Would You Remain Married If You Didn't Have Kids Together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My answer is yes, I'd remain married, but I agree with some PPs that this is a depressing thread.

We have four kids; three are grown and one heads off to college in a couple of years. After 25+ years with my DH, we're still very much in love & enjoy an active sex life. He's my best friend, cliched as that sounds.

I tend to think of myself as a hedonist in many respects, but I guess compared to some others I wouldn't even register. I don't expect to have earth-shattering, passionate sex for the rest of my life, but the warmth & intimacy of our lovemaking is wonderful for both of us.

I wonder if as many people in the real world feel the way DCUMers do.

50% of marriages end in divorce, and my guess is at least half of marriages that stay the duration are functional but not very fun. Then consider that BOTH halves of the couple need to be happy, i.e. one spouse is happy with sex or lack thereof and the other isn't. So it should be no surprise that most people wouldn't stay if the kids weren't in the picture.

Signed, a DH who would is in a functional marriage with a great wife who has almost no sex drive and I would be gone in a heartbeat if we didn't have kids.

It's actually been studied that the "50% of marriages end in divorce" stat isn't entirely accurate. The divorce rate has been dropping since women entered the workforce and is definitely lower among people with college degrees and among those who marry later. I think it is important to understand that there are reasons besides "exciting" sex to get and stay married. Good sex is absolutely necessary for most couples, but it should not be the ONLY reason for marriage. Anyways, I'm rambling, I think that sometimes people use the "50%" statistic to rationalize divorce or unhappiness instead of trying to work on the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My answer is yes, I'd remain married, but I agree with some PPs that this is a depressing thread.

We have four kids; three are grown and one heads off to college in a couple of years. After 25+ years with my DH, we're still very much in love & enjoy an active sex life. He's my best friend, cliched as that sounds.

I tend to think of myself as a hedonist in many respects, but I guess compared to some others I wouldn't even register. I don't expect to have earth-shattering, passionate sex for the rest of my life, but the warmth & intimacy of our lovemaking is wonderful for both of us.

I wonder if as many people in the real world feel the way DCUMers do.

50% of marriages end in divorce, and my guess is at least half of marriages that stay the duration are functional but not very fun. Then consider that BOTH halves of the couple need to be happy, i.e. one spouse is happy with sex or lack thereof and the other isn't. So it should be no surprise that most people wouldn't stay if the kids weren't in the picture.

Signed, a DH who would is in a functional marriage with a great wife who has almost no sex drive and I would be gone in a heartbeat if we didn't have kids.

It's actually been studied that the "50% of marriages end in divorce" stat isn't entirely accurate. The divorce rate has been dropping since women entered the workforce and is definitely lower among people with college degrees and among those who marry later. I think it is important to understand that there are reasons besides "exciting" sex to get and stay married. Good sex is absolutely necessary for most couples, but it should not be the ONLY reason for marriage. Anyways, I'm rambling, I think that sometimes people use the "50%" statistic to rationalize divorce or unhappiness instead of trying to work on the relationship.

I agree with everything you say about divorce rates, excuses, etc. But your point about needing to work on a relationship is why I am also would probably leave DW if we didn't have kids. Why would I want to work on my relationship with my wife, "the talk", therapy, asking for more intimacy, etc. when I could find that quite easily in a new relationship. But for kids, when the sex/inimacy dies down in any other relationship, it's a sign that it's time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Ah but you're missing the point. Having someone to grow old with = great. It's not what the PP is saying though. Sexual variety is exciting. Having sex with the same person forever is not. It's fine, it's its own closeness, but it's not exciting. And this is really why there's so many sexless marriages. Sex with the same person gets boring. And boredom comes easily enough without having to do work to achieve it. When it comes down to it (and I'm not in a sexless marriage but I can easily see how it happens), sometimes it's not worth it to put in the effort to do something that is really pretty boring. This is why if I didn't want to have kids I wouldn't have gotten married. I love our family and our life so I accept that sex has lost that electric luster it had when I was single and fucking a new guy for the first time. As long as I'm married, I won't experience that ever again. For my kids and our family and our life, I accept that. If kids weren't in the picture? Hell no. It sounds like I'm saying I don't love my husband but I'm not. I'm just saying, I accept the drawbacks to marriage and monogamy because of what I gain from the family and marriage. Without those benefits, what's the point of signing on for the drudgery?

