Would You Remain Married If You Didn't Have Kids Together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, I would not be with DW except for the kids. I love her, we parent well, we get along great and enjoy each other's company, but we are more platonic than romantic. It's a great friendship, but I miss the sex. I wish her the best, but like most marriages the sex and passion has faded. I think most relationships run their course after about 4-10 years. Although we work on our relationship for the sake of the marriage and kids, why on earth would you work on something that would otherwise come easy in a new relationship?

The sex would come easily in a new relationship, sure, but what about the intimacy/comfort/trust/deep love that can only develop with time? Obviously not everyone on this thread has experienced that, but for DH and me it's why we chose to get married (and stay married) without having children.

[Anonymous]

I really wonder if the never having sex after kids thing is really that common away from DCUM.

FWIW we've been together 10 yearrs and have two small children. Probably have sex 2-3 times a week and divide childcare tasks pretty evenly. We're generally happy and I think our marriage will last. But DH might say that we "never have sex" as he'd be happier with sex every day and I'm the one who puts the breaks on. But judging from DCUM we're doing pretty well with 2-3 times a week.

I have noticed that if we don't have sex for a long period for example post-partum we tend to get less close and bicker more. I really think that sex is the glue that holds a marriage together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No but this is not necessarily an indictment of my husband. It's just that I personally don't see the point of being married without kids. If I'm not having a family with someone, I wouldn't tie myself down at all.

This is exactly how I feel. Plus monogamy sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a sad thread. My DH and I have been together for 21 years, married for almost 13. We have 4 children and we're counting down to when we can be empty nesters! We continue to have a passionate and loving relationship.

Why are you sad? I love my DH. We have a happy marriage. However I see ZERO point in marriage without kids. This is not sad. Of course we will not divorce afyer the kids leage the house, we love each other, but no way in hell would I have married and sentenced myself to sex with one man the rest of my life unless kids were involved. Kids trump my desire for diversity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

For me, I would not be with DW except for the kids. I love her, we parent well, we get along great and enjoy each other's company, but we are more platonic than romantic. It's a great friendship, but I miss the sex. I wish her the best, but like most marriages the sex and passion has faded. I think most relationships run their course after about 4-10 years. Although we work on our relationship for the sake of the marriage and kids, why on earth would you work on something that would otherwise come easy in a new relationship?

Posts like these make me feel better about my past LTR. We had a child, we were great parents together, we never fought, got along great, great companionship....but platonic. Things fizzled out. I stuck around because everything else was great besides the romance and emotional connection. Now if DD was never in the picture, chances are we would have probably never been together so long.

Unfortunately we split but now I realize that my situation was not as rare as I thought. Just wish we could have worked on things early when it started to get stale. That might have saved us. Now, deep down, I hope our time apart will help us realize what we had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the first happy PP with five grown/nearly grown kids. This thread is one of the saddest I've ever read on dcum... And that says a lot!

Are there really that few of us who are happily married? Our children have given us immeasurable joy! I adore them! Being their mom has just been an amazing journey! But my husband is my life partner. My best friend in the world. The one I will grow old with. Time with our children is brief compared to the rest of our lives with our soul mate.

Seriously. Your kids will grow up and leave. It will happen faster than you can imagine. If you aren't nurturing the relationship with your spouse now,
you'll find there is no relationship once the kids are gone. There is no luck or magic trick. It takes hard work and a daily commitment to choose to love.

Love my kids, but my DH and I have always put our marriage first. 28 years and counting.....

My spouse lets me do all the heavy lifting with the house and kids. It has caused a deep rift in our relationship.

May I say very gently - You are choosing that. If he truly will not help, then let it go. Find a way to get past the resentment and just love. My guess is that if you let go, cease with the nagging and passive aggressive behavior, he'll come around. And if not, what have you lost? If you are going to do everything by yourself, you might as well choose to do it in a loving way.

Michelle Duggar in the house!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The sex would come easily in a new relationship, sure, but what about the intimacy/comfort/trust/deep love that can only develop with time? Obviously not everyone on this thread has experienced that, but for DH and me it's why we chose to get married (and stay married) without having children.

That is what meant the most to me. The comfort, trust, friendship, sense of partnership, etc. that doesn't come with new love. I loved having that partner in my life that I can come to no matter what and I know they are looking out for our best interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fireworks/madly-in-love/sex-twice-a-day thing rarely lasts forever, even when you don't have kids. If you need to always have that dynamic to a relationship, you might reconsider whether marriage is for you at all.

As for me, if we didn't have kids, I would absolutely stay married to him. When we occasionally get a day without the kids, even if we're just running errands or working on the house, I'm reminded of just how much fun we have together and how much I love being with him.

I enjoy my time away from my husband as much as the time I spend with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really wonder if the never having sex after kids thing is really that common away from DCUM.

FWIW we've been together 10 yearrs and have two small children. Probably have sex 2-3 times a week and divide childcare tasks pretty evenly. We're generally happy and I think our marriage will last. But DH might say that we "never have sex" as he'd be happier with sex every day and I'm the one who puts the breaks on. But judging from DCUM we're doing pretty well with 2-3 times a week.

I have noticed that if we don't have sex for a long period for example post-partum we tend to get less close and bicker more. I really think that sex is the glue that holds a marriage together.

I'd be much more likely to have sex with him if our childcare division were closer to 50/50 than 80/20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I enjoy my time away from my husband as much as the time I spend with him.

Which is VERY important IMO.

You need to be an indivicual as much as a couple. When you aren't with them, you are reminded why you want to be with him/her. When you are together 24/7, you forget how it feels to miss that person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a sad thread. My DH and I have been together for 21 years, married for almost 13. We have 4 children and we're counting down to when we can be empty nesters! We continue to have a passionate and loving relationship.

Why are you sad? I love my DH. We have a happy marriage. However I see ZERO point in marriage without kids. This is not sad. Of course we will not divorce afyer the kids leage the house, we love each other, but no way in hell would I have married and sentenced myself to sex with one man the rest of my life unless kids were involved. Kids trump my desire for diversity.

Exactly how I feel. Monogamy is not natural for non-parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The sex would come easily in a new relationship, sure, but what about the intimacy/comfort/trust/deep love that can only develop with time? Obviously not everyone on this thread has experienced that, but for DH and me it's why we chose to get married (and stay married) without having children.

That is what meant the most to me. The comfort, trust, friendship, sense of partnership, etc. that doesn't come with new love. I loved having that partner in my life that I can come to no matter what and I know they are looking out for our best interests.

Sexual variety is more exciting than the old familiar person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'd be much more likely to have sex with him if our childcare division were closer to 50/50 than 80/20.

This is bullshit.

My ex said the same shit. So I made adjustments. Did the sex improve? Nope. So she said we (or I) need to do this. We make the change....nothing.

If you think division of duties has anything to do with sex, you are just lying to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I enjoy my time away from my husband as much as the time I spend with him.

Which is VERY important IMO.

You need to be an indivicual as much as a couple. When you aren't with them, you are reminded why you want to be with him/her. When you are together 24/7, you forget how it feels to miss that person.

It would take a lot more than 3 hours apart to make me miss him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'd be much more likely to have sex with him if our childcare division were closer to 50/50 than 80/20.

This is bullshit.

My ex said the same shit. So I made adjustments. Did the sex improve? Nope. So she said we (or I) need to do this. We make the change....nothing.

If you think division of duties has anything to do with sex, you are just lying to yourself.

Okay how about: when he leaves all the grunt work for me, although we both work full time jobs and make about the same amount of money, I resent him and have no desire for him.