Estranged Father now a Grandfather

[Anonymous]

I've been on the other end - my grandfather was estranged from his children and never got to meet half his grandchildren. My mother was the child who gave him a second chance and he was the most wonderful, loving grandfather. I'm so glad my mom allowed us to know him before he died. As a father and husband, he made a lot of mistakes, enough for his family to write him off but he took the chance to be a grandfather seriously and I think, tried to redeem himself.

I learned a lot about forgiveness, seeing how my mom handled the situation, and it inspires me now that I have a FIL who is somewhat similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Frequently, bad parents turn out to be phenomenal grandparents. Let him know and see what happens.

But wouldn't you think that would make you feel even worse - to know that your father deliberately missed everything with you and then miraculously became wonderful when you were grown? I'd be heartbroken.

No. Life is about forgiveness and second chances. Better love now than never. I would give 2nd chances because I have needed a few myself.

[Anonymous]

You are deluding yourself if you think the reason this man does not contact your daughter is because his wife forbids it. He doesn't contact your daughter because he doesn't want to. But I guess it is easier to blame a random third party rather that admit the cold hard truth: You chose to procreate with a man who does not give a shit about his child. That's on you.

Wrong. It isn't on her. It's on him. The blame belongs firmly on the man who doesn't give a shit about his child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You are deluding yourself if you think the reason this man does not contact your daughter is because his wife forbids it. He doesn't contact your daughter because he doesn't want to. But I guess it is easier to blame a random third party rather that admit the cold hard truth: You chose to procreate with a man who does not give a shit about his child. That's on you.

Wrong. It isn't on her. It's on him. The blame belongs firmly on the man who doesn't give a shit about his child.

Wrong. Also lies with the woman who chose this sad specimen to play the most significant male role in her child's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You are deluding yourself if you think the reason this man does not contact your daughter is because his wife forbids it. He doesn't contact your daughter because he doesn't want to. But I guess it is easier to blame a random third party rather that admit the cold hard truth: You chose to procreate with a man who does not give a shit about his child. That's on you.

Wrong. It isn't on her. It's on him. The blame belongs firmly on the man who doesn't give a shit about his child.

Wrong. Also lies with the woman who chose this sad specimen to play the most significant male role in her child's life.

The only victim here is the child. The mother chooses some jackass to be her child's father and then acts outraged and surprised when he acts like a jackass. Raise your standards, ladies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd send him a note with a photo. A la a birth announcement.

I would then let him make the next move.

I just did this on Friday. I haven't spoken to my father in about 10 years, he cheated on my mom, they divorced after 34 years of marriage. I have an eleven year old that he met one time when she was with my brother but I have a 9 month old that I don't think he knows about. So this past Friday, I looked up his address on Google and sent him some pictures of both the kids and a note that just said "Here are some pictures of your grand kids, take care, My Name." He doesn't know where I live, so I didn't put a return address. That way I wouldn't expect a response. I know if I put a return address and he didn't reach out I would be really upset and disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd send him a note with a photo. A la a birth announcement.

I would then let him make the next move.

I just did this on Friday. I haven't spoken to my father in about 10 years, he cheated on my mom, they divorced after 34 years of marriage. I have an eleven year old that he met one time when she was with my brother but I have a 9 month old that I don't think he knows about. So this past Friday, I looked up his address on Google and sent him some pictures of both the kids and a note that just said "Here are some pictures of your grand kids, take care, My Name." He doesn't know where I live, so I didn't put a return address. That way I wouldn't expect a response. I know if I put a return address and he didn't reach out I would be really upset and disappointed.

Just curious. Has your father been a bad father otherwise or did you cut him off because of what happened in his marriage to your mother. Just wondering if he was otherwise a bad father and that was the last straw or if his marriage alone was sufficient for you to end your relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd send him a note with a photo. A la a birth announcement.

I would then let him make the next move.

I just did this on Friday. I haven't spoken to my father in about 10 years, he cheated on my mom, they divorced after 34 years of marriage. I have an eleven year old that he met one time when she was with my brother but I have a 9 month old that I don't think he knows about. So this past Friday, I looked up his address on Google and sent him some pictures of both the kids and a note that just said "Here are some pictures of your grand kids, take care, My Name." He doesn't know where I live, so I didn't put a return address. That way I wouldn't expect a response. I know if I put a return address and he didn't reach out I would be really upset and disappointed.

Just curious. Has your father been a bad father otherwise or did you cut him off because of what happened in his marriage to your mother. Just wondering if he was otherwise a bad father and that was the last straw or if his marriage alone was sufficient for you to end your relationship with him.

He wasn't a bad father, but he wasn't a good one to me. I felt as though he favored my brother and that he just didn't like me. I was overweight most of my childhood and he really hated that. He held my weight against me, so out of spite, I never lost the weight. He kicked me out of the house at 18 because I stayed out all night one time. I lied a lot in high school and he used to punish me very harshly for it, so when I found out he was cheating on my mom, it was the last straw. I felt he was being the ultimate hypocrite. He had been lying for years and years, yet he was beating my a$$ for lying about going to the movies with my friends. So when he divorced my mom, it made it easy for me to walk away from him. He has a daughter that I have never met, I do wonder about her sometimes. He is still pretty cool with my brother and I think he talks with my nieces (but he is not close with them). But I just don't want anything to do with him. I have told my mom and husband, I don't want him at my funeral if I die before him. I know that's childish though.

