How do your in-laws or parents go about determining the length of a visit?

[Anonymous]

Both my parents and DH's parents somehow feel that it is okay to book a week or more at staying at our house and then informing us after plans have been made, airfare purchased, pet care arranged, etc. I would never impose myself that way and feel like any more than 2-3 nights is overstaying a welcome. That is WAAAAAYYYY TOO LONG to spend with someone(s) I enjoy the company of much less my parents or in-laws. Why do they assume that this is okay? Ugh, I am dreading next week!!!

[Anonymous]

They assume it's ok because you haven't told them otherwise. Suck it up for this visit, and then the next time you talk to them on the phone tell them how much you enjoyed seeing them and a) a week is too long to have houseguests and b) you need to discuss their plans before they make arrangements and c) you, DH, and the kids love seeing them. Depending on how far away they're traveling from, less than a week wouldn't be worth the hassle of traveling.

While they're here, make some downtime for yourself--say you're going to take a nap or go to bed early and just read or something similar.

[Anonymous]

My brother-in-law was just here with my niece for two weeks. Honestly, that was awfully long -- but they live literally on the opposite side of the world, and with airfare costs they can only come visit every four years or so, so it makes sense to make a long visit. Also, he talked about it with us well before booking anything!

[Anonymous]

I wish it was 2 to 3 days. My in-laws stay for a month, but they come from overseas, and not every year, so I usually give in. But, recently, I have told DH that I can't take a month anymore....way too stressful. At most 2 weeks. I wouldn't want any house guest, including parents, for one month. DH agreed - 2 weeks. But it took me a good 5 yrs to work up the courage to tell this to DH. I felt like I should let it go because they are so old and this could be their last visit. Consider yourself lucky.

As for them booking the tickets and such before discussing it with you.. I guess it depends on what kind of relationship they have with you or your DH. If they felt that they were welcome whenever for how ever long, then that's probably why they didn't discuss it with you. But it is pretty rude IMO. What if you had plans to go out of town?

[Anonymous]

Each of you, to your own parents, "Look, Mom, Dad, we love you, but you gotta check in with us before you book tickets. If we know in advance, I can plan to take a day off with you, and we can make some fun plants. But this booking flights and then telling us just isn't working. Can you help us out here?"

And then, if they do it again, "Mom, Dad, I hate to do this to you, but that's going to be a terrible week at work, and we just can't do a visit then. How about *suggest a long weekend a few weeks later*?"

[Anonymous]

My parents tend to book long visits to see the grandchildren but they stay at a hotel as we don't have the room here in our house and they can afford a hotel. It works out ok but lately I've had to ask them to scale back as we're very busy during the week. They don't like being told that but they've accepted it and I imagine sitting in our home all day with babies has been getting old even if those kids are their grandchildren. What about asking them to find other activities to occupy their time like going to museums just to break it up? I imagine at some point these visits will start to scale back on their own as has happened in my family. They simply can't go on this way forever. Do they like to travel and visit other places? Can't imagine spending all of your money and free time only to visit family.

[Anonymous]

Unless someone is very wealthy flying and paying for tickets for a 2 day stay is not worth it.

[Anonymous]

A week has been our standard. Sometiems more sometimes less. If a flight is involved, it really isn't worth it for less than a week.

Can they stay at a hotel?

[Anonymous]

My parents always ask and are a bit shy about inviting themselves to stay with us. So we proactively invite them.

ILs live abroad and can't afford their own airfare so we discuss and book their flights for them.

[Anonymous]

IL's come for about a month to five weeks. It is a bit long for us but they come from another country so its not like its a few hour dry. I prefer about 2-3 weeks. Three is nice as they do help. It is pretty common for people in their country to travel for at least a month.

[Anonymous]

I'd be peeved if they just up and booked without talking to us. How do they have any idea that you'll even be in town?

I'd start with that angle rather than the length of the trip. Next pre-planned trip, I'd say, "Oh my, you really should have checked with us. We already have plans to be in x location for 3 days in the middle of this visit, so this isn't going to work for us. Before you book next time I hope you'll discuss the plans with me first."

Then you get them to come to you first and you can negotiate the length of their stay based on your preferences and other plans.

That said, my ILs travel from CA to here, so for them to stay any less than 5 days is a bit of a waste given the cost....

[Anonymous]

They call us up and say "We'd really like to come for halloween/the baby's birthday/whatever this year" or "We haven't seen you in a while and miss the girls so were thinking of coming to visit next month."

Then I suggest a long weekend around when they want to come. They basically say yes to whatever I propose. Generally I suggest five days.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws just left after a month long visit. It was their first time staying with us and it was a complete nightmare. My mil also booked the tickets without our pre approval and it soured the visit for me since I felt like I'd lost control. My husband and I have a therapy appointment booked since the visit put quite a strain on us. There are so many things that went wrong...

[Anonymous]

TELL THEM.

It's worth it to have them miffed for some length of time, instead of stewing in your resentment for ever.

In our families, either the guest is invited for X days and accepts, or the guest asks to stay for X days. Then the host accepts or declines. When all parties agree, the fares are purchased and pets seen to. Sometimes for international travel, the dates are not nailed down to the day, because the airfare can double in price on certain days.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws ask what are good dates to come visit, usually it's 3-4 nights max. (about all I can handle). When I first married DH IL's asked him about coming down for a week (he was graduating from police academy) and he said yes w/out discussing w/ me (it was his parents AND his grandmother), it was too much. We've discussed from then on that before his/my parents plan a visit that we discuss the dates and how long they can visit. We just say "from x to y dates" work for a visit.