Estranged Father now a Grandfather

[Anonymous]

I have been estranged from my father on and off for over 20 years. I have not seen him for 13 years now. He was a deadbeat father. I had a child this year and I am debating whether or not to let him know and give him the opportunity to be a good grandfather.

Have any of you been in this position?

Or what would you do if you were in my shoes?

[Anonymous]

I was in that position. My dad was not only a deadbeat, but had cheated on my mom. I hadn't talked to him for over 20 years when I had kids. I did not let him know about it - and in fact, I still haven't talked to him.

The decision wasn't really challenging because he is geographically very remote, and it would be a big pain in the neck to meet him.

The only time this has caused me regret is when my son sadly said he'd never met his grandfather.

My sister was in the same boat, but she did let the kids see him. This was easier for her because she's a lot closer to him.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is in this position now.
Although its been only 3 years. (She is 20)
I'm just worried he will continue to disappoint
Her and in time disappoint her child.
You could always send a birth announcemt and let him
make the first move.
In my ex husbands case the new wife forbids contact with my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in that position. My dad was not only a deadbeat, but had cheated on my mom. I hadn't talked to him for over 20 years when I had kids. I did not let him know about it - and in fact, I still haven't talked to him.

The decision wasn't really challenging because he is geographically very remote, and it would be a big pain in the neck to meet him.

The only time this has caused me regret is when my son sadly said he'd never met his grandfather.

My sister was in the same boat, but she did let the kids see him. This was easier for her because she's a lot closer to him.

Op here- The decision has been challenging for me for the exact opposite reason. He lives less than 5 miles away from me. I actually saw him in the grocery store once a few years ago, but he didn't see me so I didn't say anything.

[Anonymous]

I'd send him a note with a photo. A la a birth announcement.

I would then let him make the next move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is in this position now.
Although its been only 3 years. (She is 20)
I'm just worried he will continue to disappoint
Her and in time disappoint her child.
You could always send a birth announcemt and let him
make the first move.
In my ex husbands case the new wife forbids contact with my daughter.

I've thought about doing this as well, but I guess I'm scared about him not responding and then being very angry.

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself if he died, would you feel bad? If something happened to your child would you feel bad your father didn't get to meet your child?

I'm not in this situation, but think about those various scenario's and how you can best avoid having any regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if he died, would you feel bad? If something happened to your child would you feel bad your father didn't get to meet your child?

I'm not in this situation, but think about those various scenario's and how you can best avoid having any regret.

I would feel as bad as I would for anyone that I knew that had died. But I wouldnt mourn him.

God forbid something happened to my child, my father would be the furthest from my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is in this position now.
Although its been only 3 years. (She is 20)
I'm just worried he will continue to disappoint
Her and in time disappoint her child.
You could always send a birth announcemt and let him
make the first move.
In my ex husbands case the new wife forbids contact with my daughter.

You are deluding yourself if you think the reason this man does not contact your daughter is because his wife forbids it. He doesn't contact your daughter because he doesn't want to. But I guess it is easier to blame a random third party rather that admit the cold hard truth: You chose to procreate with a man who does not give a shit about his child. That's on you.

[Anonymous]

A deadbeat father will be a deadbeat grandfather, why put your grandchild through the hassle and disappointment?

[Anonymous]

My father is estranged from me and my sibling, and he has shown no interest in his grandchildren (he knows about them through my grandma, his mother, who is the family grapevine). If he's toxic for you, then he may well be toxic for your child. Even if he might be a good grandpa, he's toxic for you, and it's not a sacrifice you are obligated to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if he died, would you feel bad? If something happened to your child would you feel bad your father didn't get to meet your child?

I'm not in this situation, but think about those various scenario's and how you can best avoid having any regret.

I would feel as bad as I would for anyone that I knew that had died. But I wouldnt mourn him.

God forbid something happened to my child, my father would be the furthest from my mind.

No would you feel bad that he didn't know he was a grandfather and never got to meet your child.

I have to say that my grandfather wasn't a stellar father, but he was an amazing grandfather. My husband has made the same comment about his father, not that he's improved in the parenting area, but that he has mellowed over the years.

[Anonymous]

My husband's father and he have had basically no relationship for 15 years. FIL and MIL are divorced. My husband and his father are not completely estranged, they talk on the phone about 4 times a year, but he only visited us once in 10 years so their relationship is very distant. We had our first child this year, and he seemed interested in the pregnancy, he called about once a month to see how I was doing. We sent a birth announcement and some photos and he said he has no interest in meeting our child. This is his first grandchild and probably only grandchild. He lives in Florida and is remarried and busy with his new family now and I guess no longer has any interest in his own son, and now grandchild. I'm not sure what I will tell our child when he starts asking about his paternal grandfather. It's really sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is in this position now.
Although its been only 3 years. (She is 20)
I'm just worried he will continue to disappoint
Her and in time disappoint her child.
You could always send a birth announcemt and let him
make the first move.
In my ex husbands case the new wife forbids contact with my daughter.

I've thought about doing this as well, but I guess I'm scared about him not responding and then being very angry.

It strikes me that you should only send a birth announcement because you think he may want to know, not because you're hoping he will respond and be at least a little of the dad you wish he'd been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's father and he have had basically no relationship for 15 years. FIL and MIL are divorced. My husband and his father are not completely estranged, they talk on the phone about 4 times a year, but he only visited us once in 10 years so their relationship is very distant. We had our first child this year, and he seemed interested in the pregnancy, he called about once a month to see how I was doing. We sent a birth announcement and some photos and he said he has no interest in meeting our child. This is his first grandchild and probably only grandchild. He lives in Florida and is remarried and busy with his new family now and I guess no longer has any interest in his own son, and now grandchild. I'm not sure what I will tell our child when he starts asking about his paternal grandfather. It's really sad.

He actually said that? Did you ask him why?