I cannot imagine our lives without our kids, but the early years was a shock to the system.

However, while we are steeped in the parental role, the love and attraction towards have not diminished. I do agree that a great sex life actually cements the relationship for us.

We have had our ups and downs - and the thing that has made the worst times better is the fact that we have sex frequently, enthusiastically and we innovate and experiment. When we have ceased to have sex (for any reason) - it has increased stress for us.

I have realized that when things are at its worst - that is the time that couples should not let sex slide. Unfortunately, this is what most people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My answer is yes, I'd remain married, but I agree with some PPs that this is a depressing thread.

We have four kids; three are grown and one heads off to college in a couple of years. After 25+ years with my DH, we're still very much in love & enjoy an active sex life. He's my best friend, cliched as that sounds.

I tend to think of myself as a hedonist in many respects, but I guess compared to some others I wouldn't even register. I don't expect to have earth-shattering, passionate sex for the rest of my life, but the warmth & intimacy of our lovemaking is wonderful for both of us.

I wonder if as many people in the real world feel the way DCUMers do.

I am jealous. My DW is cold as a stone. One more year and last DC will be in college. year separation in virginia. so maybe in 2 years I will have sex again, unless i die first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Easy answer. Would be gone. DW is a great person, but it is no longer there.

The problem is, wanting to leave a marriage is one thing, but what is the next stop on the journey? People don't think that through enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am jealous. My DW is cold as a stone. One more year and last DC will be in college. year separation in virginia. so maybe in 2 years I will have sex again, unless i die first.

I'm the PP. What happened? Why is your DW cold to you? Were you ever warm and intimate with her, and if so, what changed? I guess I'm seriously naive, because I can't understand how a married couple goes from point A (wedding yay!) to point B (one year and I can take off and have sex again). Cliff notes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am jealous. My DW is cold as a stone. One more year and last DC will be in college. year separation in virginia. so maybe in 2 years I will have sex again, unless i die first.

I'm the PP. What happened? Why is your DW cold to you? Were you ever warm and intimate with her, and if so, what changed? I guess I'm seriously naive, because I can't understand how a married couple goes from point A (wedding yay!) to point B (one year and I can take off and have sex again). Cliff notes?

I am not the previous poster, but in my relationship my DW turned practically asexual when the kids came. I don't think it is intentional. But who would ever choose to stay with someone who doesn't meet their sexual needs? My DW is a great person, friend and mom but she isn't a romantic partner anymore.

Put it to you this way, would you continue dating someone where the sex and chemistry were gone?

Count me as another that would be single if the kids weren't in the picture. Will be interesting to see if we remain married when kids go to college.

[Anonymous]

Two more years till last DC goes to college then I am gone. Feel bad about it because DW is talking about taking a big European trip to celebrate being empty nesters. Amazes me she thinks anyone would be happy with having sex twice a month.

Irony is she will probably be having lots of sex with her next boyfriend although I would be happy for her. She deserves to be happy.

[Anonymous]

I think this thread should be required reading for anyone who is about to get married. Keep the sexual relationship alive and well with you spouse or have a sad marriage. So simple in theory.