Would You Remain Married If You Didn't Have Kids Together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's actually been studied that the "50% of marriages end in divorce" stat isn't entirely accurate. The divorce rate has been dropping since women entered the workforce and is definitely lower among people with college degrees and among those who marry later. I think it is important to understand that there are reasons besides "exciting" sex to get and stay married. Good sex is absolutely necessary for most couples, but it should not be the ONLY reason for marriage. Anyways, I'm rambling, I think that sometimes people use the "50%" statistic to rationalize divorce or unhappiness instead of trying to work on the relationship.

I agree with everything you say about divorce rates, excuses, etc. But your point about needing to work on a relationship is why I am also would probably leave DW if we didn't have kids. Why would I want to work on my relationship with my wife, "the talk", therapy, asking for more intimacy, etc. when I could find that quite easily in a new relationship. But for kids, when the sex/inimacy dies down in any other relationship, it's a sign that it's time to move on.

Well, to each his own I guess. I am PP. I think that the security and love and intimacy that you get from knowing and being with a person for so long is worth working on. I'm not saying every person should work on their marriage, because I do think there are circumstances with extreme resentment that warrant divorce or seperation, but many people are saying they wouldn't stay married just because the sex is "boring". That is totally something that can be worked on for the other benefits that I had mentioned. I think communication is so important in a relationship, and if it is maintained, you can have something truly beautiful with your spouse. I am not advocating for anyone to stay in a sexless marriage if it isn't what they want, but just leaving because "sex with the same person is boring" is sad to me, and I do think people who don't get married for that fear are going to regret it someday.

I get what you are saying - marriage is more than just sex. But without a healthy and mutually satisfying sex life, you aren't really a married couple - you are basically good friends who aren't providing and indeed denying your spouse the chance for a full blown romantic and sexual relationship. Without sex, it's marriage in name only.

PP here. Yes, that is what I am saying, and I did say in my post that sex is important! I am not in anyway denying that good sex is essential to most married couples. However, I was mostly responding to those who say "boring sex, time to leave, why should I work on this?". I think it is lazy and rather thoughtless to think you shouldn't have to work on that aspect if everything else is oging well. Working WITH your spouse and talking about how to keep you both happy can work.

[Anonymous]

A lot happens. How old are you?

I'm 45 and my DH is 51. We've been together 25+ years with 4 grown kids (well, one is off to college in 2 years). I guess it's not that I can't understand the occasional marriage sputtering, but to see the extent to which it seems to be occurring to people on this board--that's confounding to me (and sad). My parents have been married for 55 years, and while I know they've had ups and downs, they're still loving partners every day. They go to museums and concerts and dinners, and I can tell you that the companionship is essential in your eighties in a way that it might not be in your forties/fifties when the dating world appears open to you.

I get what you are saying - marriage is more than just sex. But without a healthy and mutually satisfying sex life, you aren't really a married couple - you are basically good friends who aren't providing and indeed denying your spouse the chance for a full blown romantic and sexual relationship. Without sex, it's marriage in name only.

I happen to think that marriage is as much about mature companionship than sex, but I'm flashing forward to that time 30 years from now when those posters who want to jump from sexually exciting relationships to the next one (which is surely easy enough to find at our ages) are alone. Because sexual passion fades in every relationship. How do you decide which relationship endures after the sexual glow fades? Do you just figure that whomever you have crazy sex with in your early sixties is the one to stick? Or are those of you who want regular awesome sex planning on being happy as a single person in your eighties and nineties?

But your point about needing to work on a relationship is why I am also would probably leave DW if we didn't have kids. Why would I want to work on my relationship with my wife, "the talk", therapy, asking for more intimacy, etc. when I could find that quite easily in a new relationship. But for kids, when the sex/inimacy dies down in any other relationship, it's a sign that it's time to move on.

Every relationship needs work (though not the early sunshine-y ones, which is what makes dating exciting & fun), and would you be happy bouncing from new relationship to the next one? Isn't there something about one particular partner (her intelligence, sense of humor, curiosity, kindness) that would make it worthwhile to stay even if the passion dies down?

I hear you on the intimacy, though. I think sexual passion does die down, but intimacy should remain. I have regular sex with my DH, but even when we couldn't always have regular sex (i.e., when I was on bedrest with my twin pregnancy), we remained intimate with our communication. We're the only ones who know everything about each other, and I could never find someone who would have that sort of connection to the person I was in my twenties and thirties and forties.

[Anonymous]

^^^being 45 and with the same man for 25+yrs....you might as well spay me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

A lot happens. How old are you?

