How do your in-laws or parents go about determining the length of a visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you complaining that your parents don't pay for groceries or cook- did your parents not take care of you for nearly 20 years? My mom cooked, cleaned and paid for everything in my life for more than 20 years- I can certainly foot the bill for a few meals and spend some time with her when she comes to visit my kids.

Pay it forward, that's how one side of the family operates. My 70 yo father still wants to pay for everything (meals, gas, food) when they visit or vice versa, citing "'how much you kids need to have and save in order to live around here and continue to raise your young family.'"

And totally opposite with the inlaws. They don't open their pocketbook, nor even offer to, on their long stays here, and when we visit for high holidays they expect us to take them out and if we eat more than 2 meals a day, fend for ourselves. Oh, and there are no snacks in the house lest FIL eat them all in one go.

So essentially one set of parents subsidizes the other. Ironically the considerably wealthier set is the cheapos. They have never cited a reason to my husband why they are such thankless guests. He did, however, have to have a talk with them once we had a baby about how we need to save for retirement, college, childcare, etc. Reiterate that we have 20+ years of significant expenses, while we both work. They still never offer to take us out or pay for anything they've consumed or used during their extended stays. Just puzzling and rubs us both the wrong way. And by now we've had quite a few great houseguests (1-3 days) and the contrast is striking. And embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're asking the question wrongly. It should be "how do YOU determine the length of parents/in-laws stays?" It's your house, and if they're going to come into it for any amount of time, they should ask your permission.

If my parents ever called me and said they booked tickets 3 months out and are coming to stay for a week, I would tell them to cancel and call me before they plan.

Not trying to be snarky or judgmental here, but this is an issue I feel strongly about and believe that you have a say over what goes on in your own life. And if your parents/ILs are pushy and intrusive, that's all the more reason to be firm about it.

[Anonymous]

My ILs email to say they would like to come for a week, is that OK with us or is it too long? DH and I don't have the guts to say 4 days would be better (2 days would be ideal for me, ha ha). It would hurt their feelings big time. They know that in the fall we are on the school/soccer merry go round. They know they can camp out here for a week.

Can't stand having them here that long but it would hurt their feelings to say one week is too long. They are coming from across the country so a week is reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs email to say they would like to come for a week, is that OK with us or is it too long? DH and I don't have the guts to say 4 days would be better (2 days would be ideal for me, ha ha). It would hurt their feelings big time. They know that in the fall we are on the school/soccer merry go round. They know they can camp out here for a week.

Can't stand having them here that long but it would hurt their feelings to say one week is too long. They are coming from across the country so a week is reasonable.

FFS, they are flying across the country to see you. Welcome them for a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is a week really that big of a deal?? That makes me sad. How often do people's parents/ILs visit?

OP, as far as them just booking it and then telling you, let them know after next week that they need to clear dates with you in advance. And then if they don't next time, make up an excuse about brain out of town for part of that time and force them to reschedule. Once it costs them money not to do it your way, they'll change!

My in-laws usually visit every 6-10 weeks. They normally stay anywhere from 4 to 10 days. They live across the country, so I could see them not wanting to spend 7 hours traveling (including to and from airport) each way including a three-hour time change, all only for just a two-day visit.

Do you like your in-laws? This arrangement would never fly in my house.

Yeah I do like them, and they try very hard to follow my rules with the kids and not step on my toes. They are here now actually - day four of a 12 day visit while my husband is traveling for ten days and our nanny is on vacation. Two full days in of nonstop care and they are looking a little tired. I will probably get a babysitter for the louder more mobile kid for a half day to give them a break on Thursday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs email to say they would like to come for a week, is that OK with us or is it too long? DH and I don't have the guts to say 4 days would be better (2 days would be ideal for me, ha ha). It would hurt their feelings big time. They know that in the fall we are on the school/soccer merry go round. They know they can camp out here for a week.

Can't stand having them here that long but it would hurt their feelings to say one week is too long. They are coming from across the country so a week is reasonable.

FFS, they are flying across the country to see you. Welcome them for a week.

I do but after day 4 I hate every second of it.

[Anonymous]

We had this exact same problem OP. We needed to be very direct and clear about what we were willing to allow re length of visits. Most of the grandparents were respectful, one was cranky and still pushes back, but we stand our ground and it's getting easier.

Our rule is "no one stays longer than a week unless they've crossed an ocean or someone died."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my parents and DH's parents somehow feel that it is okay to book a week or more at staying at our house and then informing us after plans have been made, airfare purchased, pet care arranged, etc. I would never impose myself that way and feel like any more than 2-3 nights is overstaying a welcome. That is WAAAAAYYYY TOO LONG to spend with someone(s) I enjoy the company of much less my parents or in-laws. Why do they assume that this is okay? Ugh, I am dreading next week!!!

Ugh my in-laws do this too and just come when is convenient for them and my husband says ok without checking with me. I dread the visit because they are so rude to me and ignore me and only talk to the grandkids and my husband even when I am sitting there. They are Jewish and are very prejudiced against marrying outside of the faith. I get anxiety for weeks before they arrive and my husband and I bicker the entire time behind closed doors because his mother says the rudest put downs ever. Good luck!