I don't know why I sent him the photos. I really don't. Something inside me kept telling me to do it, so I did. I hope I don't regret doing so.

[Anonymous]

My father was absent from our lives growing up but has shown a real interest in my children so I let him in their lives. They see him once a year and we talk every couple months. He sends gifts for holidays and we send him their artwork from preschool. It hurts my sibling to see him have a relationship with his grandkids and mot w/ us growing up but dam willing to let him love my kids since it benefits them. It is not the same as with their other grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been estranged from my father on and off for over 20 years. I have not seen him for 13 years now. He was a deadbeat father. I had a child this year and I am debating whether or not to let him know and give him the opportunity to be a good grandfather.

Have any of you been in this position?

Or what would you do if you were in my shoes?

If it got to an estrangement, you surely had your good reasons. I'd stick to the choice I made if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if he died, would you feel bad? If something happened to your child would you feel bad your father didn't get to meet your child?

I'm not in this situation, but think about those various scenario's and how you can best avoid having any regret.

I would feel as bad as I would for anyone that I knew that had died. But I wouldnt mourn him.

God forbid something happened to my child, my father would be the furthest from my mind.

There, you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is in this position now.
Although its been only 3 years. (She is 20)
I'm just worried he will continue to disappoint
Her and in time disappoint her child.
You could always send a birth announcemt and let him
make the first move.
In my ex husbands case the new wife forbids contact with my daughter.

You are deluding yourself if you think the reason this man does not contact your daughter is because his wife forbids it. He doesn't contact your daughter because he doesn't want to. But I guess it is easier to blame a random third party rather that admit the cold hard truth: You chose to procreate with a man who does not give a shit about his child. That's on you.

No. That's on him for being a asshole. If he were a decent person, there's no way a new partner would get to even suggest something like that. Stop the woman-blaming, it's the ex husband who's a total jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Frequently, bad parents turn out to be phenomenal grandparents. Let him know and see what happens.

But wouldn't you think that would make you feel even worse - to know that your father deliberately missed everything with you and then miraculously became wonderful when you were grown? I'd be heartbroken.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Frequently, bad parents turn out to be phenomenal grandparents. Let him know and see what happens.

But wouldn't you think that would make you feel even worse - to know that your father deliberately missed everything with you and then miraculously became wonderful when you were grown? I'd be heartbroken.

No. Life is about forgiveness and second chances. Better love now than never. I would give 2nd chances because I have needed a few myself.

No. To hell with forgiveness. And second chances should be given very sparingly. Life is about protecting yourself from unnecessary pain and being happy, while not forgetting to helping other.

Signed, a survival of emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd send him a note with a photo. A la a birth announcement.

I would then let him make the next move.

I just did this on Friday. I haven't spoken to my father in about 10 years, he cheated on my mom, they divorced after 34 years of marriage. I have an eleven year old that he met one time when she was with my brother but I have a 9 month old that I don't think he knows about. So this past Friday, I looked up his address on Google and sent him some pictures of both the kids and a note that just said "Here are some pictures of your grand kids, take care, My Name." He doesn't know where I live, so I didn't put a return address. That way I wouldn't expect a response. I know if I put a return address and he didn't reach out I would be really upset and disappointed.

Just curious. Has your father been a bad father otherwise or did you cut him off because of what happened in his marriage to your mother. Just wondering if he was otherwise a bad father and that was the last straw or if his marriage alone was sufficient for you to end your relationship with him.

He wasn't a bad father, but he wasn't a good one to me. I felt as though he favored my brother and that he just didn't like me. I was overweight most of my childhood and he really hated that. He held my weight against me, so out of spite, I never lost the weight. He kicked me out of the house at 18 because I stayed out all night one time. I lied a lot in high school and he used to punish me very harshly for it, so when I found out he was cheating on my mom, it was the last straw. I felt he was being the ultimate hypocrite. He had been lying for years and years, yet he was beating my a$$ for lying about going to the movies with my friends. So when he divorced my mom, it made it easy for me to walk away from him. He has a daughter that I have never met, I do wonder about her sometimes. He is still pretty cool with my brother and I think he talks with my nieces (but he is not close with them). But I just don't want anything to do with him. I have told my mom and husband, I don't want him at my funeral if I die before him. I know that's childish though.

I don't know why I sent him the photos. I really don't. Something inside me kept telling me to do it, so I did. I hope I don't regret doing so.

Yikes. Keep that man out of your child's life, it will only do your kid good.

BTW, you didn't not lose the weight out of spite, you did not lose weight because weightloss is statistically impossible long term for 95% of people. And if you never engaged in dieting, good for you. Seriously. Dieting is the best predictor for future weight gain, and the yo-yo effect is way worse for your health that being fat.