Thanks for clearing that up for me.

But do you think if you didn't have kids, that maybe the sex wouldn't have lost that electric luster? Since kids/family brings on a whole new dynamic to a relationship? No kids means more time to do your own thing and maybe keep that spark alive?

No. Sex loses its luster for me because my partner has about 3 positions he likes and hasn't tried anything new in years. He's intimidated that I want to learn and do different things. It also has lost its luster because it's not a priority for him like it was the first year or two we were together. Having kids, other than when they were newborns/infants, didn't change our sex life at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay how about: when he leaves all the grunt work for me, although we both work full time jobs and make about the same amount of money, I resent him and have no desire for him.

I could see that being a major problem.

But do you honestly believe that once he steps it up at home, takes some of the grunt work off, that you are automatically going to spread your legs?

Yes. I take it outside now.

Way to work with your DH

Hey now, he's been told point blank by me and our counsellor that not stepping up at home was/is an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. We got married assuming we'd have kids. When we found out that we couldn't, I gave him the option to leave. At this point, we stay together because it's still better than being alone. We're roommates, travelling partners, co-home owners. We're familiar with each other. I wouldn't want to be trying to date in my late 30s now. I know how much the dating market sucks.

Do you enjoy having sex with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My answer is yes, I'd remain married, but I agree with some PPs that this is a depressing thread.

We have four kids; three are grown and one heads off to college in a couple of years. After 25+ years with my DH, we're still very much in love & enjoy an active sex life. He's my best friend, cliched as that sounds.

I tend to think of myself as a hedonist in many respects, but I guess compared to some others I wouldn't even register. I don't expect to have earth-shattering, passionate sex for the rest of my life, but the warmth & intimacy of our lovemaking is wonderful for both of us.

I wonder if as many people in the real world feel the way DCUMers do.

I've had earth-shattering, passionate sex over a span of years with people other than my husband. That's what I miss - what I know is possible if only he were as interested and motivated as I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My answer is yes, I'd remain married, but I agree with some PPs that this is a depressing thread.

We have four kids; three are grown and one heads off to college in a couple of years. After 25+ years with my DH, we're still very much in love & enjoy an active sex life. He's my best friend, cliched as that sounds.

I tend to think of myself as a hedonist in many respects, but I guess compared to some others I wouldn't even register. I don't expect to have earth-shattering, passionate sex for the rest of my life, but the warmth & intimacy of our lovemaking is wonderful for both of us.

I wonder if as many people in the real world feel the way DCUMers do.

50% of marriages end in divorce, and my guess is at least half of marriages that stay the duration are functional but not very fun. Then consider that BOTH halves of the couple need to be happy, i.e. one spouse is happy with sex or lack thereof and the other isn't. So it should be no surprise that most people wouldn't stay if the kids weren't in the picture.

Signed, a DH who would is in a functional marriage with a great wife who has almost no sex drive and I would be gone in a heartbeat if we didn't have kids.

I'm a wife in your type of marriage, and I've found someone who is also in the same boat. I highly recommend it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My answer is yes, I'd remain married, but I agree with some PPs that this is a depressing thread.

We have four kids; three are grown and one heads off to college in a couple of years. After 25+ years with my DH, we're still very much in love & enjoy an active sex life. He's my best friend, cliched as that sounds.

I tend to think of myself as a hedonist in many respects, but I guess compared to some others I wouldn't even register. I don't expect to have earth-shattering, passionate sex for the rest of my life, but the warmth & intimacy of our lovemaking is wonderful for both of us.

I wonder if as many people in the real world feel the way DCUMers do.

50% of marriages end in divorce, and my guess is at least half of marriages that stay the duration are functional but not very fun. Then consider that BOTH halves of the couple need to be happy, i.e. one spouse is happy with sex or lack thereof and the other isn't. So it should be no surprise that most people wouldn't stay if the kids weren't in the picture.

Signed, a DH who would is in a functional marriage with a great wife who has almost no sex drive and I would be gone in a heartbeat if we didn't have kids.

