How do your in-laws or parents go about determining the length of a visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws just left after a month long visit. It was their first time staying with us and it was a complete nightmare. My mil also booked the tickets without our pre approval and it soured the visit for me since I felt like I'd lost control. My husband and I have a therapy appointment booked since the visit put quite a strain on us. There are so many things that went wrong...

Good! You'll learn to say "no" the next time they book tickets without telling you!

[Anonymous]

We established boundaries with our parents upon getting married. No more than 3-day visits and the relatives who drive us insane (MIL) must stay in a hotel. She doesn't like it but that's what works for DH and me. My own mother doesn't work so she usually visits during the week bc the weekends are the only time we have together as a family.

[Anonymous]

Neither my parents nor my in-laws stay more than three nights. Ever. My dad always jokes that fish and visitors start to stink on the third day. We do not live anywhere near either of them. They usually stay with us for three days then spend some time vacationing and seeing other family members on their way back home.

I should add that we are a very close family. We just understand boundaries.

[Anonymous]

"inform" you? why don't you inform them.

You know, life isn't that hard.

[Anonymous]

I feel the opposite. We are the ones constantly asking MIL to stay with us for a month, and I think she doesn't really want to stay, but can't say no to her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be peeved if they just up and booked without talking to us. How do they have any idea that you'll even be in town?

I'd start with that angle rather than the length of the trip. Next pre-planned trip, I'd say, "Oh my, you really should have checked with us. We already have plans to be in x location for 3 days in the middle of this visit, so this isn't going to work for us. Before you book next time I hope you'll discuss the plans with me first."

Then you get them to come to you first and you can negotiate the length of their stay based on your preferences and other plans.

That said, my ILs travel from CA to here, so for them to stay any less than 5 days is a bit of a waste given the cost....

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless someone is very wealthy flying and paying for tickets for a 2 day stay is not worth it.

This is not logical. The cost is the same either way.

[Anonymous]

It's hard.
iLs call DH with a time frame that they like and find cheap rates. We tell them 10 days, MIL answers in a riddle: "we have to make it worth our while," and then we get an email with their 3 week long stay airfare. So off on the wrong foot already.
Since we both work and they refuse to rent a car, offer to buy groceries or meals out, they often seem rude. Just live in our house for three weeks while we're at work.
We'd prefer to all schedule a week vacation together. Then everyone can spend time together and no one is being taken advantage of. They have money, just rather have other people pay for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard.
iLs call DH with a time frame that they like and find cheap rates. We tell them 10 days, MIL answers in a riddle: "we have to make it worth our while," and then we get an email with their 3 week long stay airfare. So off on the wrong foot already.
Since we both work and they refuse to rent a car, offer to buy groceries or meals out, they often seem rude. Just live in our house for three weeks while we're at work.
We'd prefer to all schedule a week vacation together. Then everyone can spend time together and no one is being taken advantage of. They have money, just rather have other people pay for them.

Your husband needs to buck up and tell them "no." Time to cut the cord, folks, you're adults now.

[Anonymous]

My parents and ILs live overseas. Their visit is usually several months long.

While it does increase some work for me - my mom and MIL are pretty good about picking up the slack around the house. I usually increase the frequency of the maid service to twice a week for the duration of the stay. My kids really enjoy having grandparents around, because they get doted on by all 4 of them.

I am sure when I was newly married I used to get stressed when people visited, but now I feel like an old hand.

However, they never come without discussing with us, when it would be convenient for them and for us to have them here.

[Anonymous]

Is a week really that big of a deal?? That makes me sad. How often do people's parents/ILs visit?

OP, as far as them just booking it and then telling you, let them know after next week that they need to clear dates with you in advance. And then if they don't next time, make up an excuse about brain out of town for part of that time and force them to reschedule. Once it costs them money not to do it your way, they'll change!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is a week really that big of a deal?? That makes me sad. How often do people's parents/ILs visit?

OP, as far as them just booking it and then telling you, let them know after next week that they need to clear dates with you in advance. And then if they don't next time, make up an excuse about brain out of town for part of that time and force them to reschedule. Once it costs them money not to do it your way, they'll change!

Yes, one week is really a big deal. If it's not for you, feel fortunate that you hit the jackpot in the family lottery. In our world, the old saying rings true: "guests, like fish, begin to smell after 3 days."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel the opposite. We are the ones constantly asking MIL to stay with us for a month, and I think she doesn't really want to stay, but can't say no to her son.

Good God, I cannot even imagine this. You are very lucky!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard.
iLs call DH with a time frame that they like and find cheap rates. We tell them 10 days, MIL answers in a riddle: "we have to make it worth our while," and then we get an email with their 3 week long stay airfare. So off on the wrong foot already.
Since we both work and they refuse to rent a car, offer to buy groceries or meals out, they often seem rude. Just live in our house for three weeks while we're at work.
We'd prefer to all schedule a week vacation together. Then everyone can spend time together and no one is being taken advantage of. They have money, just rather have other people pay for them.

Oh Bejesus!!! Are you kidding me??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless someone is very wealthy flying and paying for tickets for a 2 day stay is not worth it.

This is not logical. The cost is the same either way.

Yes it is. The cost of the flight is the same but the reason for being willing to put out the cash is for what happens between the leaving and returning. It isn't worth the money to fly out for a couple days. If you get a longer visit and actually get to spend meaningful time with someone, then it is worth the money.

So if I save up money for a vacation or a visit, I wouldn't go if it was only going to be 2 days. Not worth spending all that money to get there and back - if I am not getting a decent visit or vacation out of it.