Estranged Father now a Grandfather

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is in this position now.
Although its been only 3 years. (She is 20)
I'm just worried he will continue to disappoint
Her and in time disappoint her child.
You could always send a birth announcemt and let him
make the first move.
In my ex husbands case the new wife forbids contact with my daughter.

You are deluding yourself if you think the reason this man does not contact your daughter is because his wife forbids it. He doesn't contact your daughter because he doesn't want to. But I guess it is easier to blame a random third party rather that admit the cold hard truth: You chose to procreate with a man who does not give a shit about his child. That's on you.

No. That's on him for being a asshole. If he were a decent person, there's no way a new partner would get to even suggest something like that. Stop the woman-blaming, it's the ex husband who's a total jerk.

It is gender neutral. If a man or woman chooses a complete jackass (man or woman) as a co-parent, they can't act all outraged and astonished when that man or woman acts like a complete jackass. In this instance, I blame the father for rejecting his child (I personally would not want to have a child with that sort of man) but I also blame the mother for choosing said jackass to be her child's other parent. Unless this guy had a head injury or developed a mental illness after the birth of the baby, most of us have a pretty good idea who we are making a child with. There are usually signs that we choose to ignore for whatever reason. People make shitty choices and then want to blame someone else when the natural consequences arise.

You are absolutely right about one thing. If he were a decent person, a new partner would not be able to interfere with his relationship with his child. But he is not a decent person and yet somebody chose to procreate with him anyway.

[Anonymous]

Tough call, op. I had a dad I kept wanting ot be someone else, and it never happened. My last straw is when I had an actual conversation with him about it (after 2 years of therapy) and the cluelessness persisted. I knew then he'd never be the person I wanted him to be, and I gave up, and emotionally I proceeded as though he were dead (he actually died a few years later). But his personality was the type where a grandkid wouldn't have changed anything. My mother's father, not a prize, was somewhat changed by aging and mellowing out, such that at their 50th wedding anniversary everyone commented (obliquely) on how much he'd changed and become more loving and less abusive over the years.

If you do send him a birth announcement, I would do it with a note. Don't make the announcement a test of his mindreading ability, but an actual choice for him to make. Say what you have wanted to say about being disappointed in your relationship and maybe he's changed and this is his chance to show it by having a relationship with his grandkid, and make clear you're open to such a development. Say you will assume that if he doesn't respond by [time period] you will assume he's made his choice to be out of your and your family's life permanently and you won't bother him anymore. This puts an end date on it for you so you don't continue to wonder if you should invite him to birthdays, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If you do send him a birth announcement, I would do it with a note. Don't make the announcement a test of his mindreading ability, but an actual choice for him to make. Say what you have wanted to say about being disappointed in your relationship and maybe he's changed and this is his chance to show it by having a relationship with his grandkid, and make clear you're open to such a development. Say you will assume that if he doesn't respond by [time period] you will assume he's made his choice to be out of your and your family's life permanently and you won't bother him anymore. This puts an end date on it for you so you don't continue to wonder if you should invite him to birthdays, etc.

OP here- This is very good advice. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Similar situation. I haven't talked to my father for 5 yrs + due to his financial problem. I didn't invite him to my wedding or my kid's 1st birthday. I sometimes want to let him know but I am too afraid he has not been changed and don’t even know how to start. However, he is still in contact with my aunt (his sister) and he knows about me and DD(and vice versa) through my aunt. See if you have any relative that you can do the same as me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar situation. I haven't talked to my father for 5 yrs + due to his financial problem. I didn't invite him to my wedding or my kid's 1st birthday. I sometimes want to let him know but I am too afraid he has not been changed and don’t even know how to start. However, he is still in contact with my aunt (his sister) and he knows about me and DD(and vice versa) through my aunt. See if you have any relative that you can do the same as me.

Has he reached out to you since he found out about your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is in this position now.
Although its been only 3 years. (She is 20)
I'm just worried he will continue to disappoint
Her and in time disappoint her child.
You could always send a birth announcemt and let him
make the first move.
In my ex husbands case the new wife forbids contact with my daughter.

I've thought about doing this as well, but I guess I'm scared about him not responding and then being very angry.

It strikes me that you should only send a birth announcement because you think he may want to know, not because you're hoping he will respond and be at least a little of the dad you wish he'd been.

I am hoping that he would respond and be a good grandfather, but Im concerned that he wont which would make me angry at myself for reaching out against my better judgement.

OP here again. To provide a bit more context. When I got married, he wasnt invited, but a mutual family friend who was invited told him in hopes that he would reach out to me. He did not, which didnt surprise me, but they were very shocked. Similarly, when I graduated from high school, I sent him an invitation, but he did not show up.

I'm the pp you were responding to - yes, I see the situation. What I was trying to say is that you should only send the the announcement if you can do it without expecting anything from him. It sounds like you can't, so it's probably going to disappoint you. I'm sorry, OP. You definitely deserved better. I can see why this is so painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar situation. I haven't talked to my father for 5 yrs + due to his financial problem. I didn't invite him to my wedding or my kid's 1st birthday. I sometimes want to let him know but I am too afraid he has not been changed and don’t even know how to start. However, he is still in contact with my aunt (his sister) and he knows about me and DD(and vice versa) through my aunt. See if you have any relative that you can do the same as me.

Has he reached out to you since he found out about your child?

No. He couldn't directly because he doesn't know where I live or my contact. I didn't hear my aunt say anything about he trying to reach out to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You are deluding yourself if you think the reason this man does not contact your daughter is because his wife forbids it. He doesn't contact your daughter because he doesn't want to. But I guess it is easier to blame a random third party rather that admit the cold hard truth: You chose to procreate with a man who does not give a shit about his child. That's on you.

Wrong. It isn't on her. It's on him. The blame belongs firmly on the man who doesn't give a shit about his child.

100% agree. PP doesn't appear to understand human beings very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Frequently, bad parents turn out to be phenomenal grandparents. Let him know and see what happens.

But wouldn't you think that would make you feel even worse - to know that your father deliberately missed everything with you and then miraculously became wonderful when you were grown? I'd be heartbroken.

I don't think it's deliberate at all, I think many times it's seeing what you did wrong after quite a few years of life and experiences, at least that's how it was for my DH and FIL.

And my DH's experience has been completely different (NP here). DH's father essentially deserted his kids when MIL divorced him (DH was 6, his brother a baby). Wouldn't pay child support, refused to see the kids, etc. He remarried and started another family, and when his second wife divorced him he deserted those kids too (same fights to get child support, now hasn't seen the girls in a few years). We know he has a fifth child somewhere, but he's never had any contact with that one. Bottom line, he's a shitty person who hasn't gotten any wiser or more interested in his kids with age. DH hasn't spoken with or seen him in at least 15 years, and while I'm sure he's heard he now has a grandson, we have zero intention of every making any attempt to involve him in our son's life. No interest in his 5 kids, who have all been through a lot of heartbreak as a result. We won't put our son in that position. When/if DS ever asks about him (and I doubt he will for a very long time, as DH's step-father is "grandpa" is every respect), we'll simply tell DS that he's not a good person and therefore is not a part of our lives. And that will be the truth.