It's actually been studied that the "50% of marriages end in divorce" stat isn't entirely accurate. The divorce rate has been dropping since women entered the workforce and is definitely lower among people with college degrees and among those who marry later. I think it is important to understand that there are reasons besides "exciting" sex to get and stay married. Good sex is absolutely necessary for most couples, but it should not be the ONLY reason for marriage. Anyways, I'm rambling, I think that sometimes people use the "50%" statistic to rationalize divorce or unhappiness instead of trying to work on the relationship.

I agree with everything you say about divorce rates, excuses, etc. But your point about needing to work on a relationship is why I am also would probably leave DW if we didn't have kids. Why would I want to work on my relationship with my wife, "the talk", therapy, asking for more intimacy, etc. when I could find that quite easily in a new relationship. But for kids, when the sex/inimacy dies down in any other relationship, it's a sign that it's time to move on.

Well, to each his own I guess. I am PP. I think that the security and love and intimacy that you get from knowing and being with a person for so long is worth working on. I'm not saying every person should work on their marriage, because I do think there are circumstances with extreme resentment that warrant divorce or seperation, but many people are saying they wouldn't stay married just because the sex is "boring". That is totally something that can be worked on for the other benefits that I had mentioned. I think communication is so important in a relationship, and if it is maintained, you can have something truly beautiful with your spouse. I am not advocating for anyone to stay in a sexless marriage if it isn't what they want, but just leaving because "sex with the same person is boring" is sad to me, and I do think people who don't get married for that fear are going to regret it someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a sad thread. My DH and I have been together for 21 years, married for almost 13. We have 4 children and we're counting down to when we can be empty nesters! We continue to have a passionate and loving relationship.

Why are you sad? I love my DH. We have a happy marriage. However I see ZERO point in marriage without kids. This is not sad. Of course we will not divorce afyer the kids leage the house, we love each other, but no way in hell would I have married and sentenced myself to sex with one man the rest of my life unless kids were involved. Kids trump my desire for diversity.

Exactly how I feel. Monogamy is not natural for non-parents.

It all depends on your partner. My DH is well-endowed and a fantastic lover. Our sex life actually gets better as we get older. If you're with the right partner, you don't need variety.

True dat. But my husband is far from the best lover I've ever had, and perhaps slightly below average.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Easy answer. Would be gone. DW is a great person, but it is no longer there.

The problem is, wanting to leave a marriage is one thing, but what is the next stop on the journey? People don't think that through enough.

Dating. Going out with one or more of the men who are hot for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am jealous. My DW is cold as a stone. One more year and last DC will be in college. year separation in virginia. so maybe in 2 years I will have sex again, unless i die first.

I'm the PP. What happened? Why is your DW cold to you? Were you ever warm and intimate with her, and if so, what changed? I guess I'm seriously naive, because I can't understand how a married couple goes from point A (wedding yay!) to point B (one year and I can take off and have sex again). Cliff notes?

A lot happens. How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two more years till last DC goes to college then I am gone. Feel bad about it because DW is talking about taking a big European trip to celebrate being empty nesters. Amazes me she thinks anyone would be happy with having sex twice a month.

Irony is she will probably be having lots of sex with her next boyfriend although I would be happy for her. She deserves to be happy.

She should meet my H. Twice a month, so long as he could do missionary only and didn't have to give oral, would suit him perfectly.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I really don't think this thread is depressing as some say. It is a frank discussion that real people normally have in private with their closest friends. It has certainly helped me put a lot into perspective, so thanks to all.

I think as human beings we naturally want intimacy and security in a relationship. It is just that, in the absence of a need to be a parent, then there are many other ways to get that intimacy and security. Signing on for a lifetime with someone who I am likely to end up as roommates with, is worse than just owning my own place, having my own career, and living my own life, but know where to go as and when I need to be intimate with someone. Reading through the responses, I think I stand a better chance of being intimate more often with a FWB or on the dating market, rather than a roommate I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Yes there are the added benefits of shared property ownership, building wealth, building a project or venture together etc. It's just that, is it not really worth it in my young age group. Congrats to everyone who has found happiness with their spouse, but marriage seems really overrated.

It's just the raw reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My answer is yes, I'd remain married, but I agree with some PPs that this is a depressing thread.