I'm 45 and my DH is 51. We've been together 25+ years with 4 grown kids (well, one is off to college in 2 years). I guess it's not that I can't understand the occasional marriage sputtering, but to see the extent to which it seems to be occurring to people on this board--that's confounding to me (and sad). My parents have been married for 55 years, and while I know they've had ups and downs, they're still loving partners every day. They go to museums and concerts and dinners, and I can tell you that the companionship is essential in your eighties in a way that it might not be in your forties/fifties when the dating world appears open to you.

I get what you are saying - marriage is more than just sex. But without a healthy and mutually satisfying sex life, you aren't really a married couple - you are basically good friends who aren't providing and indeed denying your spouse the chance for a full blown romantic and sexual relationship. Without sex, it's marriage in name only.

I happen to think that marriage is as much about mature companionship than sex, but I'm flashing forward to that time 30 years from now when those posters who want to jump from sexually exciting relationships to the next one (which is surely easy enough to find at our ages) are alone. Because sexual passion fades in every relationship. How do you decide which relationship endures after the sexual glow fades? Do you just figure that whomever you have crazy sex with in your early sixties is the one to stick? Or are those of you who want regular awesome sex planning on being happy as a single person in your eighties and nineties?

But your point about needing to work on a relationship is why I am also would probably leave DW if we didn't have kids. Why would I want to work on my relationship with my wife, "the talk", therapy, asking for more intimacy, etc. when I could find that quite easily in a new relationship. But for kids, when the sex/inimacy dies down in any other relationship, it's a sign that it's time to move on.

Every relationship needs work (though not the early sunshine-y ones, which is what makes dating exciting & fun), and would you be happy bouncing from new relationship to the next one? Isn't there something about one particular partner (her intelligence, sense of humor, curiosity, kindness) that would make it worthwhile to stay even if the passion dies down?

I hear you on the intimacy, though. I think sexual passion does die down, but intimacy should remain. I have regular sex with my DH, but even when we couldn't always have regular sex (i.e., when I was on bedrest with my twin pregnancy), we remained intimate with our communication. We're the only ones who know everything about each other, and I could never find someone who would have that sort of connection to the person I was in my twenties and thirties and forties.

That is why you don't see the issue. You have regular sex. With respect, you don't know how miserable it is to live without regular sex. I would much rather have a string of sexual fulfilling relationships with people and die alone in my 80s than live in the state of sexual boredom with a spouse that has lost interest in sex. Unfortunately, I have to choose between keeping my family intact and remaining married to an asexual wife or divorcing. Without the kids, there would be nothing left to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^being 45 and with the same man for 25+yrs....you might as well spay me.

LOL! Well, the sex is good, so I don't see the problem.

[Anonymous]

Look at the bright side of the thread, children make people stay in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Ah but you're missing the point. Having someone to grow old with = great. It's not what the PP is saying though. Sexual variety is exciting. Having sex with the same person forever is not. It's fine, it's its own closeness, but it's not exciting. And this is really why there's so many sexless marriages. Sex with the same person gets boring. And boredom comes easily enough without having to do work to achieve it. When it comes down to it (and I'm not in a sexless marriage but I can easily see how it happens), sometimes it's not worth it to put in the effort to do something that is really pretty boring. This is why if I didn't want to have kids I wouldn't have gotten married. I love our family and our life so I accept that sex has lost that electric luster it had when I was single and fucking a new guy for the first time. As long as I'm married, I won't experience that ever again. For my kids and our family and our life, I accept that. If kids weren't in the picture? Hell no. It sounds like I'm saying I don't love my husband but I'm not. I'm just saying, I accept the drawbacks to marriage and monogamy because of what I gain from the family and marriage. Without those benefits, what's the point of signing on for the drudgery?

Thanks for clearing that up for me.

But do you think if you didn't have kids, that maybe the sex wouldn't have lost that electric luster? Since kids/family brings on a whole new dynamic to a relationship? No kids means more time to do your own thing and maybe keep that spark alive?

Nope. It isn't the kids. It's familiarity. It's the known. (And known, and known some more.) Women say it's the kids and it is to a small extent but they aren't fully to blame. But women do use them as an explanation because then it seems fixable. "When the kids are older it will be like it was." "If when would help split the childcare duties, I would want to have sex again." But the truth is, sex with the same person becomes boring and familiar over time and this it loses its appeal and it's not REALLY fixable because of course, as time goes on, the relationship only gets LESS new and exciting. People want to think if their spouse did more chores or complained less or lost weight the sex life would return to what it was but truthfully it never can because what makes sex so thrilling and alluring is the newness of another person's body, being whoever you want to be with that person because they don't yet know the real you, and being DISCOVERABLE.

I love you. Finally!, a REAL post. Many of these chumps will disagree because they want to keep up appearances but whatever

[Anonymous]

I love you. Finally!, a REAL post. Many of these chumps will disagree because they want to keep up appearances but whatever

This "chump" disagrees because marriage is about more than non-boring and non-familiar and alluring sex. YMMV.