We have four kids; three are grown and one heads off to college in a couple of years. After 25+ years with my DH, we're still very much in love & enjoy an active sex life. He's my best friend, cliched as that sounds.

I tend to think of myself as a hedonist in many respects, but I guess compared to some others I wouldn't even register. I don't expect to have earth-shattering, passionate sex for the rest of my life, but the warmth & intimacy of our lovemaking is wonderful for both of us.

I wonder if as many people in the real world feel the way DCUMers do.

50% of marriages end in divorce, and my guess is at least half of marriages that stay the duration are functional but not very fun. Then consider that BOTH halves of the couple need to be happy, i.e. one spouse is happy with sex or lack thereof and the other isn't. So it should be no surprise that most people wouldn't stay if the kids weren't in the picture.

Signed, a DH who would is in a functional marriage with a great wife who has almost no sex drive and I would be gone in a heartbeat if we didn't have kids.

I'm a wife in your type of marriage, and I've found someone who is also in the same boat. I highly recommend it

DH here, and I have found a similar wife who we have amazing chemistry. Just hard to find the time to get together without getting caught. And yes, marriage for me has been a sexual prison. Perhaps if I can get by on affairs for a while, my DW will have a sexual awakening and we can reap the rest of the benefits that marriage provides.

Short story, I would never get married again but that doesn't mean I wouldn't seek out a partner for emotional and sexual fulfillment. Just don't see the need to make it legal, i.e. make it harder to get out of when the relationship gets stale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My answer is yes, I'd remain married, but I agree with some PPs that this is a depressing thread.

We have four kids; three are grown and one heads off to college in a couple of years. After 25+ years with my DH, we're still very much in love & enjoy an active sex life. He's my best friend, cliched as that sounds.

I tend to think of myself as a hedonist in many respects, but I guess compared to some others I wouldn't even register. I don't expect to have earth-shattering, passionate sex for the rest of my life, but the warmth & intimacy of our lovemaking is wonderful for both of us.

I wonder if as many people in the real world feel the way DCUMers do.

50% of marriages end in divorce, and my guess is at least half of marriages that stay the duration are functional but not very fun. Then consider that BOTH halves of the couple need to be happy, i.e. one spouse is happy with sex or lack thereof and the other isn't. So it should be no surprise that most people wouldn't stay if the kids weren't in the picture.

Signed, a DH who would is in a functional marriage with a great wife who has almost no sex drive and I would be gone in a heartbeat if we didn't have kids.

It's actually been studied that the "50% of marriages end in divorce" stat isn't entirely accurate. The divorce rate has been dropping since women entered the workforce and is definitely lower among people with college degrees and among those who marry later. I think it is important to understand that there are reasons besides "exciting" sex to get and stay married. Good sex is absolutely necessary for most couples, but it should not be the ONLY reason for marriage. Anyways, I'm rambling, I think that sometimes people use the "50%" statistic to rationalize divorce or unhappiness instead of trying to work on the relationship.

I agree with everything you say about divorce rates, excuses, etc. But your point about needing to work on a relationship is why I am also would probably leave DW if we didn't have kids. Why would I want to work on my relationship with my wife, "the talk", therapy, asking for more intimacy, etc. when I could find that quite easily in a new relationship. But for kids, when the sex/inimacy dies down in any other relationship, it's a sign that it's time to move on.

Well, to each his own I guess. I am PP. I think that the security and love and intimacy that you get from knowing and being with a person for so long is worth working on. I'm not saying every person should work on their marriage, because I do think there are circumstances with extreme resentment that warrant divorce or seperation, but many people are saying they wouldn't stay married just because the sex is "boring". That is totally something that can be worked on for the other benefits that I had mentioned. I think communication is so important in a relationship, and if it is maintained, you can have something truly beautiful with your spouse. I am not advocating for anyone to stay in a sexless marriage if it isn't what they want, but just leaving because "sex with the same person is boring" is sad to me, and I do think people who don't get married for that fear are going to regret it someday.

I get what you are saying - marriage is more than just sex. But without a healthy and mutually satisfying sex life, you aren't really a married couple - you are basically good friends who aren't providing and indeed denying your spouse the chance for a full blown romantic and sexual relationship. Without sex, it's marriage in name only.